17

to change things that seem hard to change, to make possible the impossible.... to love, to grow, to strengthen, to be a child of God in his image...

When i turn seventeen, i.....
1.pray to be completely dependent on God in my life and resolved.
2.pray to shine in my life as a disciple- in school, in church, in family.
3.pray to be totally humble and nvr fail to share my faith.
4.wanna grow in my friendship with people, be it in church or anywhere else.
5.pray to have a heart of a servant, to serve.
6.pray to love the people around me.
7.pray to walk closely and intimately with my father in heaven.

Turning 17, i...
1.dream to fly!
2.dream to work in God's house.
3.dream to be a news broadcaster.
4.dream to lend a hand and ear to the misfortunate around the world.
5.dream to open a chocolate factory like willy wonka's.
6.dream to be a star!
7.dream to be an angel.
8.dream to be like yo yo ma.

sounds dreamy, but they are all dreams anyway!

When i turn 17, 18, 19.... till as long as live..
i wish, pray, dream....
TO GO TO HEAVEN!

in fact one small wish here,
i want to LOVE mathematics.

also another,
to grow deeper in my relationship with my mom.

another one too,
to solve my grudges and not bear them.

somemore,
i want to see the teens ministry grow and mke it grow as well.

ok.. they are somewhat all my real wishes when i turn 17, so don't laugh!! instead, i ask for prayers.. thanks. =) ahaha.

end of papers

"A man of many companions may come to ruin , but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Well, just to mark the end of my mid yr exams, i would like to share how i fruitfully commemorated that wonderful day. in fact, my weekend was tremendously splendid! well, it wasnt only the weekends though, the whole week through my exams were, well.. accompanied by God. =) personally, i truly look forward to seeing christians throughout e week and of cos going to church. so it always dampens my spirits a little when i have to go to school for the whole week without seeing thm till friday night and sunday.
oooh well... but tables turned for e past week...

Wednesday at 0900: Fiona went to church rooftop to cram for biology paper. The paper was in the afternnoon at 1, so she apparently had a fair bit of time to study it all in. admidst that pressurising time cramming all the information in, *poof* sharon called and sweetly asked if Fiona wanted lunch. She listened to her stomach, noticed that the gastric juice was creating a tremendous tsunami in her stomach and fervently agreed for lunch to be sent. the awesome sharon, gladly brought food to fiona. how sweet! =) it was around 1200 when she arrived. Fiona hastily gobbled up my food, as she had to catch the bus to get to school lest she'll be late! so off she went..

Wednesday at 1600: Biology paper was over. only one more to go! Chinese. =) so i headed off to church where its my only place of revelry.. i was amazed how calm i was doing the paper. despite not completing it, i felt as if God was holding my hand and wiping the sweat off my brow. =) hee hee. i was sure he was doing tt. okay, opened the doors to temasek rm and tadaaa! familiar faces! shawn seet and andrew. =) a surge of warmth inside me. not long after, my dear jacinda arrived and we studied. we did. =) studied all the way till around 9pm with the company of dearest wai cheng. it indeed was a "happy-study session" tt night. =D I name that Wednesday: Wonderfully wise Wednesday

thursday: Chinese paper and bye to the mid years. *laughs out merrily* i was elated! Utterly thrilled! so Fiona pranced off to cityhall, having planned to meet 3 awesome sisters- Viktoria(from texas), Gwen and Sera. it was really cute how it all went. had lunch.. and we well, planned to go to the Coffee Connoisseur to spend tme after the lunch.. but when we reached the mrt, viktoria suddenly said, "have a great time u guys!", smiling. i was stunned. so were sera and gwen, could sense question marks emerging from their little heads. ahaha. a miscommunication indeed. well, so viktoria had to leave as she had plans. she thot we just were supposed to have lunch tgr.. but anyway... there were still the 3 of us. =) to TCC i went... looking forward to hanging out with these 2. ahaha. one thing, the ambience was fantastic and the company just topped it all. =) we really chatted.. loads. till gwen had to leave. not wanting to go home, I spent the rest of the time with sera at borders! =) we walked and talked. spoke abt things we similarly face.. talked about challenges in life and issues we just never touched on before. i was amazed, and i completely treasured that time cos it was time that was missed for so long.... i name thursday: Totally Tremendous Thursday.

First, a question, are you tired reading it? oh too bad for u, cos im enjoying myself here.. heeh.

