Never knew I could feel like this

It's this sudden surge of emotions that are smoldering me all of a sudden.
I really don't understand why.

And I guess it's because of all thats happening right beneath my tiny eyes now-
family, people, my relationships.

Facing up with disappointments, mundaneness of life, faithlessness, lost of the fellowship, goals to achieve and internal eruptions, has brought me to a stage now- where deeply inside, I yell so hard.
I keep screaming within me,

"Oh God, Show me!!!"

I am leading a life (or don't we all) that drunkenness can't redeem me from the pain and toils I experience, as much as I long to gulp down that spirit of "temporary memory loss".

With mistakes we have made, how do we feel worthy enough to receive that boundless mercy?

I want to see, feel, experience and exude Your love.


Sometimes, the sadness intensifies till I desire to rip my robe and weep in it.

CHANGE

I think things are working out in my small group.
I am really happy.

Do I trust?

My pulse-rate is increasing every second.
I don't know what's going on.
Tell me.

Where is the REASON?

I have never seen such a huge discourager, but you.
I mean, so what if he scored 19/25 for English?
Maybe it just isn't his thing? But you made it my fault and his lack of practice.
"This is horrible", "You should've gotten full marks.", "how can you forget 8 x 7?" ETC.
These are words of utter disdain to me, let alone to HIM.
You just made him lose all dignity left to be proud of his 90/100 score for Math.
Is the all-band-one criteria that necessary?

Indeed, you have made him a step closer, to being an insecure, worldly minded geek.
I am hurt for him.
Powerless.

Trying Times

These times have come,
when my heart screams and shivers,
and my stomach lurches,
when I feel that my insides are adapting.

These times have come,
when my mind is a thick mist,
in which life just leaves me clueless,
and every step I make is uncertain.

I know those times will come,
when I am completely renewed,
as hope is slowly found,
and my faith, growing into a tiny mustard seed.

Fight on, surrendering.



I ask for prayers: 1. Relationship with my mom, 2. My finances- bank loans and my job. I need direction!!, 3. Let my light shine; that in all that i do, I do it God's way.

More Than Words

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

Exactly.

Moved

It has been a long time since I sympathized with someone.
And today, you moved me.
I do not see you now as someone who is all messed up and shallow, but instead as a broken soul; lost and so trapped.
I know you want to fight for a life to live for, but perhaps you do not know how.
I thought that crazy you was just craziness alone; little did i know, it was just a cover-up for that emptiness within.
Despite knowing, I do not know how to encourage you, or strengthen you.
All i could do, is perhaps to just give you my silent support and make you smile.

I wish I could let you see the greatest lover in all universe, God- that you may feel that love.

The Absence

Great Expectations are inevitable.
From me.
I thought it just comes naturally,
it was possible between us,
not demanding.

Wavering feelings are unacceptable.
From you.
Tell me everything,
make it clear always-
like filling ink on a white piece of paper.

Infallible trust.
I keep that.
Treasure it?

This Ruined Day

Yes, to me, you both are wearing a mask.
Both of you do not quarrel because you agree on everything both of you do.
Sorry, I'm just different.
I know I am not perfect, and I know my contributions are few.
But, you think that I think I am perfect.
That is your weapon against me.
Sorry, I can't make my point clear.
And, I can't bring myself to use words of affection.

I don't know how to make things right with you.

Rolled Eyes

I never knew there was such a thing,
that could ring like a hollow bell, "ding, ding, ding".
Do not wear that mask,
and yet try too hard to attempt that task.
I couldn't stand every time you "huff".
Or wait, was that a "puff"?

Meeewwww

Sanity

Aristotle says: To perceive is to suffer.
My perceptions have indeed burdened me, and I just want to surrender all.
I will not see from my own eyes, but the eyes of my maker.
Any amount of misery is casted away, and laid before my Lord.
The path ahead is not paved by my own feet but I am guided by Him.

Aristotle also says: Hope is a waking dream.
Yes, I see this waking dream. This is amazing.


