Dance without a fiddle

Things

2009-11-28T11:27:00.002+08:00

Life can just go on and on, even when we feel it should stop and take another route.

So many times, I feel like I should give life a pause, and rewind or maybe even a fast forward, although fast forwards are usually unwise in my opinion.

I feel that all these things I face can be such a torment at times.

But when I think again, I could have been a worse person without those things.

When I look at life, I feel amused sometimes.

Perhaps I may be tickled by life's absurdities, bored by how things can be such a routine, or even just laughing because things can be that bad.

I am such a critic, but being critical does not make me the judge I always think I am, but instead, always analyzing, and reading more into things just make me see.

I see how life is. I see other's perspectives. And I see God's love.

I know life is never possible to be judged with our naked eyes and minds. No matter how hard we read into possibilities and matters, we can never derive with the perfect answer, even when we are the storytellers.

I am looking at things, just as things are, and I am trying to love them.

Run.

2009-05-30T12:25:00.005+08:00

I love what I see when I run.
I start comprehending the beauty of the world God has made.
I don't want to stop running.
And this is the wonder of it.

Tonight, I run, and I see the glamour of the dark.
I can't wait!
Run, run, and conquer the night!!!

So this is life.

2009-05-16T12:10:00.003+08:00

I search for the true meaning of life,

and attempt to discover Happiness.

But if Happiness is "good fortune, pleasure, contentment, and joy",

what exactly defines such things?

The wonderful colours of nature,

the perfectly spaced universe.

All life on this earth that dwell, and grow-

beautiful.

Is this happiness?

"It is not enough!" the mind whispers sinisterly.

The desire for love,

the want of attention.

Attraction, beauty, vanity.

Is this happiness?

The attainment of glory, and fame.

Thriving wealth.

A life of class, and status.

Is this happiness?

Indulgence?

The art of mixing alcohol, wine.

The highness that can cast sorrows away.

Is this happiness?

Albeit when I visualize that

one fine day,

such things will pass away,

I find that these do not define happiness.

Life has got to be simpler.

But we all simply want more, don't we?

The Camera

2008-09-18T21:06:00.003+08:00

I clicked on this shutter,

and my image froze.

A brand new beginning,

it is a heavy dose.

The tape plays on,

and I watch it go.

A sea of colours moving past,

as they amused me so.

I visited the scene of "lessons",

and it made my eyes open.

It wasn't those that made me dose,

but to be active and out-spoken.

The people, I say

have made me smile.

And however hard it is,

it should be worthwhile.

This is Campus.

Today

2008-08-12T09:53:00.002+08:00

I am so happy that I get to wake up slightly later today and not the usual 5.30.
The weather's kind of gloomy today, but I feel at peace, unusually.
I am looking forward to work, although today will be a long day- from 12oo to 2300.
What's exciting will be, going down to market street to work with a whole new lot of company this afternoon!
Well, I am quite nervous, afraid of breaking the ice here and there etc. but, I really am looking forward to the experience! =D

School's almost starting and fear seems to be more vivid in my mind.
Coping and paying are my greatest uncertainties.
Also, my deceitful heart can be a great enemy.

I am going to trust.
And be happy.

Love, Fiona

Next step

2008-07-17T12:02:00.001+08:00

The next step is not easy.
It is harder than expected.
My mind is clouded with fear and uncertainties.
The next step is not easy.

And it hasn't even begun.

Who's Me?

2008-06-15T23:11:00.002+08:00

These waters never fail to flow incessantly down those hot, flustered cheeks.
These days, have not been one of the best.

Everything is not going well.

How do I find that me, who delights in all that I do?
I am faithless.
I am weak.
I am powerless.
I need your POWER to REST on ME!

Everything is painful.

I never thought working would be so displeasing.
Even at work, I am faced with challenges and stumbling blocks that tear me apart.
They make me question myself, me.

I never thought the me at home builds a fortress around myself.
Everyday at home just makes me indignant, and sucked.
I want my space; my comfort zone.

I never thought moving on was so tedious.
Letting go of some pasts seems entirely harder than removing superglue from my fingers.
And what's ahead, just remains clearly bleak, and aimless; completely unpredictable.
But one thing I know, it is not going to be easy.

Lift your head high, walk on. Do not fear.
Remember that Faith. Just that little bit.
Rely.

The Unpredictable

2008-06-08T22:40:00.002+08:00

I am writing my book of life, not knowing how to pen the next line.
And the effort to secrete more brain juices to find out the solution just erupts my tear ducts.
This portion of my book certainly isn't the most exciting; neither its climax.
It is, instead, the most mundane scene.
One that perhaps is full of dialogues, thoughts, and repetitive events which is followed by a myriad of questions that remain unanswered.

I don't know how to quit these feelings.
I don't know how not to worry.
I may not even know how to move on.

I am waiting for the true author to tell me how to write on.

where is the faith?!

Never knew I could feel like this

2008-05-29T23:51:00.002+08:00

It's this sudden surge of emotions that are smoldering me all of a sudden.
I really don't understand why.

And I guess it's because of all thats happening right beneath my tiny eyes now-
family, people, my relationships.

Facing up with disappointments, mundaneness of life, faithlessness, lost of the fellowship, goals to achieve and internal eruptions, has brought me to a stage now- where deeply inside, I yell so hard.
I keep screaming within me,

"Oh God, Show me!!!"

I am leading a life (or don't we all) that drunkenness can't redeem me from the pain and toils I experience, as much as I long to gulp down that spirit of "temporary memory loss".

With mistakes we have made, how do we feel worthy enough to receive that boundless mercy?

I want to see, feel, experience and exude Your love.

Sometimes, the sadness intensifies till I desire to rip my robe and weep in it.

CHANGE

2008-05-18T22:35:00.000+08:00

I think things are working out in my small group.
I am really happy.

Do I trust?

2008-05-16T23:56:00.002+08:00

My pulse-rate is increasing every second.
I don't know what's going on.
Tell me.

Where is the REASON?

2008-05-14T22:07:00.003+08:00

I have never seen such a huge discourager, but you.
I mean, so what if he scored 19/25 for English?
Maybe it just isn't his thing? But you made it my fault and his lack of practice.
"This is horrible", "You should've gotten full marks.", "how can you forget 8 x 7?" ETC.
These are words of utter disdain to me, let alone to HIM.
You just made him lose all dignity left to be proud of his 90/100 score for Math.
Is the all-band-one criteria that necessary?