Friday: was bored at home, no schoool. but, i had plans, i certainly had. =) A trip to Waicheng's office! it was silvia, jacinda and i.. we ran an errand for her.. was a great errand- A trip to Caldecott Hill-Mediacorp. well, had to get some props for her shooting the next day. frankly, mediacorp isnt tt fantastic at all, was totally run down.. and mundane. couldnt believe tt interesting stuff actually come frm there. BEst thing was, Danny's office was beside waicheng's so we had lots of popping by. =) thn, it was midweek in the evening. yipeee! familiar faces again! how splendid. =D so friday was : Friday Frenzy Full of Fantastic Fun with Friends.

Saturday: nth much, but it was movie weekend! went to watch Just my Luck with felicia samantha and jacinda. =) sat at e front row, straining our necks while watching.. but it was still enjoyable. i was so glad i went out with thm esp samantha. =) cos it was a once in a blue moon thing. heeeeh. thn off to ahma hse. i named tt saturday: superb Saturday.

Sunday: the best day of the week. The day in which God relaxes and hears us sing to him. with the splendid sermon about Love. How to love, i always wonder. or what's the right way to Love? well, indeed, Love is a many splendid things, love lifts us up where we belong. and most importantly, God is love. Loving... gosh ok, i'll blog next time abt love. if i go on, it'll mke another blog. heeh. The events of tt day was called: Sunday Spirit! =)

how amazing God works in my life, where i can see people in my very own family everyday. What's most amazing.. God walks with me forever. there are indeed many things experienced throughout my days and weeks.. but these moments, are something, never to miss and always worth to share... =D

"How can i repay the Lord for all his goodness to me? I will life up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord. "
"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you."

Praise the Lord!

therapy

i'll keep this close to my heart:

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?"
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
(Extracted from Romans 8:31-39)

HEEEELLLLLPPPP! i see the enemy just right before me approaching from the other end of the battle field. turn back? i cant.. all i can do is stand firm and fight, with all that i have in my hands now. But if it leads me to victory to glorify my Lord.. shouldnt i fight all the way even more?

to conquer the exams!with my Father's shofar.

a note to my Heavenly Father

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

Dear heavenly Father,

Good morning! =D
O dad i believe it's all sunny and fresh up there in heaven.. i guess the host of angels must be singing some early morning chorals now.. =)
well, i woke up this morning, first tossing around in bed, wondering what am i going to do today. i know that i would have to study.. but i just don't know where to do so and how to start... Lord, please, help to to set my mind focus on what i should do, to be disciplined and to also have that ounce of strength to study...
Lord, time really flies.. it's gonna be the exams soon.. and that's my worry now. Lord, i pray so much not to worry and Lord, i want to do my best for you.. Whatever it is, i want to do my best, to glorify you above on high.
Papa, i love you.
And i know your love for me is more abundant than infinity.

Just me,
Fiona

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is God's love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:11-12

=D

"the best expression of love is time."
indeed.
for the past week..
i was burdened with the fact that i was weighed down with so many things to accomplish.
further discouraged by some discord i had with my mom- with her ranting and scolding.
i was hurt.
However, i didn't fathom how to exactly deal with it until i revisited 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
Well, i guess i should've understood my mom's burden and work hard to be a help to her, her listening ear, and a friend.
it wasn't easy hearing her lash out her problem with all the criticisms.. cos it made me indignant as well.. but i guess im trying to take it well..
and well, also, mking sure that i spend ample time with her.
It wasn't easy understanding her struggles but i realised it made me feel like a confidante, which was sweet somehow.
indeed so, spending more time with her throughout this week, made things so much better. I guess, giving time, truly is a way to express love.

not pretty diamonds or heaps of gifts,
but just time, and small sacrifices
expresses love utterly.
just like what my dad did,
a huge sacrifice, he paid for me..
to save me from the dungeons of hell,
saving me a room in eternity.

alright all, i'm happy now. i hve truly learnt loads from my setbacks and am happy to move on. =)

- - -

don't ask me to smile, cos im so not in the mood to.
not even a grin, a chuckle, let alone a laugh.

