BAD

Two tight slaps- these, you have not given for years.
And now, I am receiving them just because I'm being truthful, stating my stance?
Probably i raised my voice, making me sound rude but does that make your argument sound? Does that make you wholesomely blameless?
Well, you got angry in the first place, because all i did was, not call you earlier?
So i am supposed to understand everything you do and just stay at home 24/7 like your security guard because you say that your life is in a much dire state than mine and if i do not do so, I am SELFISH?
Tell me, how am I to comprehend this.

On a lighter note,
"It is sweet.
It is sticky.
Bake it with a ham.
What is it?
Honey baked ham!"

By Nicholas Neo (some kinda poem he created on the taxi ride home.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

To know all is to Forgive All

If i knew you and you knew me-
If both of us could clearly see,
And with an inner sight divine
The meaning of your heart and mine-
I'm sure that we would differ less
And clasp our hands in friendliness;
Our thoughts would pleasantly agree
If i knew you, and you knew me.

If i knew you and you knew me,
As each one knows his own self, we
Could look each other in the face
And see therein a truer grace.
Life has so many hidden woes,
So many thorns for every rose;
The "why" of things our hearts would see,
If I knew you and you knew me.

"To Know All Is to Forgive All"-Nixon Waterman

ONCE MORE

It is a Revelation I've stumped upon, God's will I suppose.
Things change, right from this point forth.
Things change.

Things just have to change no matter how difficult.
It's just a way to help me find my lover once again- My God.
Not that my lover has left me, not that he ceased loving me and not so that I didn't love him back.
But, I just didn't rely on him anymore, and when I wanted to, it was hard to be faithful.
My thoughts and emotions were consumed, consumed with something I shouldn't mull too much over, or perhaps it was sheer indulgence.

It had to stop.
And I will find my way back into LOVE.
Love is simple, yes. But only if you know how to and only if you ARE willing.

Life is just a path of mistakes and many obstacles, but it is joy because I am never alone. There is no love greater than HIS and that outwits, outplays, outlasts, and outruns any misery/suffering I bear.

HE walked the greatest road of suffering.
It was Calvary.

I am strong, because I carry HIS yoke and HIS burden. And they are all easy and light.
They ARE!

ONLY YOU

I am CLINGING.
I am SURRENDERING.
I am PERSEVERING.
I am FIGHTING.
I am TRUSTING.

I must.

I will BELIEVE.
I will SMILE.
I will SUFFER, with JOY.

Only with my father, in heaven.

somebody

Dear someone,

hello. if you would listen, or rather, read.
how do you do? if you would bother and sit with me to chat.
i'm pleased to meet you. if you would just HELP me.

hey someone? if you are here..
well, i just am tired.
i need a revelry, a shoulder to lean, help.
someone? i'm calling out.. i'm yelling? do you hear me?
i'm trying.
but i'm weak.
i'm still trying.
going on.

TRYING.

hey someone? on my left? right? front? back?
the sea of crowd pays no attention.

hey someone? i'm not that strong...
i'm already torn in realities of life.. all i ask for is just support.




oh well, it's okay then..
i'll go on my journey... up the hills, down slopes, along pebbled paths,through the thickets of dense forest or swarmy marshes.
At least Dad, you listen?
i know that armour you've bestowed upon me.
it's right in my cupboard.
let me go wear it.

i'll stick close to you. wearing my armour. fighting on.
it's all worth it, when it's all right.

Just me,
Fiona

picking up God's armour, to prepare for the battle.
to fear no death, no dejection. no pain.
to BE completely faithful, humble and persevering.
to run, keep running even if tired.
to know, the shield of faith protects me, the breastplate of righteousness sustains me, the sword of the spirit represents me, the belt of truth strengthens me, my ready feet empowers me,my helmet of salvation saves me.

