messed

Shouldn't have done it the reflex way.
Shouldn't have made that move.

Completely messed up.
Completely clueless how to savage it.

God help!

Christmas

Like the strings of a cello being played, my heart feels a tingling vibrato that makes me shiver.
And the mellow drone of the instrument is exuded- heart wrenching, teary, yet full of passion.
"I can't believe it actually happened, and I am celebrating?"
The music is only heard by my very own eardrums, while I savour the delicious roast beef, the once in a blue moon Virginia ham and drink my sparkling juice laid before me in this splendid, in what we call, "christmas" setting.

I hear the sound of Via Dolorosa, the road down Calvary, even during his birthday!
He, borned to die?
It must have been a joke.
It can't be true.
I'd declare a loud "HAHA".

But reality speaks, and tells me, how true it was.
The Christmas tree, all shiny and colourful- a mark of the tree he was nailed upon.
Embedded in all the joy we bask in, lies the very mark of nobility, of love that no one could imitate.

I shiver, because I sinned today.
Such an unworthy sinner as I, has received the greatest gift, more than what's under my Christmas tree.

"Appreciate it, Fiona!"

dunno

open your eyes big enough to see.
see that everything is beautiful.
beautiful things fly pass me.
me, who does not see them all.
all that fills me is confusion.
confusion that tear me down.
down to the very nerve in me.
me who sees reality,
reality translated into sighs.

it's painful.
please rewind.

the tape that has played for ages,
music that has drifted by,
are filmstrips that can't be unwound,
the story i can't rewind.
It won't be just washing off my memory,
but starting on a fresh page.
buy me new parchment,
i need new ink.
Press refresh, now.

it's difficult.
factors aplenty.

just bear with it
and then overcome.
nothing is too hard,
faithfulness does not cease.
Lift this head up high,
keep smiling.....
keep smiling.....

even when things turn out unexpectedly...

Back from Batam

This is day 1 of clean shower, with clean water.
The water from my tap has never been so transparent since 4 days ago....

It was yellowish, like drain water.
You'd wonder if it's rust or simply dirt and algae.
I didn't know what made it so impure, but i showered in it anyway.
What could you expected from a Sijori Resort in Batam anyway huh?

But I do not complain....

For the little kids at Batesda orphanage, it's utter luxury.

The 4th of December once again

Maybe, I should be on the cross instead.
Maybe, it is better this way.
Maybe, if so, I will take my sins more seriously.
Maybe, I would have already died infinite times.

If not, for HIM who died.

3 years after pledging to my saviour my love and faith, I'm still so imperfect.
If i had a chance, I would want to renew my covenant once more.
If i had a chance, I want to erase my mistakes and rewrite my story.
If i had a chance, I want to see Calvary.

I guess it is impossible, witnessing His death. But it is all too real, how life is supposed to be. Be it the narrow or the wide gate, we all know which to go, just that too many times, we choose to take the easy way, that road so wide that brings us into destruction.

Why do we know but yet not follow?

Now, I am sure the reward of the narrow path is eternal and i could almost visualise it in my mind- the feast in Heaven, the band of angels, my fellow fighters.

And there I am!

SMILING. :D


The battle is worth it. It really is.

-

Do you know about the angpao, in it a little note and a paper heart is folded?

I remember it all my life.
I remember the exact words, the exact writing.
I remember that little frame of yours, with that beaming smile.
I remember the frownless face.
I remember the sincere words.
I remember the flame in your eyes, forever burning.

I believe it is God's work.
I believe God protects you.
I believe you are smiling now.

I learn that you are so strong.
I learn how precious our lives are.
I learn to treasure every step i make.
I learn to be a fighter.

David, I love you in the name of the Lord.
David, the hall of faith crowns you.

I Remember

I woke up this morning.
I remembered.
I remembered everything.
Everything about you.
I know nothing more can be added,
only rewound.
No matter how many regrets,
they can't be done.
I wish whatever you wrote came true,
but now, it's too late too.
That happy face,
I'll always remember,
I'll remember that brilliant you.