im sorry.
tts all i can say to all of u whom i offended.
im grateful for your forgiveness.
but can't u see?
im completely weighed down! i'm stuck in my path!
if it was satan's pleasure, to burden me so greatly today, so be it.
all i can say is tt im utterly worn.
its too many roles to play for a day, in fact, a night.
i can't help but to cry out..
my aimlessness, my note of distress, forlorn.
all i ask for, is help.
just be there O my dear dad.
stand by me.
pick my up.
dust my knees.
and carry me.
i seek ur favour, i seek for strength.
i've burdened one to many people this night..
and my own sack isnt lightened.
for no one would be tolerant with my outrageous emotions now, except you.
no one,
but you.

thoughts

okay.. no fancy msg or creatively crafted posts today..
but i just wanna pen how i feel and all for the pass weeks.. =)

ok, its no more miss whitey smile anymore.. but miss bracey face.
i just had my braces on, unknowingly..
ok, i just wasnt prepared.. i thot i would be there for ONLY an extraction but then he started drawing my teeth and pasting some small pieces of brackets on them... then in my heart, i thot, "uh oh.... so is it....?" anyway, it was!
my heart was palpitating, tremendously.
at tt time, the radio was playing Simple plan's "untitled" too.. so it just added on to the miserable mood... '.... And I can't stand the pain.. And I can't make it go away.. No I can't stand the pain..... I just wanna scream How could this happen to me...'
indeed, just how i felt.. not completely though..
lol cos it didnt turn out like that bad.. i asked for it, didnt i?

but well, indeed it was a pain. However, pain isnt my life, pain isnt everything...
i experienced so much joy.. i thot, tt teeny pain didnt even occupy a paragraph in my book of life. what joy, not the joy of putting e braces of cos..
but well, the joy of having people in my life.
im glad my world isnt revolving around only me..
indeed, its just such a vast difference.. floating on a plank in the sea alone and being tossed in the huge waves holding a friend's hand.
this week.. in fact these few weeks..
im just so encouraed receiving messages evryday.. being informed of how my dear brothers and sisters are doing..
imgine, in the middle of a boring math lecture.. the phone beeps and boo! a msg frm a fellow christian. gosh, it indeed perks my mundane day. =) u'll see me smiling dumbly to myself, but i dun mind! hahaa.
well, sometimes, in life.. u just get to a point where u just wanna stop and tke a break , breathe a little..
but life yet can be so hectic that it would seem almost unreasonable to do so.
anyway.. ive been craving for tt.
in fact.. my pace has somewhat slowed down..
well, indeed this june would be studying for me and all.. having to prepare for my exams which starts tmr, but continues aft the hols..
but hey, i feel happy being able to vacate frm school for several weeks.. plan some free fun times.. and have fun with my awesome friends. not only that, but also to have more dates with dad above.
i guess dad's waiting.. and i cant wait too.. to spend some really gd time with Him.
the bullet train ride.. it still goes on, and ive yet to unboard it..
but hey, a train ride isnt all just abt riding on it! im gonna have fun on it! =)

one thing i wanna work on abt myself,
is to really be in touch with my feelings.. somehow, when term actually started..
i've yet to truly feel how i feel and express it..
(perhaps more d grps would help.. heeh)
im still learning indeed.. Lord teach me to help people around me.. esp the young teens. help me to be a friend and a sister to them, to help them.
Sometimes, scchool and school work just drowns me..
well, i dont want tt to be my life.. just somehow need to strike a balance between my relationship with papa and school stuff.
im torn dad, i need you completely in my life..
im so unworthy..
but the worthy you, suffered with so much humility and pain. I'll never forget that, never.
so instead, dad, i knw i'll not be perfect, but i'll do my best to glorify you..
so tt that day on the cross wasnt for nothing for me.
but dad, i wanna reunite with u in that paradise. i want you to pat my head and sae "well done". I want satan to cry. I want to be like you, Father.. cos im your image arent i?
Dad, i love you, forever. i do.
=)

Infinite thanks

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made ME and I am his;
I am his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Psalm 100:1-3

