messed

Shouldn't have done it the reflex way.
Shouldn't have made that move.

Completely messed up.
Completely clueless how to savage it.

God help!

Christmas

Like the strings of a cello being played, my heart feels a tingling vibrato that makes me shiver.
And the mellow drone of the instrument is exuded- heart wrenching, teary, yet full of passion.
"I can't believe it actually happened, and I am celebrating?"
The music is only heard by my very own eardrums, while I savour the delicious roast beef, the once in a blue moon Virginia ham and drink my sparkling juice laid before me in this splendid, in what we call, "christmas" setting.

I hear the sound of Via Dolorosa, the road down Calvary, even during his birthday!
He, borned to die?
It must have been a joke.
It can't be true.
I'd declare a loud "HAHA".

But reality speaks, and tells me, how true it was.
The Christmas tree, all shiny and colourful- a mark of the tree he was nailed upon.
Embedded in all the joy we bask in, lies the very mark of nobility, of love that no one could imitate.

I shiver, because I sinned today.
Such an unworthy sinner as I, has received the greatest gift, more than what's under my Christmas tree.

"Appreciate it, Fiona!"

dunno

open your eyes big enough to see.
see that everything is beautiful.
beautiful things fly pass me.
me, who does not see them all.
all that fills me is confusion.
confusion that tear me down.
down to the very nerve in me.
me who sees reality,
reality translated into sighs.

it's painful.
please rewind.

the tape that has played for ages,
music that has drifted by,
are filmstrips that can't be unwound,
the story i can't rewind.
It won't be just washing off my memory,
but starting on a fresh page.
buy me new parchment,
i need new ink.
Press refresh, now.

it's difficult.
factors aplenty.

just bear with it
and then overcome.
nothing is too hard,
faithfulness does not cease.
Lift this head up high,
keep smiling.....
keep smiling.....

even when things turn out unexpectedly...

Back from Batam

This is day 1 of clean shower, with clean water.
The water from my tap has never been so transparent since 4 days ago....

It was yellowish, like drain water.
You'd wonder if it's rust or simply dirt and algae.
I didn't know what made it so impure, but i showered in it anyway.
What could you expected from a Sijori Resort in Batam anyway huh?

But I do not complain....

For the little kids at Batesda orphanage, it's utter luxury.

The 4th of December once again

Maybe, I should be on the cross instead.
Maybe, it is better this way.
Maybe, if so, I will take my sins more seriously.
Maybe, I would have already died infinite times.

If not, for HIM who died.

3 years after pledging to my saviour my love and faith, I'm still so imperfect.
If i had a chance, I would want to renew my covenant once more.
If i had a chance, I want to erase my mistakes and rewrite my story.
If i had a chance, I want to see Calvary.

I guess it is impossible, witnessing His death. But it is all too real, how life is supposed to be. Be it the narrow or the wide gate, we all know which to go, just that too many times, we choose to take the easy way, that road so wide that brings us into destruction.

Why do we know but yet not follow?

Now, I am sure the reward of the narrow path is eternal and i could almost visualise it in my mind- the feast in Heaven, the band of angels, my fellow fighters.

And there I am!

SMILING. :D


The battle is worth it. It really is.