stress

im sitting here, with my hands all aching and my eyes half closed.
worn out, i am.
its like a huge wave.. tossing me abt in the vast sea.
I'm struggling to catch my breath, i'm trying to swim.
Can't someone toss me a float? Or perhaps a life boat?
i'm tired.
oh there it is! a lifeboat.
Bring me away, lil lifeboat.
Guide me to where ever i must go...
i'll cling on to u like my life-my source of strength and hope.

oh well, okay, it's like almost evryday that i get off school around 5 plus.
and its just the never ending tutorials and lectures evryday..
but im glad i am in school.
Somehow, when im tired, i just have to remind myself that I am in Meridian becos God answered my prayer and i can nvr be less thankful.
But well, it certainly isnt easy..
the workload and all..
my brain's saturated and is screaming for help.
only God answers.
and i need strength! so much of it!
And God, may your will be done.
it's hard, truly tough...
i am struggling despite it being only the beginning..
but this, being a part and parcel of my life..
i'll move along...

With the Lord, my lifeboat.

oh ya.. here, my college anthem. =) i'm so proud of it.

Chorus:

Born of a vision to be the best,

rising above the rest,

we speak with one clear voice

as this is our choice

‘cause we’re...

Born of a vision to be the best,

rising above the rest,

we speak with one clear voice

as this is our choice

Meridian, yes! we will be

the best.

Verse 1:

Feel the flame of our dream

burn forever;

As our journey here begins,

we’re together.

With each step we take, we know

strength to strength, we’ll grow

as we set ourselves apart.

Verse 2:

Facing challenges ahead,

we will overcome.

With passion, fervour we will strive,

spread our wings and fly.

We will reach the highest star,

through Meridian,

yes our hopes and dreams will shine.

(reprise Chorus)

bless my soul!

in the papers today...
"Cut off his head! We will call on the people to pull him into pieces so there is nothing left."
This came out of the mouth of an Islam member of Afganistan's Islamic organisation when he learnt that an Afghan man converted from Islam to Christianity.
Apparently, the Afghan man is on trial, with a high possibility of being executed.

Upon reading this, i felt a wrenching pain in my heart.
This man, with a heart and passion to know God and follow God is on the verge of being executed.
With his plain desire of just wanting to follow God, led him to such a tragic outcome.
Did he do any wrong at all?
Does he at all deserve this?
My eyes just brimmed with tears.
Seeing a man who has decided to follow God receive discrimination makes me feel so much unfairness and sympathy. It's just so unjust! Utterly!
at the same time, i feel so fortunate to be here in Singapore, being able to choose whatever religion i want and to worship God in any way i desire!
indeed, im abundantly thankful.
As much as he has to walk the path of the valley of death, i am sure, God has granted him a place in paradise.

praise him, my papa!

well, several days ago, my mom and i had an interview session with a friday weekly reporter.
She asked about my life.
In my heart, i didnt know how to start!
Well, it is a fact that my past wasnt glorious at all.
Starting with my dad, i mentioned how many times he left the house and returned.
How many times he hit me because of his own emotions.
How he finally left.
How my mom coped.
How i was so rebellious.
How times were bad.
How hard it was to pick up from where we fell.
How hard it was to take care of my teeny weeny brother, who was all so innocent and naive.
The memories just came flooding back.
While sharing, i was tempted so many times to cry out.
But, just thinking of God, a surge of warm blood just coursed through my veins.
Hence, i just smiled.
I am happy because i have this big papa who never forsakes me.

I smile because i mean it.
Joy overflowing.

Lord have mercy

Reflecting upon the pass year, looking back...
life wasn't a bed of roses..
neither was i a good student, daughter, friend etc..
On the whole, i just was not carrying out my duties to the fullest.
Indeed, many examples i can state:
-I didnt hand in all my work in school and had to be kicked out of the class to complete them.
-Of all my A Maths tests i sat for, i'm sure i only passed one. (matrices)
-I was bottom 5 in class for physics.
-I had a major quarrel with my close friend for months.
-I argued with my mother at least once a week.
-I slept in class.
-I gossiped.
-I did horrible for my prelims.
-I skipped remedials.
-I was rude and did not care about people's feelings.
-I struggled tremendously with my studies and walk with God.
Boy, there were even more..
Was i worthy at all to be a child of God?
not at all.

But yet, guess what happened this yr:
-God allowed me to serve as an usher.
-Silvia started re-studying the bible.
-Ivan, my mango, got baptised.
-I did well for my O level exams.
-Silvia, my cherry, got baptised.
-God allowed me to share for communion so that i can really feel grateful.
-my Ah kong got baptised.
-My appeal to Meridian JC was successful.

comparing the baddies i did and the blessings he showered me, the blessings are indeed so much more abundant and encouraging than the baddies.
Hey, and its only march!
Wee keong preached,
Who needs mercy?
yes, it is so true, I NEED MERCY!
And truly, God has shown me so much mercy.
I wasnt the ideal Fiona the past year, i must have broken his heart many times.
yet, his unfailing love for me, showed me mercy.
Not only was his blood shed for me thousands of years ago, his blessings are overflowing.
I do not deserved his love, but he has given me mercy.
With his mercy, comes my gratitude.