Thank You for giving me air to breathe.
Thank You for making me Fiona Neo Shi Hui.
Thank You for my mom, my sister, my brother, even my dad.
Thank You for shelter over my head.
Thank You for medicine when i am sick.
Thank You for education i can receive.
Thank You for a school i can go to.
Thank You for my comfy bed.
Thank You for wonderful music.
Thank You for the cello.
Thank You for food that satisfies my hunger.
Thank You for chocolates.
Thank You for the trees that grow and flowers that blossom.
Thank You for the wind that soothes.
Thank You for the sun that brightens.
Thank You for the moon that embraces the night.
Thank You for the stars that bring direction.
Thank You for english that can be expressed.
Thank You for people that care.
Thank You for friendships in my life.
Thank You for role models, teachers and my disciplers.
Thank You for times that i can cry.
Thank You for times where there are laughter.
Thank You for times that i struggle.
Thank You for times when everything seems a breeze.
Thank You for angry times.
Thank You for my rebellious times.
Thank You for times i get spanked cos i learn.
Thank You for creating TIME.
Thank You for times that were hard.
Thank You for beautiful moments.
Thank You for memories.
Thank You for your unconditional love despite my selfishness.
Thank You for your forgiveness despite the many times i was unforgiving.
Thank You for listening despite me being so disobedient.
Thank You for always blessing me despite my ungratefulness.
Thank You for your abundant promises.
Thank You for sacrificing for me.
Thank You for saving me.
Thank You for never forsaking me.
Thank You for creating my inmost being, for evry cell in my body that functions, for every organ and fibre i have.
Thank You for my heart that beats.
Thank You for everything.
Even the sky.....

O lord, i cant thank You enough.
Dad, can't i live with you now? That home beyond the clouds?
I can't wait to be there!
Dad, but i'll wait, if you say so.
It's a long journey indeed, to the clouds and beyond.
BUt i am glad, you are watching over me..
With this, never will i be afraid.
Because i know,
"even when i walk through the valley of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me."

Thanks dad. Can't live without you in my life.
The uncertainties that lie ahead..
Guide me papa.. cos i'm as aimless as a sheep.

Once again,
my utmost gratitude.
I Love You.

the treasurable two

my beloved, my strength

nicholas-venessa

dearest nick, my charming brother.
you are ever so lovely
never will i want to see you suffer.
time flies swiftly,
you are 7 but still so small.
i'll be here, i always will,
even when you're tall,
i'll stand by still.
your woes and feeling,
i hear you whisper,
leaves me brimming
with tears and wonder.
stay strong my boy,
your papa's up there,
carrying you through soil
showering his care.

just a lil boy and he knows, papa's gone.
pure as he is, he nvr resents him.
he nvr fails to say," i love daddy, i miss him".
that leaves me even more heart broken. but that's him i admit, and fiona's gotta be with him. my darling brother, that came as a gift, i'll be there for him.


now to you, sister venessa.
you keep yourself hard,
no one can mess with her.
knowing your thoughts is like digging into mud.
grateful i am though
to have you by my side.
you are a kind lil soul
who helps with all your might.
but just to let you knw,
your dad's above on high.
let your feelings flow,
express it, even if its a sigh.

my sister.. her heart's as hard as stone. how much she feels, she nvr fails to keep. we're a nonsensical lot i can say.. lotsa of bickers and lots of play. but i knw she feels, but strong she stays. i appreciate her in so many ways. my pillar, she is, i need her.

these 2. my closest. my kin. my beloved. my loved ones. my strength. my hope. my joy. my will.
God's gifts.
thanks Father.

just e feelings

i was slacking around as usual, browsing thru various blogs... feeling unwell, and lazy.
but it just somehow happened that as i was reading the blogs, some of thm made me brim with tears.(shall not mention which) but i just felt so moved.
When i read one, i thot,"yea, so this is life with God".
my heart responded with an "Amen"
When i read another, i thot again,"yea, so this is life with friendship in the kingdom"
my heart responded with an "Amen" once again.

frankly, i am speechless. i dunno what to say!
filled with piling emotions. overflowing.
today is Good friday, it can well be just any other day for anyone.
perhaps slightly special for some cos its holiday.
for me, well, im glad its a holiday too though.
didnt feel much initially.
but thn, today, as i was playing captain's ball with some of the teens in macritchie.
i played with so much warmth in my heart despite it pouring.
i could've cried.
i just thought,"what a rare and treasurable day."
it was like playing with my family. perhaps when i am in heaven i can play with thm all day.
its just such a surge of warmth tt filled me, that now, i find it truly hard to describe.
But i just knw, that in my Father's hse with my Father's people is something so dear to my heart.
tell me, if any of u fathom how i feel.
cos the world is filled with so many complications, tt only in my Father's house, i find real comfort.

thank you papa, for sacrificing, for me.

The Jewel

i'll never know how much he did,
i seemed to be a gem in a litter bin.
He searched for me, prying deep into the garbage.
A jewel, a precious stone he views me.