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

pursuit of happiness

To pursue, that HAPPINESS.


walking
treading
trampling
clambering
running
tossing
crawling
leaping

moving on....

letting it all go at the same time.

i know it just isn't an easy part of my life-

STUDIES
RELATIONSHIPS
SPIRITUALITY

these are very much the struggles i am going through.
i am, surviving?
well, grasping for breath.

today's a sunday, but a monday is looming.
to me, its a foreboding sign, an indication of impending torture and struggle, what not.

perservere.
i'll try to do that.

Fiona, sleep early,
and GO GO GO!
RECHARGE!

at least there is spend time with peiling to look forward to in the afternoon for spiritual food?

Father, i'm calling.

FATHER, tell me what to do.

it's so difficult facing it all..................

FAITH

"FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
What follows the passage is the faith of the many ancients in the bible.

If i become an ancient.... is this what will be written?

By faith, Fiona who faced failures of her life,
picked herself up. Although not knowing where it will lead her to, moved on doing her best to glorify God. And for that, God was pleased and provided her with well- deserved fruits of her labour.

By faith, Fiona struggles through times of temptation. She never stopped sharing her faith and stood up for all that was right in God's eyes.

By faith, Fiona believe that God was walking with her through troubled times.

By faith, Fiona never felt discouraged in trying times. She smiled.

By faith, Fiona places everything in her life before God, setting her priorities right.

By faith, Fiona only seeks to please God, even if it means to go against her emotions.

By faith, Fiona beats her body and makes it her slave to run the race for God. And for that, God crowned her with the glorious crown of gold.

By faith, Fiona exclaims, " i am the Lord's servant, may it be as HE has said."

I want my life this way..

I pick myself up, without a hint of fear of what will happen because i live by faith.
I beat my body, and keep my face ahead, only aiming for that heavenly reward.
I struggle, but i hold on to my Father, and i brave through.
I safeguard my soul, completely pure.
I dream, to be God's good little servant.

And when i finish my test of life, I smile.
Because i see my Father, and he smiles at me.

i love you, dad.

Too many sorries..

SORRY.

perhaps this word is now void of its meaning.
because i've said it one too many times.

it happens everyday,
and Fiona wonders... why does she just have to always react in the worst way?
So many words to say..
But i just have to make the comments i make gray.

My life just isn't right.
STUDIES
PEOPLE
FAMILY
TIME
and just LIFE.

and now, my words just have to come in the way.

LORD, help me to know what to say and do.
To do them the RIGHT way.

Father, give me strength!!

HELP

STRENGTH.
i need.
FOCUS.
i need.

FIGHT!!

i just need to prove it(that i am studying), right?
prove it with all the results.
but proving itself, is difficult.
when it's all so difficult.

what a tough fight.

help.

LIFE, not MY WAY

i can't...
i'm so tempted to ring that bell- the "surrender" bell.
It's like an internal battle within.. that only my God and I know.
Perhaps, including Satan.

STUDIES
SPIRITUALITY
FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
CHARACTER
PRIORITIES
what not. they just overflow with things i must deal with.
Get lost Satan.

Where is that armour i was wearing?
my belt of truth? my breastplate of righteousness? my feet fitted with readiness? my shield of faith? my helmet of salvation? my sword of the spirit?
Where are they now?


Father, help me to FIGHT ON.
Father, give me STRENGTH.
Father, walk with me.
Father, show me where to go.

So much fear...
but yet, so much uncertainty.
Recurring emotions, im just sick and tired of them.

SMILE fiona.
take a little step of faith each time.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
If my God is for me? who else can be against me?
i believe so.

To lead my life walking God's path.

To be more than conquerors...

CLUELESS

OVERWHELMED
UNCERTAIN
CONFUSED
TIRED
DEJECTED

Why does it happen again and again?
all the (s'rehtom) rambles about my studies, my future and blah...
when i am TRYING!

Why do people get so paranoid?
Look, i am striving so hard to walk God's way.
Perhaps they meant well... but..

Why is life just so difficult?
MY work just makes me want to rip my brains out.
The amount of things to balance, people i have to face and chores i have to fulfill.
It's overflowing.

Why is it that i am in such a dire state of life?
Nothing seems to be working out in my studies.
IT's so difficult to be an example in church.
Being a student who shines in school isn't any easier.
Now, where is my willpower?