Indeed, you have made him a step closer, to being an insecure, worldly minded geek.
I am hurt for him.
Powerless.

Trying Times

2008-05-12T23:11:00.002+08:00

These times have come,
when my heart screams and shivers,
and my stomach lurches,
when I feel that my insides are adapting.

These times have come,
when my mind is a thick mist,
in which life just leaves me clueless,
and every step I make is uncertain.

I know those times will come,
when I am completely renewed,
as hope is slowly found,
and my faith, growing into a tiny mustard seed.

Fight on, surrendering.

I ask for prayers: 1. Relationship with my mom, 2. My finances- bank loans and my job. I need direction!!, 3. Let my light shine; that in all that i do, I do it God's way.

More Than Words

2008-04-21T00:48:00.000+08:00

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

Exactly.

Moved

2008-04-16T23:32:00.003+08:00

It has been a long time since I sympathized with someone.
And today, you moved me.
I do not see you now as someone who is all messed up and shallow, but instead as a broken soul; lost and so trapped.
I know you want to fight for a life to live for, but perhaps you do not know how.
I thought that crazy you was just craziness alone; little did i know, it was just a cover-up for that emptiness within.
Despite knowing, I do not know how to encourage you, or strengthen you.
All i could do, is perhaps to just give you my silent support and make you smile.

I wish I could let you see the greatest lover in all universe, God- that you may feel that love.

The Absence

2008-04-06T00:22:00.003+08:00

Great Expectations are inevitable.
From me.
I thought it just comes naturally,
it was possible between us,
not demanding.

Wavering feelings are unacceptable.
From you.
Tell me everything,
make it clear always-
like filling ink on a white piece of paper.

Infallible trust.
I keep that.
Treasure it?

This Ruined Day

2008-03-28T23:48:00.002+08:00

Yes, to me, you both are wearing a mask.
Both of you do not quarrel because you agree on everything both of you do.
Sorry, I'm just different.
I know I am not perfect, and I know my contributions are few.
But, you think that I think I am perfect.
That is your weapon against me.
Sorry, I can't make my point clear.
And, I can't bring myself to use words of affection.

I don't know how to make things right with you.

Rolled Eyes

2008-03-28T00:28:00.002+08:00

I never knew there was such a thing,
that could ring like a hollow bell, "ding, ding, ding".
Do not wear that mask,
and yet try too hard to attempt that task.
I couldn't stand every time you "huff".
Or wait, was that a "puff"?

Meeewwww

Sanity

2008-03-10T00:55:00.002+08:00

Aristotle says: To perceive is to suffer.
My perceptions have indeed burdened me, and I just want to surrender all.
I will not see from my own eyes, but the eyes of my maker.
Any amount of misery is casted away, and laid before my Lord.
The path ahead is not paved by my own feet but I am guided by Him.

Aristotle also says: Hope is a waking dream.
Yes, I see this waking dream. This is amazing.

Who cares about the bad that has happened?
I'll laugh it off. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Memory

2008-03-03T20:18:00.004+08:00

Nothing stands out so conspicuously, or remains so firmly fixed in the memory, as something which you have blundered.

-Cicero

The filmstrips of regret, the countless mistakes run in my mind like a movie.
Don't we all make mistakes and remember them? Thats when we learn and never repeat them again.
But yet,

I think it is a matter of love;the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is.

Vladimir Nabokov

What if, the mistake you made, happens to be a memory you love?

Remember the right scenes, and move on with faith.

I am Happy

2008-02-28T22:45:00.002+08:00

Finally, I am Happy, after a long time.
I start learning to treasure the other things that are around me, and I want to stick close to them.

Hey lovely!
It was just brilliant passing time with you.
And although you were down with a cold, you still met me!
I don't know, but some nerve in our heads just connected instantly!
I am so glad to be a part of your life.
And I need you in mine too, so badly. =)

Hey another lovely!
You didn't know how much you made my day yesterday did you?
Well, you did! So much!
I am so glad digging that deep into the pits with you.
And I am so glad just knowing you even more, cos now I know, I can turn to you also. =)
Thank You.

* * * * *

Dear You,

So many times, I want to type it out in a text message and send it to you- all the hurt in my heart, the countless unhappiness and unfairness I feel towards you that you do not understand.
But, I am so relieved I held back.
Cos I know now, that this move wouldn't help me and certainly not you.
And just so you know, I so badly want you to shine, to be His servant who glorifies Him.
And just so you know, I want to erase that hurt, erase that mistake and be right.
I am praying countlessly for you.

Earnest wishes,
Fiona.

Retaliation

2008-02-26T21:50:00.002+08:00

When we are struck at without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should- so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again.

-Jane Eyre

It is brewing in the heart, but will not come out.
Just forgetting.

Christ in me, I in Christ

2008-02-25T20:25:00.002+08:00

I may not do it well,
not immediately
but I've made my first step.
and I'm moving on.

Fear engulfs me,
and Satan whispers,
"turn back, don't forget!"
No, do not listen.

One word is now taboo,
that very one name.
The one that rewinds all memories,
making me insane.

Everything starts brand new,
to get that small faith.
Wanting to love my everything,
find that friend again.

"For He holds the whole body together with its joints and ligaments, and it grows as God nourishes it."

RECUPERATION

2008-02-22T00:28:00.002+08:00

When doctors heal patients, they do not exactly find the answer to the cure, but instead heal by a series of examinations and treatments, to arrive at a stage where the patient starts to show good signs of recuperating.... and then the patient finally recovers.

Yea, that's how my wounds are healing i guess.

But the battle is ongoing, and my heart is heavy. I need a sign, the sign that could give me hope and act as my shield, so that i could keep on going...

Don't give me fluctuating signs.

Shattered

2008-02-20T20:15:00.001+08:00

i don't know.
I'm weakened.
I'm bleeding.
Someone save this injured warrior.

I realise...

2008-02-20T00:25:00.004+08:00

Matthew 3:13b-15
"But one thing I do:Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward that goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Oh, I see. I focus on what is ahead-my destination, my goal which is heaven and not on what is past and gone. I do not brood over regrets and unhappiness.

"All of us who are mature should take such a view of things."
Uh oh, thats me being immature!

