Retaliation

When we are struck at without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should- so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again.

-Jane Eyre

It is brewing in the heart, but will not come out.
Just forgetting.

Christ in me, I in Christ

I may not do it well,
not immediately
but I've made my first step.
and I'm moving on.

Fear engulfs me,
and Satan whispers,
"turn back, don't forget!"
No, do not listen.

One word is now taboo,
that very one name.
The one that rewinds all memories,
making me insane.

Everything starts brand new,
to get that small faith.
Wanting to love my everything,
find that friend again.

"For He holds the whole body together with its joints and ligaments, and it grows as God nourishes it."

RECUPERATION

When doctors heal patients, they do not exactly find the answer to the cure, but instead heal by a series of examinations and treatments, to arrive at a stage where the patient starts to show good signs of recuperating.... and then the patient finally recovers.

Yea, that's how my wounds are healing i guess.

But the battle is ongoing, and my heart is heavy. I need a sign, the sign that could give me hope and act as my shield, so that i could keep on going...

Don't give me fluctuating signs.

Shattered

i don't know.
I'm weakened.
I'm bleeding.
Someone save this injured warrior.

I realise...

Matthew 3:13b-15
"But one thing I do:Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward that goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Oh, I see. I focus on what is ahead-my destination, my goal which is heaven and not on what is past and gone. I do not brood over regrets and unhappiness.

"All of us who are mature should take such a view of things."
Uh oh, thats me being immature!

"And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."
Yes God, I see it working in me.

I shall move on, focusing heavenward. It is working, Father. You are indeed working in me and the thick, impermeable mist has finally gave way and I see that faith you want me to have.

same

The cuts on you cut me too.

emotions

You are dead, but your soul has never left.
I do not see you, but I feel you- the you that engulfs my breath; I feel like I am dying.
I could walk past every street, listen to every song and they all spell your name.
I hate the letters you send every spring, summer, autumn and winter-
they make me chase after an invisible you, but yet present feeling.
When will the last letter come? the one that tells me to move ahead?
P.S. I love you.-
How can I read this in every letter but only to realise that you are dead?
I often laugh at how absurd it is to be drowned in love; but yet I am confounded by the stupid me who speaks of and recalls endlessly, the obscure you.
My quiescent mind numbs my breathlessness, but my bounded body struggles to fly away.

hahaha! how funny.

vow

You see, I got a ring and engraved "FAITH" on it, put it on my ring finger and now, it is my wedding band- a vow made fpr every step I make in my life.
A prayer, a cup of raspberry vodka and jacob's high fibre biscuit was what i used as my communion.
My ceremony was complete and I now move on, surrendered with a reminder on my finger.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Faith

Everything that does not come from faith is sin.

I am such a sinner.
O me of little faith, give me that strength to surrender what is to come to you, Lord.
I am excited to live this life of faith, only to wake up every morning, failing to be faithful.
I don't want to only be impacted momentarily, I want to be utterly resolved- drenched with the knowing of Your love, and full of believe that my cup if filled with your promises, that every step I take is a footprint of fulfillment.

I want to do my best, so that I can allow you to do the rest.

Sigh

I am an artist at living- my work of art is my life.

My palette is broken, i've run out of colours and my brush has hardened.
How am I going to re-paint this picture that has been hung up on the wall for me to see?
So much for changing this life.
I'm tired of the changing perspectives that i ought to possess- those "think positive" kind of technique.
The fact is, you are no longer my father.
So clearly stated in the papers you've signed, you have chosen to break away.
But your blood runs through my veins!
I thought I've gotten my mind off you since you walked away 6 years ago.
But, this reality has crumpled my mind, and every neurone just twitches with the thought of you gone.
My nerve impulses are inconsistent, I can't accept it.
I am sad!

Perhaps,

inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flicking, but
my smile still stays on.

Drive your taxi and perhaps i'll hitch your ride one day.

for once

for once, L, I see how you may be hurt and I truly sympathize.
I understand your emotional trauma and perhaps, am glad I am learning from your plight.
Well, maybe you should consider, trying to live life for yourself and just be happy.
This is what I am striving to do too.

for once, L, I see you vulnerable and realise , how I am weak in my emotions as well.
well, I am learning to stand tall and think well.

L, it won't go away just in a snap. But brave through this stormy season, and it will be okay.
I am braving through it too. The storm will pass over.

L, if someone is going to feel lesser, do not blame yourself for feeling much more. Just live this life for yourself, and move on.


move on, for myself.

hatred

you've pierced me with the rusted nail you've held in your hands thus long.
yet, you appear in front me, clean and without blemish.
I do not understand.
I can't hold on.

