Things

Life can just go on and on, even when we feel it should stop and take another route.

So many times, I feel like I should give life a pause, and rewind or maybe even a fast forward, although fast forwards are usually unwise in my opinion.

I feel that all these things I face can be such a torment at times.

But when I think again, I could have been a worse person without those things.

When I look at life, I feel amused sometimes.

Perhaps I may be tickled by life's absurdities, bored by how things can be such a routine, or even just laughing because things can be that bad.

I am such a critic, but being critical does not make me the judge I always think I am, but instead, always analyzing, and reading more into things just make me see.

I see how life is. I see other's perspectives. And I see God's love.

I know life is never possible to be judged with our naked eyes and minds. No matter how hard we read into possibilities and matters, we can never derive with the perfect answer, even when we are the storytellers.

I am looking at things, just as things are, and I am trying to love them.

Run.

I love what I see when I run.
I start comprehending the beauty of the world God has made.
I don't want to stop running.
And this is the wonder of it.

Tonight, I run, and I see the glamour of the dark.
I can't wait!
Run, run, and conquer the night!!!

So this is life.

I search for the true meaning of life, 

and attempt to discover Happiness. 

But if Happiness is "good fortune, pleasure, contentment, and joy", 

what exactly defines such things?

The wonderful colours of nature, 

the perfectly spaced universe.

All life on this earth that dwell, and grow-

beautiful.

Is this happiness?

"It is not enough!" the mind whispers sinisterly.

The desire for love, 

the want of attention.

Attraction, beauty, vanity.

Is this happiness?

The attainment of glory, and fame.

Thriving wealth.

A life of class, and status.

Is this happiness?

Indulgence? 

The art of mixing alcohol, wine.

The highness that can cast sorrows away.

Is this happiness?

Albeit when I visualize that 

one fine day, 

such things will pass away,

I find that these do not define happiness.

Life has got to be simpler.

But we all simply want more, don't we?

The Camera

I clicked on this shutter,

and my image froze.

A brand new beginning, 

it is a heavy dose.

The tape plays on, 

and I watch it go.

A sea of colours moving past, 

as they amused me so.

I visited the scene of "lessons", 

and it made my eyes open.

It wasn't those that made me dose, 

but to be active and out-spoken.

The people, I say 

have made me smile.

And however hard it is, 

it should be worthwhile.

This is Campus.

Today

I am so happy that I get to wake up slightly later today and not the usual 5.30.
The weather's kind of gloomy today, but I feel at peace, unusually.
I am looking forward to work, although today will be a long day- from 12oo to 2300.
What's exciting will be, going down to market street to work with a whole new lot of company this afternoon!
Well, I am quite nervous, afraid of breaking the ice here and there etc. but, I really am looking forward to the experience! =D

School's almost starting and fear seems to be more vivid in my mind.
Coping and paying are my greatest uncertainties.
Also, my deceitful heart can be a great enemy.

I am going to trust.
And be happy.

Love, Fiona

Next step

The next step is not easy.
It is harder than expected.
My mind is clouded with fear and uncertainties.
The next step is not easy.

And it hasn't even begun.

Who's Me?

These waters never fail to flow incessantly down those hot, flustered cheeks.
These days, have not been one of the best.

Everything is not going well.

How do I find that me, who delights in all that I do?
I am faithless.
I am weak.
I am powerless.
I need your POWER to REST on ME!

Everything is painful.

I never thought working would be so displeasing.
Even at work, I am faced with challenges and stumbling blocks that tear me apart.
They make me question myself, me.

I never thought the me at home builds a fortress around myself.
Everyday at home just makes me indignant, and sucked.
I want my space; my comfort zone.

I never thought moving on was so tedious.
Letting go of some pasts seems entirely harder than removing superglue from my fingers.
And what's ahead, just remains clearly bleak, and aimless; completely unpredictable.
But one thing I know, it is not going to be easy.

Lift your head high, walk on. Do not fear.
Remember that Faith. Just that little bit.
Rely.

The Unpredictable

I am writing my book of life, not knowing how to pen the next line.
And the effort to secrete more brain juices to find out the solution just erupts my tear ducts.
This portion of my book certainly isn't the most exciting; neither its climax.
It is, instead, the most mundane scene.
One that perhaps is full of dialogues, thoughts, and repetitive events which is followed by a myriad of questions that remain unanswered.

I don't know how to quit these feelings.
I don't know how not to worry.
I may not even know how to move on.

I am waiting for the true author to tell me how to write on.

where is the faith?!