"And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."
Yes God, I see it working in me.

I shall move on, focusing heavenward. It is working, Father. You are indeed working in me and the thick, impermeable mist has finally gave way and I see that faith you want me to have.

same

2008-02-17T23:56:00.000+08:00

The cuts on you cut me too.

emotions

2008-02-16T23:55:00.003+08:00

You are dead, but your soul has never left.
I do not see you, but I feel you- the you that engulfs my breath; I feel like I am dying.
I could walk past every street, listen to every song and they all spell your name.
I hate the letters you send every spring, summer, autumn and winter-
they make me chase after an invisible you, but yet present feeling.
When will the last letter come? the one that tells me to move ahead?
P.S. I love you.-
How can I read this in every letter but only to realise that you are dead?
I often laugh at how absurd it is to be drowned in love; but yet I am confounded by the stupid me who speaks of and recalls endlessly, the obscure you.
My quiescent mind numbs my breathlessness, but my bounded body struggles to fly away.

hahaha! how funny.

vow

2008-02-15T00:19:00.004+08:00

You see, I got a ring and engraved "FAITH" on it, put it on my ring finger and now, it is my wedding band- a vow made fpr every step I make in my life.
A prayer, a cup of raspberry vodka and jacob's high fibre biscuit was what i used as my communion.
My ceremony was complete and I now move on, surrendered with a reminder on my finger.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Faith

2008-01-23T20:28:00.000+08:00

Everything that does not come from faith is sin.

I am such a sinner.
O me of little faith, give me that strength to surrender what is to come to you, Lord.
I am excited to live this life of faith, only to wake up every morning, failing to be faithful.
I don't want to only be impacted momentarily, I want to be utterly resolved- drenched with the knowing of Your love, and full of believe that my cup if filled with your promises, that every step I take is a footprint of fulfillment.

I want to do my best, so that I can allow you to do the rest.

Sigh

2008-01-10T20:34:00.000+08:00

I am an artist at living- my work of art is my life.

My palette is broken, i've run out of colours and my brush has hardened.
How am I going to re-paint this picture that has been hung up on the wall for me to see?
So much for changing this life.
I'm tired of the changing perspectives that i ought to possess- those "think positive" kind of technique.
The fact is, you are no longer my father.
So clearly stated in the papers you've signed, you have chosen to break away.
But your blood runs through my veins!
I thought I've gotten my mind off you since you walked away 6 years ago.
But, this reality has crumpled my mind, and every neurone just twitches with the thought of you gone.
My nerve impulses are inconsistent, I can't accept it.
I am sad!

Perhaps,

inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flicking, but
my smile still stays on.

Drive your taxi and perhaps i'll hitch your ride one day.

for once

2008-01-09T00:08:00.000+08:00

for once, L, I see how you may be hurt and I truly sympathize.
I understand your emotional trauma and perhaps, am glad I am learning from your plight.
Well, maybe you should consider, trying to live life for yourself and just be happy.
This is what I am striving to do too.

for once, L, I see you vulnerable and realise , how I am weak in my emotions as well.
well, I am learning to stand tall and think well.

L, it won't go away just in a snap. But brave through this stormy season, and it will be okay.
I am braving through it too. The storm will pass over.

L, if someone is going to feel lesser, do not blame yourself for feeling much more. Just live this life for yourself, and move on.

move on, for myself.

hatred

2008-01-07T23:05:00.000+08:00

you've pierced me with the rusted nail you've held in your hands thus long.
yet, you appear in front me, clean and without blemish.
I do not understand.
I can't hold on.

My blood boils with detest of you now.
__ ____ ___ ___ ____ ________.

Without you

2008-01-06T23:32:00.000+08:00

I went out with a company of three today,
that made 4 of us.
We roamed the streets all day,
and we didn't even fuss.

In fact the fun I got,
was over the moon,
and what not.
I forgot utterly of my struggles so soon.

I think the time was cool,
and it wasn't that bad without you.
I couldn't be such a fool,
to mull over just you.

Come back.

the job is a mist of fog that i can't predict.
clueless, frightened.

messed

2007-12-27T22:43:00.000+08:00

Shouldn't have done it the reflex way.
Shouldn't have made that move.

Completely messed up.
Completely clueless how to savage it.

God help!

Christmas

2007-12-25T23:41:00.000+08:00

Like the strings of a cello being played, my heart feels a tingling vibrato that makes me shiver.
And the mellow drone of the instrument is exuded- heart wrenching, teary, yet full of passion.
"I can't believe it actually happened, and I am celebrating?"
The music is only heard by my very own eardrums, while I savour the delicious roast beef, the once in a blue moon Virginia ham and drink my sparkling juice laid before me in this splendid, in what we call, "christmas" setting.

I hear the sound of Via Dolorosa, the road down Calvary, even during his birthday!
He, borned to die?
It must have been a joke.
It can't be true.
I'd declare a loud "HAHA".

But reality speaks, and tells me, how true it was.
The Christmas tree, all shiny and colourful- a mark of the tree he was nailed upon.
Embedded in all the joy we bask in, lies the very mark of nobility, of love that no one could imitate.

I shiver, because I sinned today.
Such an unworthy sinner as I, has received the greatest gift, more than what's under my Christmas tree.

"Appreciate it, Fiona!"

dunno

2007-12-19T00:58:00.000+08:00

open your eyes big enough to see.
see that everything is beautiful.
beautiful things fly pass me.
me, who does not see them all.
all that fills me is confusion.
confusion that tear me down.
down to the very nerve in me.
me who sees reality,
reality translated into sighs.

it's painful.
please rewind.

the tape that has played for ages,
music that has drifted by,
are filmstrips that can't be unwound,
the story i can't rewind.
It won't be just washing off my memory,
but starting on a fresh page.
buy me new parchment,
i need new ink.
Press refresh, now.

it's difficult.
factors aplenty.

just bear with it
and then overcome.
nothing is too hard,
faithfulness does not cease.
Lift this head up high,
keep smiling.....
keep smiling.....

even when things turn out unexpectedly...

Back from Batam

2007-12-17T15:19:00.000+08:00

This is day 1 of clean shower, with clean water.
The water from my tap has never been so transparent since 4 days ago....

It was yellowish, like drain water.
You'd wonder if it's rust or simply dirt and algae.
I didn't know what made it so impure, but i showered in it anyway.
What could you expected from a Sijori Resort in Batam anyway huh?