My blood boils with detest of you now.
__ ____ ___ ___ ____ ________.

Without you

I went out with a company of three today,
that made 4 of us.
We roamed the streets all day,
and we didn't even fuss.

In fact the fun I got,
was over the moon,
and what not.
I forgot utterly of my struggles so soon.

I think the time was cool,
and it wasn't that bad without you.
I couldn't be such a fool,
to mull over just you.

Come back.






the job is a mist of fog that i can't predict.
clueless, frightened.

messed

Shouldn't have done it the reflex way.
Shouldn't have made that move.

Completely messed up.
Completely clueless how to savage it.

God help!

Christmas

Like the strings of a cello being played, my heart feels a tingling vibrato that makes me shiver.
And the mellow drone of the instrument is exuded- heart wrenching, teary, yet full of passion.
"I can't believe it actually happened, and I am celebrating?"
The music is only heard by my very own eardrums, while I savour the delicious roast beef, the once in a blue moon Virginia ham and drink my sparkling juice laid before me in this splendid, in what we call, "christmas" setting.

I hear the sound of Via Dolorosa, the road down Calvary, even during his birthday!
He, borned to die?
It must have been a joke.
It can't be true.
I'd declare a loud "HAHA".

But reality speaks, and tells me, how true it was.
The Christmas tree, all shiny and colourful- a mark of the tree he was nailed upon.
Embedded in all the joy we bask in, lies the very mark of nobility, of love that no one could imitate.

I shiver, because I sinned today.
Such an unworthy sinner as I, has received the greatest gift, more than what's under my Christmas tree.

"Appreciate it, Fiona!"

dunno

open your eyes big enough to see.
see that everything is beautiful.
beautiful things fly pass me.
me, who does not see them all.
all that fills me is confusion.
confusion that tear me down.
down to the very nerve in me.
me who sees reality,
reality translated into sighs.

it's painful.
please rewind.

the tape that has played for ages,
music that has drifted by,
are filmstrips that can't be unwound,
the story i can't rewind.
It won't be just washing off my memory,
but starting on a fresh page.
buy me new parchment,
i need new ink.
Press refresh, now.

it's difficult.
factors aplenty.

just bear with it
and then overcome.
nothing is too hard,
faithfulness does not cease.
Lift this head up high,
keep smiling.....
keep smiling.....

even when things turn out unexpectedly...

Back from Batam

This is day 1 of clean shower, with clean water.
The water from my tap has never been so transparent since 4 days ago....

It was yellowish, like drain water.
You'd wonder if it's rust or simply dirt and algae.
I didn't know what made it so impure, but i showered in it anyway.
What could you expected from a Sijori Resort in Batam anyway huh?

But I do not complain....

For the little kids at Batesda orphanage, it's utter luxury.

The 4th of December once again

Maybe, I should be on the cross instead.
Maybe, it is better this way.
Maybe, if so, I will take my sins more seriously.
Maybe, I would have already died infinite times.

If not, for HIM who died.

3 years after pledging to my saviour my love and faith, I'm still so imperfect.
If i had a chance, I would want to renew my covenant once more.
If i had a chance, I want to erase my mistakes and rewrite my story.
If i had a chance, I want to see Calvary.

I guess it is impossible, witnessing His death. But it is all too real, how life is supposed to be. Be it the narrow or the wide gate, we all know which to go, just that too many times, we choose to take the easy way, that road so wide that brings us into destruction.

Why do we know but yet not follow?

Now, I am sure the reward of the narrow path is eternal and i could almost visualise it in my mind- the feast in Heaven, the band of angels, my fellow fighters.

And there I am!

SMILING. :D


The battle is worth it. It really is.

-

Do you know about the angpao, in it a little note and a paper heart is folded?

I remember it all my life.
I remember the exact words, the exact writing.
I remember that little frame of yours, with that beaming smile.
I remember the frownless face.
I remember the sincere words.
I remember the flame in your eyes, forever burning.

I believe it is God's work.
I believe God protects you.
I believe you are smiling now.

I learn that you are so strong.
I learn how precious our lives are.
I learn to treasure every step i make.
I learn to be a fighter.

David, I love you in the name of the Lord.
David, the hall of faith crowns you.

I Remember

I woke up this morning.
I remembered.
I remembered everything.
Everything about you.
I know nothing more can be added,
only rewound.
No matter how many regrets,
they can't be done.
I wish whatever you wrote came true,
but now, it's too late too.
That happy face,
I'll always remember,
I'll remember that brilliant you.