BAD

Two tight slaps- these, you have not given for years.
And now, I am receiving them just because I'm being truthful, stating my stance?
Probably i raised my voice, making me sound rude but does that make your argument sound? Does that make you wholesomely blameless?
Well, you got angry in the first place, because all i did was, not call you earlier?
So i am supposed to understand everything you do and just stay at home 24/7 like your security guard because you say that your life is in a much dire state than mine and if i do not do so, I am SELFISH?
Tell me, how am I to comprehend this.

On a lighter note,
"It is sweet.
It is sticky.
Bake it with a ham.
What is it?
Honey baked ham!"

By Nicholas Neo (some kinda poem he created on the taxi ride home.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

To know all is to Forgive All

If i knew you and you knew me-
If both of us could clearly see,
And with an inner sight divine
The meaning of your heart and mine-
I'm sure that we would differ less
And clasp our hands in friendliness;
Our thoughts would pleasantly agree
If i knew you, and you knew me.

If i knew you and you knew me,
As each one knows his own self, we
Could look each other in the face
And see therein a truer grace.
Life has so many hidden woes,
So many thorns for every rose;
The "why" of things our hearts would see,
If I knew you and you knew me.

"To Know All Is to Forgive All"-Nixon Waterman

ONCE MORE

It is a Revelation I've stumped upon, God's will I suppose.
Things change, right from this point forth.
Things change.

Things just have to change no matter how difficult.
It's just a way to help me find my lover once again- My God.
Not that my lover has left me, not that he ceased loving me and not so that I didn't love him back.
But, I just didn't rely on him anymore, and when I wanted to, it was hard to be faithful.
My thoughts and emotions were consumed, consumed with something I shouldn't mull too much over, or perhaps it was sheer indulgence.

It had to stop.
And I will find my way back into LOVE.
Love is simple, yes. But only if you know how to and only if you ARE willing.

Life is just a path of mistakes and many obstacles, but it is joy because I am never alone. There is no love greater than HIS and that outwits, outplays, outlasts, and outruns any misery/suffering I bear.

HE walked the greatest road of suffering.
It was Calvary.

I am strong, because I carry HIS yoke and HIS burden. And they are all easy and light.
They ARE!

ONLY YOU

I am CLINGING.
I am SURRENDERING.
I am PERSEVERING.
I am FIGHTING.
I am TRUSTING.

I must.

I will BELIEVE.
I will SMILE.
I will SUFFER, with JOY.

Only with my father, in heaven.

somebody

Dear someone,

hello. if you would listen, or rather, read.
how do you do? if you would bother and sit with me to chat.
i'm pleased to meet you. if you would just HELP me.

hey someone? if you are here..
well, i just am tired.
i need a revelry, a shoulder to lean, help.
someone? i'm calling out.. i'm yelling? do you hear me?
i'm trying.
but i'm weak.
i'm still trying.
going on.

TRYING.

hey someone? on my left? right? front? back?
the sea of crowd pays no attention.

hey someone? i'm not that strong...
i'm already torn in realities of life.. all i ask for is just support.




oh well, it's okay then..
i'll go on my journey... up the hills, down slopes, along pebbled paths,through the thickets of dense forest or swarmy marshes.
At least Dad, you listen?
i know that armour you've bestowed upon me.
it's right in my cupboard.
let me go wear it.

i'll stick close to you. wearing my armour. fighting on.
it's all worth it, when it's all right.

Just me,
Fiona

picking up God's armour, to prepare for the battle.
to fear no death, no dejection. no pain.
to BE completely faithful, humble and persevering.
to run, keep running even if tired.
to know, the shield of faith protects me, the breastplate of righteousness sustains me, the sword of the spirit represents me, the belt of truth strengthens me, my ready feet empowers me,my helmet of salvation saves me.