I have lost my colour, my splendour.
The dirt around me, i surrender- to blend.
I shined as rubbish, looking dreadful as jewel.
My master, i have now forsaken thee.

A sudden scoop lifted me up.
My master beamed, kissing me and carressing.
He polished me bright, forgetting all my filth,
His love, i am unworthy to keep.

-Fiona Neo =P


alright alright, here's a poem i've composed. it doesnt rhyme, so read it with rhythm. haha.
Life is such a haste.. perhaps only poetry can comfort me.

Papa, thanks for creating chocolates. =D

stress

im sitting here, with my hands all aching and my eyes half closed.
worn out, i am.
its like a huge wave.. tossing me abt in the vast sea.
I'm struggling to catch my breath, i'm trying to swim.
Can't someone toss me a float? Or perhaps a life boat?
i'm tired.
oh there it is! a lifeboat.
Bring me away, lil lifeboat.
Guide me to where ever i must go...
i'll cling on to u like my life-my source of strength and hope.

oh well, okay, it's like almost evryday that i get off school around 5 plus.
and its just the never ending tutorials and lectures evryday..
but im glad i am in school.
Somehow, when im tired, i just have to remind myself that I am in Meridian becos God answered my prayer and i can nvr be less thankful.
But well, it certainly isnt easy..
the workload and all..
my brain's saturated and is screaming for help.
only God answers.
and i need strength! so much of it!
And God, may your will be done.
it's hard, truly tough...
i am struggling despite it being only the beginning..
but this, being a part and parcel of my life..
i'll move along...

With the Lord, my lifeboat.

oh ya.. here, my college anthem. =) i'm so proud of it.

Chorus:

Born of a vision to be the best,

rising above the rest,

we speak with one clear voice

as this is our choice

‘cause we’re...

Born of a vision to be the best,

rising above the rest,

we speak with one clear voice

as this is our choice

Meridian, yes! we will be

the best.

Verse 1:

Feel the flame of our dream

burn forever;

As our journey here begins,

we’re together.

With each step we take, we know

strength to strength, we’ll grow

as we set ourselves apart.

Verse 2:

Facing challenges ahead,

we will overcome.

With passion, fervour we will strive,

spread our wings and fly.

We will reach the highest star,

through Meridian,

yes our hopes and dreams will shine.

(reprise Chorus)

bless my soul!

in the papers today...
"Cut off his head! We will call on the people to pull him into pieces so there is nothing left."
This came out of the mouth of an Islam member of Afganistan's Islamic organisation when he learnt that an Afghan man converted from Islam to Christianity.
Apparently, the Afghan man is on trial, with a high possibility of being executed.

Upon reading this, i felt a wrenching pain in my heart.
This man, with a heart and passion to know God and follow God is on the verge of being executed.
With his plain desire of just wanting to follow God, led him to such a tragic outcome.
Did he do any wrong at all?
Does he at all deserve this?
My eyes just brimmed with tears.
Seeing a man who has decided to follow God receive discrimination makes me feel so much unfairness and sympathy. It's just so unjust! Utterly!
at the same time, i feel so fortunate to be here in Singapore, being able to choose whatever religion i want and to worship God in any way i desire!
indeed, im abundantly thankful.
As much as he has to walk the path of the valley of death, i am sure, God has granted him a place in paradise.

praise him, my papa!

well, several days ago, my mom and i had an interview session with a friday weekly reporter.
She asked about my life.
In my heart, i didnt know how to start!
Well, it is a fact that my past wasnt glorious at all.
Starting with my dad, i mentioned how many times he left the house and returned.
How many times he hit me because of his own emotions.
How he finally left.
How my mom coped.
How i was so rebellious.
How times were bad.
How hard it was to pick up from where we fell.
How hard it was to take care of my teeny weeny brother, who was all so innocent and naive.
The memories just came flooding back.
While sharing, i was tempted so many times to cry out.
But, just thinking of God, a surge of warm blood just coursed through my veins.
Hence, i just smiled.
I am happy because i have this big papa who never forsakes me.

I smile because i mean it.
Joy overflowing.