Never knew I could feel like this

It's this sudden surge of emotions that are smoldering me all of a sudden.
I really don't understand why.

And I guess it's because of all thats happening right beneath my tiny eyes now-
family, people, my relationships.

Facing up with disappointments, mundaneness of life, faithlessness, lost of the fellowship, goals to achieve and internal eruptions, has brought me to a stage now- where deeply inside, I yell so hard.
I keep screaming within me,

"Oh God, Show me!!!"

I am leading a life (or don't we all) that drunkenness can't redeem me from the pain and toils I experience, as much as I long to gulp down that spirit of "temporary memory loss".

With mistakes we have made, how do we feel worthy enough to receive that boundless mercy?

I want to see, feel, experience and exude Your love.


Sometimes, the sadness intensifies till I desire to rip my robe and weep in it.

CHANGE

I think things are working out in my small group.
I am really happy.

Do I trust?

My pulse-rate is increasing every second.
I don't know what's going on.
Tell me.

Where is the REASON?

I have never seen such a huge discourager, but you.
I mean, so what if he scored 19/25 for English?
Maybe it just isn't his thing? But you made it my fault and his lack of practice.
"This is horrible", "You should've gotten full marks.", "how can you forget 8 x 7?" ETC.
These are words of utter disdain to me, let alone to HIM.
You just made him lose all dignity left to be proud of his 90/100 score for Math.
Is the all-band-one criteria that necessary?

Indeed, you have made him a step closer, to being an insecure, worldly minded geek.
I am hurt for him.
Powerless.

Trying Times

These times have come,
when my heart screams and shivers,
and my stomach lurches,
when I feel that my insides are adapting.

These times have come,
when my mind is a thick mist,
in which life just leaves me clueless,
and every step I make is uncertain.

I know those times will come,
when I am completely renewed,
as hope is slowly found,
and my faith, growing into a tiny mustard seed.

Fight on, surrendering.



I ask for prayers: 1. Relationship with my mom, 2. My finances- bank loans and my job. I need direction!!, 3. Let my light shine; that in all that i do, I do it God's way.

More Than Words

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

Exactly.

Moved

It has been a long time since I sympathized with someone.
And today, you moved me.
I do not see you now as someone who is all messed up and shallow, but instead as a broken soul; lost and so trapped.
I know you want to fight for a life to live for, but perhaps you do not know how.
I thought that crazy you was just craziness alone; little did i know, it was just a cover-up for that emptiness within.
Despite knowing, I do not know how to encourage you, or strengthen you.
All i could do, is perhaps to just give you my silent support and make you smile.

I wish I could let you see the greatest lover in all universe, God- that you may feel that love.

The Absence

Great Expectations are inevitable.
From me.
I thought it just comes naturally,
it was possible between us,
not demanding.

Wavering feelings are unacceptable.
From you.
Tell me everything,
make it clear always-
like filling ink on a white piece of paper.

Infallible trust.
I keep that.
Treasure it?

This Ruined Day

Yes, to me, you both are wearing a mask.
Both of you do not quarrel because you agree on everything both of you do.
Sorry, I'm just different.
I know I am not perfect, and I know my contributions are few.
But, you think that I think I am perfect.
That is your weapon against me.
Sorry, I can't make my point clear.
And, I can't bring myself to use words of affection.

I don't know how to make things right with you.

Rolled Eyes

I never knew there was such a thing,
that could ring like a hollow bell, "ding, ding, ding".
Do not wear that mask,
and yet try too hard to attempt that task.
I couldn't stand every time you "huff".
Or wait, was that a "puff"?

Meeewwww

Sanity

Aristotle says: To perceive is to suffer.
My perceptions have indeed burdened me, and I just want to surrender all.
I will not see from my own eyes, but the eyes of my maker.
Any amount of misery is casted away, and laid before my Lord.
The path ahead is not paved by my own feet but I am guided by Him.

Aristotle also says: Hope is a waking dream.
Yes, I see this waking dream. This is amazing.


Who cares about the bad that has happened?
I'll laugh it off. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Memory

Nothing stands out so conspicuously, or remains so firmly fixed in the memory, as something which you have blundered.

-Cicero

The filmstrips of regret, the countless mistakes run in my mind like a movie.
Don't we all make mistakes and remember them? Thats when we learn and never repeat them again.
But yet,

I think it is a matter of love;the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is.

Vladimir Nabokov

What if, the mistake you made, happens to be a memory you love?

Remember the right scenes, and move on with faith.