Who cares about the bad that has happened?
I'll laugh it off. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Memory

Nothing stands out so conspicuously, or remains so firmly fixed in the memory, as something which you have blundered.

-Cicero

The filmstrips of regret, the countless mistakes run in my mind like a movie.
Don't we all make mistakes and remember them? Thats when we learn and never repeat them again.
But yet,

I think it is a matter of love;the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is.

Vladimir Nabokov

What if, the mistake you made, happens to be a memory you love?

Remember the right scenes, and move on with faith.

I am Happy

Finally, I am Happy, after a long time.
I start learning to treasure the other things that are around me, and I want to stick close to them.

Hey lovely!
It was just brilliant passing time with you.
And although you were down with a cold, you still met me!
I don't know, but some nerve in our heads just connected instantly!
I am so glad to be a part of your life.
And I need you in mine too, so badly. =)

Hey another lovely!
You didn't know how much you made my day yesterday did you?
Well, you did! So much!
I am so glad digging that deep into the pits with you.
And I am so glad just knowing you even more, cos now I know, I can turn to you also. =)
Thank You.

* * * * *

Dear You,

So many times, I want to type it out in a text message and send it to you- all the hurt in my heart, the countless unhappiness and unfairness I feel towards you that you do not understand.
But, I am so relieved I held back.
Cos I know now, that this move wouldn't help me and certainly not you.
And just so you know, I so badly want you to shine, to be His servant who glorifies Him.
And just so you know, I want to erase that hurt, erase that mistake and be right.
I am praying countlessly for you.

Earnest wishes,
Fiona.

Retaliation

When we are struck at without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should- so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again.

-Jane Eyre

It is brewing in the heart, but will not come out.
Just forgetting.

Christ in me, I in Christ

I may not do it well,
not immediately
but I've made my first step.
and I'm moving on.

Fear engulfs me,
and Satan whispers,
"turn back, don't forget!"
No, do not listen.

One word is now taboo,
that very one name.
The one that rewinds all memories,
making me insane.

Everything starts brand new,
to get that small faith.
Wanting to love my everything,
find that friend again.

"For He holds the whole body together with its joints and ligaments, and it grows as God nourishes it."

RECUPERATION

When doctors heal patients, they do not exactly find the answer to the cure, but instead heal by a series of examinations and treatments, to arrive at a stage where the patient starts to show good signs of recuperating.... and then the patient finally recovers.

Yea, that's how my wounds are healing i guess.

But the battle is ongoing, and my heart is heavy. I need a sign, the sign that could give me hope and act as my shield, so that i could keep on going...

Don't give me fluctuating signs.

Shattered

i don't know.
I'm weakened.
I'm bleeding.
Someone save this injured warrior.

I realise...

Matthew 3:13b-15
"But one thing I do:Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward that goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Oh, I see. I focus on what is ahead-my destination, my goal which is heaven and not on what is past and gone. I do not brood over regrets and unhappiness.

"All of us who are mature should take such a view of things."
Uh oh, thats me being immature!

"And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."
Yes God, I see it working in me.

I shall move on, focusing heavenward. It is working, Father. You are indeed working in me and the thick, impermeable mist has finally gave way and I see that faith you want me to have.

same

The cuts on you cut me too.

emotions

You are dead, but your soul has never left.
I do not see you, but I feel you- the you that engulfs my breath; I feel like I am dying.
I could walk past every street, listen to every song and they all spell your name.
I hate the letters you send every spring, summer, autumn and winter-
they make me chase after an invisible you, but yet present feeling.
When will the last letter come? the one that tells me to move ahead?
P.S. I love you.-
How can I read this in every letter but only to realise that you are dead?
I often laugh at how absurd it is to be drowned in love; but yet I am confounded by the stupid me who speaks of and recalls endlessly, the obscure you.
My quiescent mind numbs my breathlessness, but my bounded body struggles to fly away.

hahaha! how funny.