But I do not complain....

For the little kids at Batesda orphanage, it's utter luxury.

The 4th of December once again

2007-12-05T00:54:00.001+08:00

Maybe, I should be on the cross instead.
Maybe, it is better this way.
Maybe, if so, I will take my sins more seriously.
Maybe, I would have already died infinite times.

If not, for HIM who died.

3 years after pledging to my saviour my love and faith, I'm still so imperfect.
If i had a chance, I would want to renew my covenant once more.
If i had a chance, I want to erase my mistakes and rewrite my story.
If i had a chance, I want to see Calvary.

I guess it is impossible, witnessing His death. But it is all too real, how life is supposed to be. Be it the narrow or the wide gate, we all know which to go, just that too many times, we choose to take the easy way, that road so wide that brings us into destruction.

Why do we know but yet not follow?

Now, I am sure the reward of the narrow path is eternal and i could almost visualise it in my mind- the feast in Heaven, the band of angels, my fellow fighters.

And there I am!

SMILING. :D

The battle is worth it. It really is.

-

2007-10-27T13:20:00.000+08:00

Do you know about the angpao, in it a little note and a paper heart is folded?

I remember it all my life.
I remember the exact words, the exact writing.
I remember that little frame of yours, with that beaming smile.
I remember the frownless face.
I remember the sincere words.
I remember the flame in your eyes, forever burning.

I believe it is God's work.
I believe God protects you.
I believe you are smiling now.

I learn that you are so strong.
I learn how precious our lives are.
I learn to treasure every step i make.
I learn to be a fighter.

David, I love you in the name of the Lord.
David, the hall of faith crowns you.

I Remember

2007-10-27T12:53:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning.
I remembered.
I remembered everything.
Everything about you.
I know nothing more can be added,
only rewound.
No matter how many regrets,
they can't be done.
I wish whatever you wrote came true,
but now, it's too late too.
That happy face,
I'll always remember,
I'll remember that brilliant you.

BAD

2007-10-06T23:15:00.000+08:00

Two tight slaps- these, you have not given for years.
And now, I am receiving them just because I'm being truthful, stating my stance?
Probably i raised my voice, making me sound rude but does that make your argument sound? Does that make you wholesomely blameless?
Well, you got angry in the first place, because all i did was, not call you earlier?
So i am supposed to understand everything you do and just stay at home 24/7 like your security guard because you say that your life is in a much dire state than mine and if i do not do so, I am SELFISH?
Tell me, how am I to comprehend this.

On a lighter note,
"It is sweet.
It is sticky.
Bake it with a ham.
What is it?
Honey baked ham!"

By Nicholas Neo (some kinda poem he created on the taxi ride home.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

To know all is to Forgive All

2007-10-04T10:43:00.000+08:00

If i knew you and you knew me-
If both of us could clearly see,
And with an inner sight divine
The meaning of your heart and mine-
I'm sure that we would differ less
And clasp our hands in friendliness;
Our thoughts would pleasantly agree
If i knew you, and you knew me.

If i knew you and you knew me,
As each one knows his own self, we
Could look each other in the face
And see therein a truer grace.
Life has so many hidden woes,
So many thorns for every rose;
The "why" of things our hearts would see,
If I knew you and you knew me.

"To Know All Is to Forgive All"-Nixon Waterman

ONCE MORE

2007-09-23T20:32:00.000+08:00

It is a Revelation I've stumped upon, God's will I suppose.
Things change, right from this point forth.
Things change.

Things just have to change no matter how difficult.
It's just a way to help me find my lover once again- My God.
Not that my lover has left me, not that he ceased loving me and not so that I didn't love him back.
But, I just didn't rely on him anymore, and when I wanted to, it was hard to be faithful.
My thoughts and emotions were consumed, consumed with something I shouldn't mull too much over, or perhaps it was sheer indulgence.

It had to stop.
And I will find my way back into LOVE.
Love is simple, yes. But only if you know how to and only if you ARE willing.

Life is just a path of mistakes and many obstacles, but it is joy because I am never alone. There is no love greater than HIS and that outwits, outplays, outlasts, and outruns any misery/suffering I bear.

HE walked the greatest road of suffering.
It was Calvary.

I am strong, because I carry HIS yoke and HIS burden. And they are all easy and light.
They ARE!

ONLY YOU

2007-07-28T14:06:00.000+08:00

I am CLINGING.
I am SURRENDERING.
I am PERSEVERING.
I am FIGHTING.
I am TRUSTING.

I must.

I will BELIEVE.
I will SMILE.
I will SUFFER, with JOY.

Only with my father, in heaven.

somebody

2007-06-03T23:36:00.000+08:00

Dear someone,

hello. if you would listen, or rather, read.
how do you do? if you would bother and sit with me to chat.
i'm pleased to meet you. if you would just HELP me.

hey someone? if you are here..
well, i just am tired.
i need a revelry, a shoulder to lean, help.
someone? i'm calling out.. i'm yelling? do you hear me?
i'm trying.
but i'm weak.
i'm still trying.
going on.

TRYING.

hey someone? on my left? right? front? back?
the sea of crowd pays no attention.

hey someone? i'm not that strong...
i'm already torn in realities of life.. all i ask for is just support.

oh well, it's okay then..
i'll go on my journey... up the hills, down slopes, along pebbled paths,through the thickets of dense forest or swarmy marshes.
At least Dad, you listen?
i know that armour you've bestowed upon me.
it's right in my cupboard.
let me go wear it.

i'll stick close to you. wearing my armour. fighting on.
it's all worth it, when it's all right.

Just me,
Fiona

picking up God's armour, to prepare for the battle.
to fear no death, no dejection. no pain.
to BE completely faithful, humble and persevering.
to run, keep running even if tired.
to know, the shield of faith protects me, the breastplate of righteousness sustains me, the sword of the spirit represents me, the belt of truth strengthens me, my ready feet empowers me,my helmet of salvation saves me.

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

pursuit of happiness

2007-05-20T20:30:00.000+08:00

To pursue, that HAPPINESS.

walking
treading
trampling
clambering
running
tossing
crawling
leaping

moving on....

letting it all go at the same time.

i know it just isn't an easy part of my life-

STUDIES
RELATIONSHIPS
SPIRITUALITY

these are very much the struggles i am going through.
i am, surviving?
well, grasping for breath.

today's a sunday, but a monday is looming.
to me, its a foreboding sign, an indication of impending torture and struggle, what not.

perservere.
i'll try to do that.