So much for the WHYs...
I've casted them away.
i know how pointless it is to be leading a WHY-ful life.
But yes, these thoughts just brushed pass my head, to be honest.
But hey, Fiona really is learning to be a Fighter.
Not some street-fighter fighter..
But a fighter who clothes myself on in God's armour.
=D

OPTIMISTIC
FAITHFUL
MOTIVATED
ZEALOUS
FOCUSED
DISCIPLINED
GRATEFUL

CRIES TO YOU

GOD'S WILL.

it has always been in my head.
but submitting to it....
A struggle it is, to be completely resigned.
But, i am now. Resigned to Him.
I cling on to him, tighter than how i hug my bolster when asleep.

A flashback:
"do you know that you are always spaced out and blur?"
"lazy you, don't you know how precious my time is?"
"I am not like you, everything i do has to be done well and efficiently."
Perhaps it is only to her that i am this way.
Whatever she says about me, doesn't appear to be what i think about myself.
Or am i just being unaware?
What is it i have to do to show her that i care about my own life?

"Don't tell me you have no plans to go to the University at all?"
"Please, at least show your father that you can be of use even with only me supporting you."
I know! i want to show him that too!
I want to be a useful person!
I have goals!
Perhaps just invisible to your eyes...


A Penny for My Thoughts:
This road i am walking, is a winding path, paved with clods and muck. The vision is nothing but thick mist, but the destination revealed would be Paradise, i am sure.
I realise, it's all about just fighting on.
That willpower, that determination. That focus on the finishing line.
That surrendered heart, to heed GOD'S WILL.

Everyday Father, i cry out to you.
Full of pleas, full of requests for forgiveness.
You forgive me,
but my sins are repeated.
Everyday Father, i extend my hands to you.
Reaching for help, clinging on.
You save me,
again and again.
Everyday Father, I live my life for you,
Struggling, striving to be perfect like you.
You watch me,
perfecting the plan you have for me.

I Love You.


"Perfecting Holiness"

THE LIGHT

"You are the light of the world- like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all to see."

Do not be afraid, O my soul.
Why are you so faithless?
Pick up the strength and fight ahead!
So what about the difficult math sums?
the chemical reactions to memorise and apply?
Do it for the Lord above!

Just look straight my soul,
persevere on and keep walking.
what is weariness when His big hand sustains me?
I am not afraid, i do not fear death.
Even my brother who faces death is kept so strong.
Let alone me?

Fiona, fight in the light.


"I surrender all... and walk the righteous way."
O lord, i keep praying.

Spiritual Eyes

Looking ahead... i see it all with my HUMAN EYES:
a road of utter uncertainty..
danger lies, foreboding..
and i see a defeated soldier, me.. unable to find that courage and strength to tread another step.

But victory must come!
and i want to end that journey with elation and much more strength!

THis new year, it has started really well.. never had so much craziness in my life.. not sleeping for more than 20 hours! it was rather absurd and all, but it happened.
i think i really had time to think about the year ahead.. and think about what i am going to do about it.
Father, first of all.. I am going to walk in your footsteps. Faithfully.
i'll take your hand, and never let go.

I'll look at my life, with spritual eyes.. God, i know u have a greater plan and you are bigger than any of the forces that come against me as i try to do what's right.
i wanna do the rightest and bestest, for you...

i must conquer this year..
it's not going to be some mindless, blatant comment.
it's gonna be fulfilled. it's gonna be CONQUERED.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
- My Father's promise

Be brave Fiona, and fight!!!

"fight with me, yes.. please fight with me."
"be strong with me, my pillar of strength."

-Fiona's so grateful.

that faith, just like a mustard seed.. is enough
that courage, just an ounce... is sufficient
that strength, just like a shoulder to lean on, is worth it.
that spirit to fight, just like remembering God's promises, works wonders.
that ending, just like God's promise of Heaven, is most fulfilling.