Lord have mercy

Reflecting upon the pass year, looking back...
life wasn't a bed of roses..
neither was i a good student, daughter, friend etc..
On the whole, i just was not carrying out my duties to the fullest.
Indeed, many examples i can state:
-I didnt hand in all my work in school and had to be kicked out of the class to complete them.
-Of all my A Maths tests i sat for, i'm sure i only passed one. (matrices)
-I was bottom 5 in class for physics.
-I had a major quarrel with my close friend for months.
-I argued with my mother at least once a week.
-I slept in class.
-I gossiped.
-I did horrible for my prelims.
-I skipped remedials.
-I was rude and did not care about people's feelings.
-I struggled tremendously with my studies and walk with God.
Boy, there were even more..
Was i worthy at all to be a child of God?
not at all.

But yet, guess what happened this yr:
-God allowed me to serve as an usher.
-Silvia started re-studying the bible.
-Ivan, my mango, got baptised.
-I did well for my O level exams.
-Silvia, my cherry, got baptised.
-God allowed me to share for communion so that i can really feel grateful.
-my Ah kong got baptised.
-My appeal to Meridian JC was successful.

comparing the baddies i did and the blessings he showered me, the blessings are indeed so much more abundant and encouraging than the baddies.
Hey, and its only march!
Wee keong preached,
Who needs mercy?
yes, it is so true, I NEED MERCY!
And truly, God has shown me so much mercy.
I wasnt the ideal Fiona the past year, i must have broken his heart many times.
yet, his unfailing love for me, showed me mercy.
Not only was his blood shed for me thousands of years ago, his blessings are overflowing.
I do not deserved his love, but he has given me mercy.
With his mercy, comes my gratitude.

Thank You Lord.

elation

My insides are now celebrating and bursting with glee and content.
i am happeee. really am.
yippeee.
shout to the Lord! i am filled with joy!
oh boy!
He really answers my prayers.
So well, my appeal was successful and i really owe it all to God and people who prayed for me.
I knw he has a plan and now that he allows my appeal to be a success,
i will walk that path cos he paved it out for me.
so its a start of my brand new life when term starts.
And i will be walking with him.
He'll hold my hand and carry me through the years ahead of him.
All i can give him, is my gratitude and my effort, my best.
so, praise the Lord. Its so awesome!
I am thankful and contented although i will be bonded to Chinese Orchestra=( for the rest of my jc life.

The Lord is my Shepherd.

--

today in my life, i am at a juncture which just eggs me to 'move on' mentally.
The holidays were just a pause in my study life.
Now, its moving on time.

well, it was surprising that i was early to TPJC this morning.
it wasnt even bright yet when i reached the school.
haha.
oh well, it was really peculiar, as in my heart, i was scared, nervous too.
it just seemed like a different type of wind was blowing against my face..
In me, was also a small tinge of dread and uncertainty.
But in my heart, i just told myself,"God, i knw its your plan, and i will walk the path you have paved for me. Whatever it is, i will make full use of what is before me."
i felt calmer then.

when i stepped into the hall, it was chaotic; not at all organised.
I took a long time just to find my orientation group as there werent any indication.
ok, soon after i settled down..
it was really boring as i didnt really have anyone to tlk to.
But well, just unexpectedly i started talking to people and made friends!
THe making friends part was rather sweet though.
But the orientation was firstly, not creative and secondly, it gave me the impression that the school is really slack.
you would understand why when u r there with me.
oh well.
just couldnt explain evrything in here.
whatever it is, i will go for the cca trials on wed in mjc and im hanging on to that small ray of hope.
But yet, still may it be God's will.

He has a plan for me.

results

today was THE day.
it was around 0800 when sixu called me on my handphone.
i was still half aslp thn when he asked, "hey, so where did u get posted to?"
my eyes then widen and i sat up with a jolt.
i answered in a singapore slang, " WHAT!? where got people wake up so early to check results one?" he thn replied, "go check la quick, out already."

So, i dragged myself down my bed and out of my room, booted the computer and logged into the website.
after keying in my IC no without fail, i saw, right before me, my results, the Verdict.
my eyes were literally fixated at the whole screen for minutes!
i just couldnt believe my eyes as tears welled up.
i was utterly disappointed.
i even re-logged in to check if they were really my results.
TAMPINES JUNIOR COLLEGE!
man, i dunno abt it..
all i can sae is that my heart felt heavy, my stomach curled into a tight ball, and i just couldn't smile.
then, it all seemed like a reflex action when i just bounced out of my chair and called shawn.
In my heart, there was only one thing to do, APPEAL.

i went to MJC with siwei who wanted so dearly to appeal too. We were like desperate souls.
well, throughout i received several encouragements and words of worry for me.
i was and am touched.
Thanks gong.
Thanks peeps.
Upon reaching MJC, i got the appeal form and here it goes. it was a really bad intro the teacher gave me though.