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

pursuit of happiness

To pursue, that HAPPINESS.


walking
treading
trampling
clambering
running
tossing
crawling
leaping

moving on....

letting it all go at the same time.

i know it just isn't an easy part of my life-

STUDIES
RELATIONSHIPS
SPIRITUALITY

these are very much the struggles i am going through.
i am, surviving?
well, grasping for breath.

today's a sunday, but a monday is looming.
to me, its a foreboding sign, an indication of impending torture and struggle, what not.

perservere.
i'll try to do that.

Fiona, sleep early,
and GO GO GO!
RECHARGE!

at least there is spend time with peiling to look forward to in the afternoon for spiritual food?

Father, i'm calling.

FATHER, tell me what to do.

it's so difficult facing it all..................

FAITH

"FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
What follows the passage is the faith of the many ancients in the bible.

If i become an ancient.... is this what will be written?

By faith, Fiona who faced failures of her life,
picked herself up. Although not knowing where it will lead her to, moved on doing her best to glorify God. And for that, God was pleased and provided her with well- deserved fruits of her labour.

By faith, Fiona struggles through times of temptation. She never stopped sharing her faith and stood up for all that was right in God's eyes.

By faith, Fiona believe that God was walking with her through troubled times.

By faith, Fiona never felt discouraged in trying times. She smiled.

By faith, Fiona places everything in her life before God, setting her priorities right.

By faith, Fiona only seeks to please God, even if it means to go against her emotions.

By faith, Fiona beats her body and makes it her slave to run the race for God. And for that, God crowned her with the glorious crown of gold.

By faith, Fiona exclaims, " i am the Lord's servant, may it be as HE has said."

I want my life this way..

I pick myself up, without a hint of fear of what will happen because i live by faith.
I beat my body, and keep my face ahead, only aiming for that heavenly reward.
I struggle, but i hold on to my Father, and i brave through.
I safeguard my soul, completely pure.
I dream, to be God's good little servant.

And when i finish my test of life, I smile.
Because i see my Father, and he smiles at me.

i love you, dad.

Too many sorries..

SORRY.

perhaps this word is now void of its meaning.
because i've said it one too many times.

it happens everyday,
and Fiona wonders... why does she just have to always react in the worst way?
So many words to say..
But i just have to make the comments i make gray.

My life just isn't right.
STUDIES
PEOPLE
FAMILY
TIME
and just LIFE.

and now, my words just have to come in the way.

LORD, help me to know what to say and do.
To do them the RIGHT way.

Father, give me strength!!

HELP

STRENGTH.
i need.
FOCUS.
i need.

FIGHT!!

i just need to prove it(that i am studying), right?
prove it with all the results.
but proving itself, is difficult.
when it's all so difficult.

what a tough fight.

help.

LIFE, not MY WAY

i can't...
i'm so tempted to ring that bell- the "surrender" bell.
It's like an internal battle within.. that only my God and I know.
Perhaps, including Satan.

STUDIES
SPIRITUALITY
FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
CHARACTER
PRIORITIES
what not. they just overflow with things i must deal with.
Get lost Satan.

Where is that armour i was wearing?
my belt of truth? my breastplate of righteousness? my feet fitted with readiness? my shield of faith? my helmet of salvation? my sword of the spirit?
Where are they now?


Father, help me to FIGHT ON.
Father, give me STRENGTH.
Father, walk with me.
Father, show me where to go.

So much fear...
but yet, so much uncertainty.
Recurring emotions, im just sick and tired of them.

SMILE fiona.
take a little step of faith each time.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
If my God is for me? who else can be against me?
i believe so.

To lead my life walking God's path.

To be more than conquerors...

CLUELESS

OVERWHELMED
UNCERTAIN
CONFUSED
TIRED
DEJECTED

Why does it happen again and again?
all the (s'rehtom) rambles about my studies, my future and blah...
when i am TRYING!

Why do people get so paranoid?
Look, i am striving so hard to walk God's way.
Perhaps they meant well... but..

Why is life just so difficult?
MY work just makes me want to rip my brains out.
The amount of things to balance, people i have to face and chores i have to fulfill.
It's overflowing.