MOVING ON

Resolutions done.
Reflections made.
So am i just gonna walk on from here?
its scary.. trepidation in every step.
Petrifying.
i am not ready, not ready to put on that armour.
How am i going to do so?
Help me.

To look back, and never regret...

Moving On to 007

An ounce of motivation is all i need.
to go to school next year and face that dreadful year of the Big As that is.
Or should i say i need that courage to be exact.

i found myself browsing through the archives of my blog, and discovered that my recent entries were not so much of gratitude as compared to those i wrote in the beginning of the year.

Then i asked myself, "Aren't I grateful any more?"

Truly, things have been rather discouraging of the late (before the retreat).
1. My results
2. My studies
3. How to move on

In fact, above all things, these are the things affecting me tremendously. But, i just do not know how to bring it out or rather i just chose to cast it away for the moment. But the year is ENDING, and i must face them ONCE MORE!

"a peculiar feeling though, gazing at my vicinity from the corridor of my flat, i see greenery, birds, the humongous blue sky that suspends over me. Not only that, but also the lovely fluffy clouds that float like marshmallows or cotton candy. Hey, thinking abt all these, i don't see life useless!
Its crazy how God gives us challenges in our lives, that sometimes, it really is challenging to think only of its beauty. Well, surely, even the most hideous thing has its own charm..
haha well, but the fact is that the earth and its wonderful nature is so beautiful by its own. Captivating and tranquil.
Its actually more sense that we humans are the ones pollute the beautiful earth God created. BEsides, he created nature first, didnt he?
Well, God created us because he loved us. BUt here i am, polluting it with my sins and discontentment.
Lord, father, thank you so much for the blessings you've showered me."

-Quoted from 20 February '06 Post.

i wanna think this way again...
thinking about studies, just sinks my heart.
Why can't i just be grateful and think about the day God allowed me to step into this dream college of mine?
Why can't i just have that mindset to work hard from just there?

"oh well, okay, it's like almost evryday that i get off school around 5 plus.
and its just the never ending tutorials and lectures evryday..
but im glad i am in school.
Somehow, when im tired, i just have to remind myself that I am in Meridian becos God answered my prayer and i can nvr be less thankful."

-Quoted from 30 March '06 Post

I want to have that motivated heart as before.
i want to fight on!
Help me Father, cause i am screaming for you now..
i wanna pull throught next year, feeling victorious.
As much as so much good happened the beginning of this year, now that it it's year end, i am grateful for many things too....

Chronologically...
1. MY PROMOTION.
Indeed, i've not done well, and it was bad. BUt Father, you allowed me to carry on..
Thank You.
Indeed, i've not put in much effort to buck up during the holidays, but i really wanna get that spur of energy and really fight on to do my best and do well!I want to! i MUST! i'm serious.

2. CONFLICTS.
i hated conflicts.
but now, solving them with my brothers and sisters..
it just made me love them.
The feeling of being resolved and coming out feeling as if i am lying on a cloud.
that fluffy and cool feeling.. =)

3. RETREAT.
Well, the retreat made me understand how a FAMILY really is.
And for so long, i didnt actually treat them all as my family.. setting standard for everyone.
But now, i learn so much to love, and to love for their mistakes cos that's what i get back too.
And the heart to heart talks were amazing.
It made me understand haha, brothers much more. And i love them still all the same!

4. SKIT.
This skit, brought us all together.

5. DATES.
Thank you shawn seet for arranging the dates. hee hee.
Dates- christian fellowship as what my mom always defines really allows me to learn to be encouraging and at the same time be encouraged.
And, i really was.
Thank you Elijah.
The walk in the library, discovering that book-"the history of God"(HAHA), the sharing about your life, about God, the way you encourage me and spur me on, the openess, the humility and giving heart, the awesome carl's junior dinner, the yummy wonka bars and wonka's sourlicious candy, that beautiful sunflower, the movie trip, how you patiently explained the movie to me..
oh man, great job. i am so grateful. =D

Lastly, I am grateful Father, that you give me a chance to start another year.. i know it's gonna be tough, but isnt it a new beginning? a new chance, new resolutions.
Like what lubin says," The first day of the rest of your life."
it really would be the first, the genesis of the rest of my life as 07 sparks off.