She started : what's your L1R5? Raw score please.
Fiona: ermm, 14.
She replied in a matter-of-fact tone: well, now the score to enter MJC, be it arts or science, is 12. and 12 is the RAW SCORE, NOT AFTER DEDUCTION.(she emphasized those words real clearly)
thn blah blah.. i filled in the form.

and this was how she bid me goodbye.
She said: well, i shall keep this and you will know if your appeal was successful latest by fri(10/3). If you do not get any reply from us by fri, it would mean that your appeal was unsuccessful. at the mean time, you would have to report to ur posted jc on mon.
*my heart sank and shouted a "whaAAAT!?"*
Fiona replied: okay, Thanks you sooooo much.

initially, i thot, what? so u mean i have to aimlessly stay in tpjc for the week? its crazy!
but well, i just had to express my gratitude real clearly for the fact tt she accepted my appeal though. haha. what could i say but to thank her?
so i left.

well, i guess like what xavier said, " God loves me and God has a plan for me. "
so i guess, whatever it is, i shall accept it.
all i need to do now, is to pray to be accepting.
o lord, hear my prayers, clear the mist that hinders my path Lord and help me to see it clear.

He never fails to bless me.

impossible

Upon receiving Shawn's phonecall, i swallowed my saliva, feeling a constriction in my throat. My heart literally gave a jolt.
On Shawn's previous message, he asked for my IC no. i gave it to him.
My insides were squirming when he said, with an apologetic tone,
"eh fiona, i think you are going to tpjc, not meridian."
i was like what!? how is this possible? How do u knw?
well, and he mention abt some system problem thing and also included that meridian jc just lowered its points for this yr's intake.
i was utterly speechless.
what can i say?
shawn then began, "nvm la.. relax, just appeal la.. dun worry, appeal for mjc, can already."
well, i guess thats what'll i will do.. can't do anything else can i?

i just wonder, is it because of my over-confidence, resulting in my lack of prayers that God gave me this result of going to tpjc instead?
God, if i now pray fervently for 3 days b4 release of results, will u make a change?
well, now im indeed in a point of preparing myself to accept what would come.
and truly, i am now really standing in the need of prayer.
prayer of acceptance and change.
whatever it is, im truly downcast, confused and worried.
oh well.

*p.s: Shawn is my sec sch fren who went to MJC for first three mths.*

God is in control.

anxiety

O lord, calm my anxious heart...

well, as much as i am filled with anxiety, i feel so inspired as well.
so so inspired. utterly inspired.
God has really been hanging on with me..
Evry step of my life, he has never failed to walk with me.
Boy am i blessed.
Writing my speech, thinking of what i want to share, praying so much for inspiration, God just gave it to me..
somehow, as i reflect, i feel that there is actually so many things in my life i feel so blessed abt.
i'm so happy to be who i am today, becos God brought me up..
Thinking abt God, just makes my eyes brim with tears.
He is like the wind somehow, i cant see him, but i feel him so strongly.
He has always been there.... never leaving me.
lol. wah, thn he can be my husband already, dun needa marry!
oh well, he has a plan for me still.. and i surrender it all to him..

right now, in my life, at this instance.. i just feel that God is within me.. living in my heart..
so close.. so intimate.. always there..
my heart beats becos he allows it to..
i breathe because evry breath is his love..

My God is an awesome God..

working

oh well... well, its 3:38pm now..
my brain juice is drained...
i just couldn't think of an incident in my life that i burst out after suppressing my bitterness for a long time..
i just couldnt remember!!! and i hve to!
forgetful me.. oh well.. argh, stressssseeeddd la.
just have to keep reminiscing abt my past and pray for inspiration..
O lord! i need the inspiration..
haha..

well, the weather seems to be having mood swings..
one moment it rains, another moment it turns sunny.
to think its e first time i brought an umbrella out and i didnt use it at all!!
when im out, it is sunny.. when im in, it just rains..
oh well, but i guess its a blessing in disguise somehow..

alright, im just thinking thinking thinking right now.. THINK!!!

heeelllllpppp!
oh, i guees, i would hve to sit on my thinking chair. hee hee.
but there are so many chairs.. dunno which one is my thinking chair. haha.

inspire me Lord!