Why is it that i am in such a dire state of life?
Nothing seems to be working out in my studies.
IT's so difficult to be an example in church.
Being a student who shines in school isn't any easier.
Now, where is my willpower?

So much for the WHYs...
I've casted them away.
i know how pointless it is to be leading a WHY-ful life.
But yes, these thoughts just brushed pass my head, to be honest.
But hey, Fiona really is learning to be a Fighter.
Not some street-fighter fighter..
But a fighter who clothes myself on in God's armour.
=D

OPTIMISTIC
FAITHFUL
MOTIVATED
ZEALOUS
FOCUSED
DISCIPLINED
GRATEFUL

CRIES TO YOU

GOD'S WILL.

it has always been in my head.
but submitting to it....
A struggle it is, to be completely resigned.
But, i am now. Resigned to Him.
I cling on to him, tighter than how i hug my bolster when asleep.

A flashback:
"do you know that you are always spaced out and blur?"
"lazy you, don't you know how precious my time is?"
"I am not like you, everything i do has to be done well and efficiently."
Perhaps it is only to her that i am this way.
Whatever she says about me, doesn't appear to be what i think about myself.
Or am i just being unaware?
What is it i have to do to show her that i care about my own life?

"Don't tell me you have no plans to go to the University at all?"
"Please, at least show your father that you can be of use even with only me supporting you."
I know! i want to show him that too!
I want to be a useful person!
I have goals!
Perhaps just invisible to your eyes...


A Penny for My Thoughts:
This road i am walking, is a winding path, paved with clods and muck. The vision is nothing but thick mist, but the destination revealed would be Paradise, i am sure.
I realise, it's all about just fighting on.
That willpower, that determination. That focus on the finishing line.
That surrendered heart, to heed GOD'S WILL.

Everyday Father, i cry out to you.
Full of pleas, full of requests for forgiveness.
You forgive me,
but my sins are repeated.
Everyday Father, i extend my hands to you.
Reaching for help, clinging on.
You save me,
again and again.
Everyday Father, I live my life for you,
Struggling, striving to be perfect like you.
You watch me,
perfecting the plan you have for me.

I Love You.


"Perfecting Holiness"

THE LIGHT

"You are the light of the world- like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all to see."

Do not be afraid, O my soul.
Why are you so faithless?
Pick up the strength and fight ahead!
So what about the difficult math sums?
the chemical reactions to memorise and apply?
Do it for the Lord above!

Just look straight my soul,
persevere on and keep walking.
what is weariness when His big hand sustains me?
I am not afraid, i do not fear death.
Even my brother who faces death is kept so strong.
Let alone me?

Fiona, fight in the light.


"I surrender all... and walk the righteous way."
O lord, i keep praying.

Spiritual Eyes

Looking ahead... i see it all with my HUMAN EYES:
a road of utter uncertainty..
danger lies, foreboding..
and i see a defeated soldier, me.. unable to find that courage and strength to tread another step.

But victory must come!
and i want to end that journey with elation and much more strength!

THis new year, it has started really well.. never had so much craziness in my life.. not sleeping for more than 20 hours! it was rather absurd and all, but it happened.
i think i really had time to think about the year ahead.. and think about what i am going to do about it.
Father, first of all.. I am going to walk in your footsteps. Faithfully.
i'll take your hand, and never let go.

I'll look at my life, with spritual eyes.. God, i know u have a greater plan and you are bigger than any of the forces that come against me as i try to do what's right.
i wanna do the rightest and bestest, for you...

i must conquer this year..
it's not going to be some mindless, blatant comment.
it's gonna be fulfilled. it's gonna be CONQUERED.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
- My Father's promise

Be brave Fiona, and fight!!!

"fight with me, yes.. please fight with me."
"be strong with me, my pillar of strength."

-Fiona's so grateful.

that faith, just like a mustard seed.. is enough
that courage, just an ounce... is sufficient
that strength, just like a shoulder to lean on, is worth it.
that spirit to fight, just like remembering God's promises, works wonders.
that ending, just like God's promise of Heaven, is most fulfilling.