Fiona, sleep early,
and GO GO GO!
RECHARGE!

at least there is spend time with peiling to look forward to in the afternoon for spiritual food?

Father, i'm calling.

2007-04-22T20:24:00.000+08:00

FATHER, tell me what to do.

it's so difficult facing it all..................

FAITH

2007-04-15T20:32:00.000+08:00

"FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
What follows the passage is the faith of the many ancients in the bible.

If i become an ancient.... is this what will be written?

By faith, Fiona who faced failures of her life,
picked herself up. Although not knowing where it will lead her to, moved on doing her best to glorify God. And for that, God was pleased and provided her with well- deserved fruits of her labour.

By faith, Fiona struggles through times of temptation. She never stopped sharing her faith and stood up for all that was right in God's eyes.

By faith, Fiona believe that God was walking with her through troubled times.

By faith, Fiona never felt discouraged in trying times. She smiled.

By faith, Fiona places everything in her life before God, setting her priorities right.

By faith, Fiona only seeks to please God, even if it means to go against her emotions.

By faith, Fiona beats her body and makes it her slave to run the race for God. And for that, God crowned her with the glorious crown of gold.

By faith, Fiona exclaims, " i am the Lord's servant, may it be as HE has said."

I want my life this way..

I pick myself up, without a hint of fear of what will happen because i live by faith.
I beat my body, and keep my face ahead, only aiming for that heavenly reward.
I struggle, but i hold on to my Father, and i brave through.
I safeguard my soul, completely pure.
I dream, to be God's good little servant.

And when i finish my test of life, I smile.
Because i see my Father, and he smiles at me.

i love you, dad.

Too many sorries..

2007-04-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

SORRY.

perhaps this word is now void of its meaning.
because i've said it one too many times.

it happens everyday,
and Fiona wonders... why does she just have to always react in the worst way?
So many words to say..
But i just have to make the comments i make gray.

My life just isn't right.
STUDIES
PEOPLE
FAMILY
TIME
and just LIFE.

and now, my words just have to come in the way.

LORD, help me to know what to say and do.
To do them the RIGHT way.

Father, give me strength!!

HELP

2007-03-13T21:21:00.000+08:00

STRENGTH.
i need.
FOCUS.
i need.

FIGHT!!

i just need to prove it(that i am studying), right?
prove it with all the results.
but proving itself, is difficult.
when it's all so difficult.

what a tough fight.

help.

LIFE, not MY WAY

2007-02-05T11:44:00.000+08:00

i can't...
i'm so tempted to ring that bell- the "surrender" bell.
It's like an internal battle within.. that only my God and I know.
Perhaps, including Satan.

STUDIES
SPIRITUALITY
FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
CHARACTER
PRIORITIES
what not. they just overflow with things i must deal with.
Get lost Satan.

Where is that armour i was wearing?
my belt of truth? my breastplate of righteousness? my feet fitted with readiness? my shield of faith? my helmet of salvation? my sword of the spirit?
Where are they now?

Father, help me to FIGHT ON.
Father, give me STRENGTH.
Father, walk with me.
Father, show me where to go.

So much fear...
but yet, so much uncertainty.
Recurring emotions, im just sick and tired of them.

SMILE fiona.
take a little step of faith each time.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"
If my God is for me? who else can be against me?
i believe so.

To lead my life walking God's path.

To be more than conquerors...

CLUELESS

2007-01-21T20:07:00.000+08:00

OVERWHELMED
UNCERTAIN
CONFUSED
TIRED
DEJECTED

Why does it happen again and again?
all the (s'rehtom) rambles about my studies, my future and blah...
when i am TRYING!

Why do people get so paranoid?
Look, i am striving so hard to walk God's way.
Perhaps they meant well... but..

Why is life just so difficult?
MY work just makes me want to rip my brains out.
The amount of things to balance, people i have to face and chores i have to fulfill.
It's overflowing.

Why is it that i am in such a dire state of life?
Nothing seems to be working out in my studies.
IT's so difficult to be an example in church.
Being a student who shines in school isn't any easier.
Now, where is my willpower?

So much for the WHYs...
I've casted them away.
i know how pointless it is to be leading a WHY-ful life.
But yes, these thoughts just brushed pass my head, to be honest.
But hey, Fiona really is learning to be a Fighter.
Not some street-fighter fighter..
But a fighter who clothes myself on in God's armour.
=D

OPTIMISTIC
FAITHFUL
MOTIVATED
ZEALOUS
FOCUSED
DISCIPLINED
GRATEFUL

CRIES TO YOU

2007-01-20T14:05:00.000+08:00

GOD'S WILL.

it has always been in my head.
but submitting to it....
A struggle it is, to be completely resigned.
But, i am now. Resigned to Him.
I cling on to him, tighter than how i hug my bolster when asleep.

A flashback:
"do you know that you are always spaced out and blur?"
"lazy you, don't you know how precious my time is?"
"I am not like you, everything i do has to be done well and efficiently."
Perhaps it is only to her that i am this way.
Whatever she says about me, doesn't appear to be what i think about myself.
Or am i just being unaware?
What is it i have to do to show her that i care about my own life?

"Don't tell me you have no plans to go to the University at all?"
"Please, at least show your father that you can be of use even with only me supporting you."
I know! i want to show him that too!
I want to be a useful person!
I have goals!
Perhaps just invisible to your eyes...

A Penny for My Thoughts:
This road i am walking, is a winding path, paved with clods and muck. The vision is nothing but thick mist, but the destination revealed would be Paradise, i am sure.
I realise, it's all about just fighting on.
That willpower, that determination. That focus on the finishing line.
That surrendered heart, to heed GOD'S WILL.

Everyday Father, i cry out to you.
Full of pleas, full of requests for forgiveness.
You forgive me,
but my sins are repeated.
Everyday Father, i extend my hands to you.
Reaching for help, clinging on.
You save me,
again and again.
Everyday Father, I live my life for you,
Struggling, striving to be perfect like you.
You watch me,
perfecting the plan you have for me.

I Love You.