It will be amazing.

*this is to Jacinda, and EJ at e moment who complained that they'll dread the coming of school term. and to all who feels the same..

RockIt~

it's gonna be a fairly long post i guess....

it all started with uncertainty and reluctance.
1. arrival at woodlands MRT

i see the familiar faces, but my heart just didn't tell me to smile and be happy.
i greeted them all. it was sweet with all the good mornings and hugs.
my mood was lifted slightly.
The bus ride was fun and funny and the journey was a breeze, not much encounters to be exact just plain ol' fun.
But, the pit of my heart was still soiled.
i would say, it was a premonition of impending conflicts and unhappiness.
i was charged NEGATIVE (-)

2. Finally at Garden City estate.
Charming!
i was in love with the place.

3. Down to the field for games.
before that, we were sorted into groups.
Martin, Fiona, Lorinda, Erica, Sharon, Benjamin and Brian.
Yay~
here's our cheer:
" Flinstones, we're the Flinstones. We're the happy rocking family. Come out! try and smash us! We will blast you all to smithereens!"
by the way, it was COMPOSED.
and by the way, we were called FLINSTONES! lol
the games were awesome, how awesome?
just try stuffing biscuits in ur mouth and reciting tongue twisters at the same time. haha
tt stupidity was fun.
Then we had water games.. and some awesome game in which you had to put your nose, even ears on the ground..! It was hilarious seeing everyone desperately wanting to win..

3. Next day was A famosa.
How fun can it get but more water fun!
woo~ a BLAST! indeed. =)
i floated around... slid around.. and swam around.. haha.

At this point.. my heart was still soiled i guess.... but i casted it away. I gulped more water, and suppressed it.

4. Old folks home and evangelism.
The most enlightening day.
never thought i would get so emotional looking at the elderly, feeling tt moment of longing and sadness. farewell, couldnt be tt bad. but it was. especially, at the thought of not being able to return there. byebye ah ma!~

but yet, on this day...
tt supression was detected.. and i had to sort my feelings out.
it was emotional.
but it was awesome.
it was like quenching my thirst after being in the desert for months.

5.The parting.
bye melaka..
it was all a memory now..
but all in all, just one word. AWESOME.
if u ask me, how did it go?
i would answer: AMAZING.
the best fun.. and the most enlightening.
i was touched.. i was cut.. and i was refreshed.

and what's more? the next day was my spiritual birthday just after retreat!
my yr, was summed up so well.
so much lessons learnt and having grown so much.
i look back, ready to march forward.
Let's go father!

LEt's move on to yesterday... or even the journey back home.
fiona has been pondering about her second year as a christian, with an anarchy of emotions about this beautiful day.
but thn, it was a pleasant surprise...
truly.
thanks for the sharing on the bus.
really thanks all of you.
i am just so GRATEFUL. so so GRATEFUL.

i thot that was enough.. really enough.
till yesterday.
it was greater surprise..
well, all... it's okay it didnt really turn out a surprise.. but what's more was all of you, being there.
it was a great time.
and it was like family.
our family, although not connected by blood..
is bound by us, with a common goal.. walking tt common path- up to heaven.
and i realised how valuable it is, to be with all of you.
That its not just a company..
but a connection.. and bond..
it's one love.
ok, not to make me emotional anymore.
but it was just the best thing tt has happened. truly, the best.
and it's truly enough!

ok... something really nice, that keeps me going on is this song:

King of my life, i crown thee now, thine shall the glory be;
lest i forget thy thorn-crowned brow, lead me to calvary.

Lest i forget Gethsemene; lest i forget thine agony.
Lest i forget thy love for me, lead me to calvary.

Show me the tomb where thou wast laid, tenderly mourned and wept;
Angels in robes of light arrayed, guarded thee whilst thou slept.

Lest i forget Gethsemene; lest i forget thine agony.
Lest i forget thy love for me, lead me to calvary.