Thank You Lord.

elation

My insides are now celebrating and bursting with glee and content.
i am happeee. really am.
yippeee.
shout to the Lord! i am filled with joy!
oh boy!
He really answers my prayers.
So well, my appeal was successful and i really owe it all to God and people who prayed for me.
I knw he has a plan and now that he allows my appeal to be a success,
i will walk that path cos he paved it out for me.
so its a start of my brand new life when term starts.
And i will be walking with him.
He'll hold my hand and carry me through the years ahead of him.
All i can give him, is my gratitude and my effort, my best.
so, praise the Lord. Its so awesome!
I am thankful and contented although i will be bonded to Chinese Orchestra=( for the rest of my jc life.

The Lord is my Shepherd.

--

today in my life, i am at a juncture which just eggs me to 'move on' mentally.
The holidays were just a pause in my study life.
Now, its moving on time.

well, it was surprising that i was early to TPJC this morning.
it wasnt even bright yet when i reached the school.
haha.
oh well, it was really peculiar, as in my heart, i was scared, nervous too.
it just seemed like a different type of wind was blowing against my face..
In me, was also a small tinge of dread and uncertainty.
But in my heart, i just told myself,"God, i knw its your plan, and i will walk the path you have paved for me. Whatever it is, i will make full use of what is before me."
i felt calmer then.

when i stepped into the hall, it was chaotic; not at all organised.
I took a long time just to find my orientation group as there werent any indication.
ok, soon after i settled down..
it was really boring as i didnt really have anyone to tlk to.
But well, just unexpectedly i started talking to people and made friends!
THe making friends part was rather sweet though.
But the orientation was firstly, not creative and secondly, it gave me the impression that the school is really slack.
you would understand why when u r there with me.
oh well.
just couldnt explain evrything in here.
whatever it is, i will go for the cca trials on wed in mjc and im hanging on to that small ray of hope.
But yet, still may it be God's will.

He has a plan for me.

results

today was THE day.
it was around 0800 when sixu called me on my handphone.
i was still half aslp thn when he asked, "hey, so where did u get posted to?"
my eyes then widen and i sat up with a jolt.
i answered in a singapore slang, " WHAT!? where got people wake up so early to check results one?" he thn replied, "go check la quick, out already."

So, i dragged myself down my bed and out of my room, booted the computer and logged into the website.
after keying in my IC no without fail, i saw, right before me, my results, the Verdict.
my eyes were literally fixated at the whole screen for minutes!
i just couldnt believe my eyes as tears welled up.
i was utterly disappointed.
i even re-logged in to check if they were really my results.
TAMPINES JUNIOR COLLEGE!
man, i dunno abt it..
all i can sae is that my heart felt heavy, my stomach curled into a tight ball, and i just couldn't smile.
then, it all seemed like a reflex action when i just bounced out of my chair and called shawn.
In my heart, there was only one thing to do, APPEAL.

i went to MJC with siwei who wanted so dearly to appeal too. We were like desperate souls.
well, throughout i received several encouragements and words of worry for me.
i was and am touched.
Thanks gong.
Thanks peeps.
Upon reaching MJC, i got the appeal form and here it goes. it was a really bad intro the teacher gave me though.

She started : what's your L1R5? Raw score please.
Fiona: ermm, 14.
She replied in a matter-of-fact tone: well, now the score to enter MJC, be it arts or science, is 12. and 12 is the RAW SCORE, NOT AFTER DEDUCTION.(she emphasized those words real clearly)
thn blah blah.. i filled in the form.

and this was how she bid me goodbye.
She said: well, i shall keep this and you will know if your appeal was successful latest by fri(10/3). If you do not get any reply from us by fri, it would mean that your appeal was unsuccessful. at the mean time, you would have to report to ur posted jc on mon.
*my heart sank and shouted a "whaAAAT!?"*
Fiona replied: okay, Thanks you sooooo much.

initially, i thot, what? so u mean i have to aimlessly stay in tpjc for the week? its crazy!
but well, i just had to express my gratitude real clearly for the fact tt she accepted my appeal though. haha. what could i say but to thank her?
so i left.

well, i guess like what xavier said, " God loves me and God has a plan for me. "
so i guess, whatever it is, i shall accept it.
all i need to do now, is to pray to be accepting.
o lord, hear my prayers, clear the mist that hinders my path Lord and help me to see it clear.

He never fails to bless me.

impossible

Upon receiving Shawn's phonecall, i swallowed my saliva, feeling a constriction in my throat. My heart literally gave a jolt.
On Shawn's previous message, he asked for my IC no. i gave it to him.
My insides were squirming when he said, with an apologetic tone,
"eh fiona, i think you are going to tpjc, not meridian."
i was like what!? how is this possible? How do u knw?
well, and he mention abt some system problem thing and also included that meridian jc just lowered its points for this yr's intake.
i was utterly speechless.
what can i say?
shawn then began, "nvm la.. relax, just appeal la.. dun worry, appeal for mjc, can already."
well, i guess thats what'll i will do.. can't do anything else can i?

i just wonder, is it because of my over-confidence, resulting in my lack of prayers that God gave me this result of going to tpjc instead?
God, if i now pray fervently for 3 days b4 release of results, will u make a change?
well, now im indeed in a point of preparing myself to accept what would come.
and truly, i am now really standing in the need of prayer.
prayer of acceptance and change.
whatever it is, im truly downcast, confused and worried.
oh well.

*p.s: Shawn is my sec sch fren who went to MJC for first three mths.*

God is in control.