"Perfecting Holiness"

THE LIGHT

2007-01-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

"You are the light of the world- like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all to see."

Do not be afraid, O my soul.
Why are you so faithless?
Pick up the strength and fight ahead!
So what about the difficult math sums?
the chemical reactions to memorise and apply?
Do it for the Lord above!

Just look straight my soul,
persevere on and keep walking.
what is weariness when His big hand sustains me?
I am not afraid, i do not fear death.
Even my brother who faces death is kept so strong.
Let alone me?

Fiona, fight in the light.

"I surrender all... and walk the righteous way."
O lord, i keep praying.

Spiritual Eyes

2007-01-02T16:44:00.000+08:00

Looking ahead... i see it all with my HUMAN EYES:
a road of utter uncertainty..
danger lies, foreboding..
and i see a defeated soldier, me.. unable to find that courage and strength to tread another step.

But victory must come!
and i want to end that journey with elation and much more strength!

THis new year, it has started really well.. never had so much craziness in my life.. not sleeping for more than 20 hours! it was rather absurd and all, but it happened.
i think i really had time to think about the year ahead.. and think about what i am going to do about it.
Father, first of all.. I am going to walk in your footsteps. Faithfully.
i'll take your hand, and never let go.

I'll look at my life, with spritual eyes.. God, i know u have a greater plan and you are bigger than any of the forces that come against me as i try to do what's right.
i wanna do the rightest and bestest, for you...

i must conquer this year..
it's not going to be some mindless, blatant comment.
it's gonna be fulfilled. it's gonna be CONQUERED.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
- My Father's promise

Be brave Fiona, and fight!!!

"fight with me, yes.. please fight with me."
"be strong with me, my pillar of strength."

-Fiona's so grateful.

that faith, just like a mustard seed.. is enough
that courage, just an ounce... is sufficient
that strength, just like a shoulder to lean on, is worth it.
that spirit to fight, just like remembering God's promises, works wonders.
that ending, just like God's promise of Heaven, is most fulfilling.

MOVING ON

2006-12-30T12:18:00.000+08:00

Resolutions done.
Reflections made.
So am i just gonna walk on from here?
its scary.. trepidation in every step.
Petrifying.
i am not ready, not ready to put on that armour.
How am i going to do so?
Help me.

To look back, and never regret...

Moving On to 007

2006-12-20T09:48:00.000+08:00

An ounce of motivation is all i need.
to go to school next year and face that dreadful year of the Big As that is.
Or should i say i need that courage to be exact.

i found myself browsing through the archives of my blog, and discovered that my recent entries were not so much of gratitude as compared to those i wrote in the beginning of the year.

Then i asked myself, "Aren't I grateful any more?"

Truly, things have been rather discouraging of the late (before the retreat).
1. My results
2. My studies
3. How to move on

In fact, above all things, these are the things affecting me tremendously. But, i just do not know how to bring it out or rather i just chose to cast it away for the moment. But the year is ENDING, and i must face them ONCE MORE!

"a peculiar feeling though, gazing at my vicinity from the corridor of my flat, i see greenery, birds, the humongous blue sky that suspends over me. Not only that, but also the lovely fluffy clouds that float like marshmallows or cotton candy. Hey, thinking abt all these, i don't see life useless!
Its crazy how God gives us challenges in our lives, that sometimes, it really is challenging to think only of its beauty. Well, surely, even the most hideous thing has its own charm..
haha well, but the fact is that the earth and its wonderful nature is so beautiful by its own. Captivating and tranquil.
Its actually more sense that we humans are the ones pollute the beautiful earth God created. BEsides, he created nature first, didnt he?
Well, God created us because he loved us. BUt here i am, polluting it with my sins and discontentment.
Lord, father, thank you so much for the blessings you've showered me."

-Quoted from 20 February '06 Post.

i wanna think this way again...
thinking about studies, just sinks my heart.
Why can't i just be grateful and think about the day God allowed me to step into this dream college of mine?
Why can't i just have that mindset to work hard from just there?

"oh well, okay, it's like almost evryday that i get off school around 5 plus.
and its just the never ending tutorials and lectures evryday..
but im glad i am in school.
Somehow, when im tired, i just have to remind myself that I am in Meridian becos God answered my prayer and i can nvr be less thankful."

-Quoted from 30 March '06 Post

I want to have that motivated heart as before.
i want to fight on!
Help me Father, cause i am screaming for you now..
i wanna pull throught next year, feeling victorious.
As much as so much good happened the beginning of this year, now that it it's year end, i am grateful for many things too....

Chronologically...
1. MY PROMOTION.
Indeed, i've not done well, and it was bad. BUt Father, you allowed me to carry on..
Thank You.
Indeed, i've not put in much effort to buck up during the holidays, but i really wanna get that spur of energy and really fight on to do my best and do well!I want to! i MUST! i'm serious.

2. CONFLICTS.
i hated conflicts.
but now, solving them with my brothers and sisters..
it just made me love them.
The feeling of being resolved and coming out feeling as if i am lying on a cloud.
that fluffy and cool feeling.. =)

3. RETREAT.
Well, the retreat made me understand how a FAMILY really is.
And for so long, i didnt actually treat them all as my family.. setting standard for everyone.
But now, i learn so much to love, and to love for their mistakes cos that's what i get back too.
And the heart to heart talks were amazing.
It made me understand haha, brothers much more. And i love them still all the same!

4. SKIT.
This skit, brought us all together.

5. DATES.
Thank you shawn seet for arranging the dates. hee hee.
Dates- christian fellowship as what my mom always defines really allows me to learn to be encouraging and at the same time be encouraged.
And, i really was.
Thank you Elijah.
The walk in the library, discovering that book-"the history of God"(HAHA), the sharing about your life, about God, the way you encourage me and spur me on, the openess, the humility and giving heart, the awesome carl's junior dinner, the yummy wonka bars and wonka's sourlicious candy, that beautiful sunflower, the movie trip, how you patiently explained the movie to me..
oh man, great job. i am so grateful. =D

Lastly, I am grateful Father, that you give me a chance to start another year.. i know it's gonna be tough, but isnt it a new beginning? a new chance, new resolutions.
Like what lubin says," The first day of the rest of your life."
it really would be the first, the genesis of the rest of my life as 07 sparks off.

It will be amazing.

*this is to Jacinda, and EJ at e moment who complained that they'll dread the coming of school term. and to all who feels the same..