Let me like mary through the gloom, Come with a gift to thee;
Show to me now the empty tomb, lead me to calvary.

Lest i forget Gethsemene; lest i forget thine agony.
Lest i forget thy love for me, lead me to calvary.

May i be willing, lord, to bear daily my cross for thee;
even thy cup of grief to share, thou hast borne all for me.

Lest i forget Gethsemene; lest i forget thine agony.
Lest i forget thy love for me, lead me to calvary.

"father, if anytime i forget your love, your suffering, my salvation... lead me to the cross."

love, Fiona

The year ends soon...

someone pinch me.
i can't believe my whatever.
the year is just ending.
and we all begin again. 2007.
it scares me.
i know it's not even december, but im feeling it already. the feeling's somewhat foreboding.
i wish it would not come.
but it's nature, to move forward isnt it?
no one grows from old to young. that would be absurd.

but anyway..
Uncle takeshi was amazing.
and i look up to him.
What he said, made me deeply consider how i want my life ahead to be.

What is my conviction?
i just gotta know. it has to be obvious.
What is being grateful?
i really gotta learn to appreciate people.

things have been bugging me lately. be it personally, relationships, sprituality, and my life ahead.
everything somehow affects me lately as i become much unoccupied..
but i set my heart, to mke the best out of evrything.
and it's true how it can be so difficult to deny myself, to focus on what's most important..

well, on thursday, i'll be off to melaka for 4 days.
and, i wanna mke sure, i return refreshed leaving great memories behind and of cos, fufilled.
well, this trip to melaka, is certainly not just a holiday trip but my very own teens retreat and mission trip.
it's God's plan, it's awesome.
It's my father, using me, to mke a difference.
And, i knw.. i gotta be humble.
but hey! im looking forward to it! i really am!~ =D

"well done, good and faithful servant!"

Xin Long

Well, i would like to share something that touched my heart so much, some time ago.

A boy, or should i say, a young man, called Xin Long.
On that day, Larre instructed,"Fiona, just look out for Xin Long", pointing at his name on the list.
i nodded. rather chirpy at that moment as i couldn't wait to see him.
i ran into the classroom, every child in there was wheelchair bound, all struck with a particular illness- Cerebral Palsy.
Well, some are still able to walk, even utter a few sounds while others just stay buckled on the chairs in an awkward position staring into blank space.
I searched for Xin long, calling out for him, at the same time hoping that he would be one that suffered from mild cerebral palsy so at least it won't be too hard for me to handle, but i guess i was wrong...

There was Xin Long, all scrawny and pale, his bones protruded beneath his skin. He looked like a man, at least my age, no doubt.. but he whinned like a baby, he couldn't even utter a decent word. All he did was groan, grunt, snort and produced burping sounds, but it was natural for him. i was flabbergasted. so, i asked his helper his age, his condition- he was 18 and he suffered from rather severe cerebral palsy. my heart cried for him when i heard that.

As i fed him his tea, i had to tear a small part of the bread, dip it into milo, before putting it into his mouth as he couldn't chew at all. My hands trembled, really, they did. He felt like a glass figurine, too delicate to even stroke lest he might break. That was him.

He wore diapers, not to scare you. And he drools, constantly. And, that really was him. is he human? or a man at all? YES! YES! but his behaviour.....?

well, it certainly looked frightening, or in other words, abnormal.
but my heart, literally melted for him.
i played with him, i danced with him.
i sang for him, he smiled.
to this person, is everything i would do to a kid, in fact, even more.

at the end of the day, he sulked when i left, and his form of showing gratitude was a wide smile, baring all his teeth and his eyes could not be seen at all.
it was just sweet.
i would almost fall in love with him!
who cares about what he is?
but he feels! and that is what matters!

i miss him.
That boy, Xin Long.

well, i guess God created him, to make me realise, how love can be so unconditional, and the position of leading a life so different that it could be even hard to love. Xin Long, he humbled me. He showed me purity, helplessness and the battle of fighting to live. Amazing.