RockIt~

2006-12-05T17:49:00.000+08:00

it's gonna be a fairly long post i guess....

it all started with uncertainty and reluctance.
1. arrival at woodlands MRT

i see the familiar faces, but my heart just didn't tell me to smile and be happy.
i greeted them all. it was sweet with all the good mornings and hugs.
my mood was lifted slightly.
The bus ride was fun and funny and the journey was a breeze, not much encounters to be exact just plain ol' fun.
But, the pit of my heart was still soiled.
i would say, it was a premonition of impending conflicts and unhappiness.
i was charged NEGATIVE (-)

2. Finally at Garden City estate.
Charming!
i was in love with the place.

3. Down to the field for games.
before that, we were sorted into groups.
Martin, Fiona, Lorinda, Erica, Sharon, Benjamin and Brian.
Yay~
here's our cheer:
" Flinstones, we're the Flinstones. We're the happy rocking family. Come out! try and smash us! We will blast you all to smithereens!"
by the way, it was COMPOSED.
and by the way, we were called FLINSTONES! lol
the games were awesome, how awesome?
just try stuffing biscuits in ur mouth and reciting tongue twisters at the same time. haha
tt stupidity was fun.
Then we had water games.. and some awesome game in which you had to put your nose, even ears on the ground..! It was hilarious seeing everyone desperately wanting to win..

3. Next day was A famosa.
How fun can it get but more water fun!
woo~ a BLAST! indeed. =)
i floated around... slid around.. and swam around.. haha.

At this point.. my heart was still soiled i guess.... but i casted it away. I gulped more water, and suppressed it.

4. Old folks home and evangelism.
The most enlightening day.
never thought i would get so emotional looking at the elderly, feeling tt moment of longing and sadness. farewell, couldnt be tt bad. but it was. especially, at the thought of not being able to return there. byebye ah ma!~

but yet, on this day...
tt supression was detected.. and i had to sort my feelings out.
it was emotional.
but it was awesome.
it was like quenching my thirst after being in the desert for months.

5.The parting.
bye melaka..
it was all a memory now..
but all in all, just one word. AWESOME.
if u ask me, how did it go?
i would answer: AMAZING.
the best fun.. and the most enlightening.
i was touched.. i was cut.. and i was refreshed.

and what's more? the next day was my spiritual birthday just after retreat!
my yr, was summed up so well.
so much lessons learnt and having grown so much.
i look back, ready to march forward.
Let's go father!

LEt's move on to yesterday... or even the journey back home.
fiona has been pondering about her second year as a christian, with an anarchy of emotions about this beautiful day.
but thn, it was a pleasant surprise...
truly.
thanks for the sharing on the bus.
really thanks all of you.
i am just so GRATEFUL. so so GRATEFUL.

i thot that was enough.. really enough.
till yesterday.
it was greater surprise..
well, all... it's okay it didnt really turn out a surprise.. but what's more was all of you, being there.
it was a great time.
and it was like family.
our family, although not connected by blood..
is bound by us, with a common goal.. walking tt common path- up to heaven.
and i realised how valuable it is, to be with all of you.
That its not just a company..
but a connection.. and bond..
it's one love.
ok, not to make me emotional anymore.
but it was just the best thing tt has happened. truly, the best.
and it's truly enough!

ok... something really nice, that keeps me going on is this song:

King of my life, i crown thee now, thine shall the glory be;
lest i forget thy thorn-crowned brow, lead me to calvary.

Lest i forget Gethsemene; lest i forget thine agony.
Lest i forget thy love for me, lead me to calvary.

Show me the tomb where thou wast laid, tenderly mourned and wept;
Angels in robes of light arrayed, guarded thee whilst thou slept.

Lest i forget Gethsemene; lest i forget thine agony.
Lest i forget thy love for me, lead me to calvary.

Let me like mary through the gloom, Come with a gift to thee;
Show to me now the empty tomb, lead me to calvary.

Lest i forget Gethsemene; lest i forget thine agony.
Lest i forget thy love for me, lead me to calvary.

May i be willing, lord, to bear daily my cross for thee;
even thy cup of grief to share, thou hast borne all for me.

Lest i forget Gethsemene; lest i forget thine agony.
Lest i forget thy love for me, lead me to calvary.

"father, if anytime i forget your love, your suffering, my salvation... lead me to the cross."

love, Fiona

The year ends soon...

2006-11-27T10:50:00.000+08:00

someone pinch me.
i can't believe my whatever.
the year is just ending.
and we all begin again. 2007.
it scares me.
i know it's not even december, but im feeling it already. the feeling's somewhat foreboding.
i wish it would not come.
but it's nature, to move forward isnt it?
no one grows from old to young. that would be absurd.

but anyway..
Uncle takeshi was amazing.
and i look up to him.
What he said, made me deeply consider how i want my life ahead to be.

What is my conviction?
i just gotta know. it has to be obvious.
What is being grateful?
i really gotta learn to appreciate people.

things have been bugging me lately. be it personally, relationships, sprituality, and my life ahead.
everything somehow affects me lately as i become much unoccupied..
but i set my heart, to mke the best out of evrything.
and it's true how it can be so difficult to deny myself, to focus on what's most important..

well, on thursday, i'll be off to melaka for 4 days.
and, i wanna mke sure, i return refreshed leaving great memories behind and of cos, fufilled.
well, this trip to melaka, is certainly not just a holiday trip but my very own teens retreat and mission trip.
it's God's plan, it's awesome.
It's my father, using me, to mke a difference.
And, i knw.. i gotta be humble.
but hey! im looking forward to it! i really am!~ =D

"well done, good and faithful servant!"

Xin Long

2006-11-18T11:57:00.000+08:00

Well, i would like to share something that touched my heart so much, some time ago.

A boy, or should i say, a young man, called Xin Long.
On that day, Larre instructed,"Fiona, just look out for Xin Long", pointing at his name on the list.
i nodded. rather chirpy at that moment as i couldn't wait to see him.
i ran into the classroom, every child in there was wheelchair bound, all struck with a particular illness- Cerebral Palsy.
Well, some are still able to walk, even utter a few sounds while others just stay buckled on the chairs in an awkward position staring into blank space.
I searched for Xin long, calling out for him, at the same time hoping that he would be one that suffered from mild cerebral palsy so at least it won't be too hard for me to handle, but i guess i was wrong...

There was Xin Long, all scrawny and pale, his bones protruded beneath his skin. He looked like a man, at least my age, no doubt.. but he whinned like a baby, he couldn't even utter a decent word. All he did was groan, grunt, snort and produced burping sounds, but it was natural for him. i was flabbergasted. so, i asked his helper his age, his condition- he was 18 and he suffered from rather severe cerebral palsy. my heart cried for him when i heard that.

As i fed him his tea, i had to tear a small part of the bread, dip it into milo, before putting it into his mouth as he couldn't chew at all. My hands trembled, really, they did. He felt like a glass figurine, too delicate to even stroke lest he might break. That was him.

He wore diapers, not to scare you. And he drools, constantly. And, that really was him. is he human? or a man at all? YES! YES! but his behaviour.....?

well, it certainly looked frightening, or in other words, abnormal.
but my heart, literally melted for him.
i played with him, i danced with him.
i sang for him, he smiled.
to this person, is everything i would do to a kid, in fact, even more.

at the end of the day, he sulked when i left, and his form of showing gratitude was a wide smile, baring all his teeth and his eyes could not be seen at all.
it was just sweet.
i would almost fall in love with him!
who cares about what he is?
but he feels! and that is what matters!

i miss him.
That boy, Xin Long.

well, i guess God created him, to make me realise, how love can be so unconditional, and the position of leading a life so different that it could be even hard to love. Xin Long, he humbled me. He showed me purity, helplessness and the battle of fighting to live. Amazing.

OVER

2006-10-12T11:39:00.000+08:00

phew.~ a sigh of relief.
its OVER. all DONE.

but well,
my computer's down.
so i'm actually blogging on my school library's computer.
it's relief.. but stress still.

my project work...
oh man..

my CCA for school open house....
it just kills me with all thats going on now.

someone, give me a bubble bath now.
i need a bathtub with some aromatherapy soap beads.
filled up with warm water.
and i am gonna soak myself in this warm revelry for hours!

a SPA should do fine.

or a massage?

just something to loosen my skin is all i need.
my eye bags have not vanished and i still look bruised on the eye.
perhaps its the trepidation about the results..
i pray really hard!!!

anyway, i still tread along this road of life..
really walking on with faith..

p.s. if anyone has knowledge about the Arts, with some inspiration about how we can sustain it.. please, DO TELL ME!!!! =) zillions of thanks from here.

S.C.R.E.W.E.D

2006-09-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

" I am so SCREWED."
that's what jun zhi said to mutter when i fail to keep up.
hypnotism or not, indeed, Fiona's SCREWED.
the days left can be counted by my bare hands.
it brings trepidation to my soul.

UNCERTAINTY. ANXIETY. FEAR. TREPIDATION. JITTERY. WORRY. AIMLESSNESS. DISTRESS. WEARINESS. STRESS. RUIN. DESPAIR. - are all in the list of my commonly used words. these is just a meagre portion.

Aragorn said,"I see in your eyes, the same fear that would take the heart of me.... A day may come when the courage of men fail, and we break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day.... This day, we FIGHT!"
-Words of a hero.

why not see words from my King:

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong."

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

ive been studying. sitting on the chair, changing my posture now and then.. eyes fixed on my sheets of paper.
but i feel like a snail.
so worn out, and so slow.
but unlike a snail, i dread my pace. ( i am sure a snail enjoys being slow, personal contentment isnt it)

Father, bring me through... for i only seek your help.
you are my armour, my all.
Fiona, be strong and courageous.

QUIT IT.

2006-09-21T20:32:00.000+08:00

" I want you to know, you are rude and you are self righteous. It's good to be zealous but not cynical if you think that person is wrong. Go and think about it."

so thats me.
all because i told you abt not eating the chocolate in YOUR fridge.
i will say no more.

if thats what you think about me.

OK.
i'll relent. i will.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

its smouldering.
she feels as if she was sucked into a vacuum sack.
days are shorter for her.
she could cry a sackful of tears.
no clothe could sustain the hot tears that trickle down.
cos they burn.
rip her own hair off. yes, deprivation to this extent.
but she has got to continue.

persevere on, even at the last breathe. win.

HELP

2006-09-13T18:30:00.000+08:00

O someone, help!
There is no time to lose, and up the mountain i must climb.
But i see no where, just an empty road.
I try, but i am walking with no avail.
I've not met the enemy,
I've not reached the destination.
But every step i take,
it is just nearer.
But am i at all equipped? am i at all prepared?
O dear God, help me.
in distress i walk,
so weak, so lost...
its a battle i must win.
But i don't seem an inch more courageous
nor prepared.
I MUST CONQUER!

help.

just barely 18 days. and it's the promos.
it was not but 30 days i thought. and now with the blink of my eye.. im down to 18!
and only 18!
Its not good... an ominous sign, foreboding.
but its victory i must clinch. It has got to be victory!!

Fight on Fiona, fight hard.. fight hard with your Armour.

free

2006-09-07T19:30:00.000+08:00

Captured.
but innocent and pure;
clean.
your white feathers,
never stained.
even through the roughest weathers.

they caught you,
barred from freedom.
they cut you,
your blood dripped into a bowl.
Dry,
you bled.

you were forsaken,
and I,
gloriously soaked in your agony- your stain.
That i,
emerged clean and renewed,
Red.

Free to fly,
a new dressing, a new coat.
With redness so pure,
That cleansed a germ like me.
I fly away.
Grateful.

just suddenly inspired to write one.. not perfect, but just a penny for my thoughts.
perhaps this is a dedication to EJ, one who is renewed.
Here, its for you.. :) a penny for your thoughts too.
How awesome it is, to fly away, red in His blood. That we all fly together, completely drenched in blood so red, but so free.
go TEENS!~ ahaha
oh anyway, i bid xavier goodbye as he is off to be a "better man". oh man , just wish him really the best and so much best wishes. I guess it's a part and parcel of life.. where we often bid goodbyes and say our hellos. ooh well.....

and yes, so much for studying this week.. today wasnt the best.. in fact, it was bad.. didnt do much at all.. but hey, im glad there is always a tomorrow.. *OPTIMISM* i guess that's how God gives us second chances huh. Having one day a week sure would be depressing.if that would be so, that one day surely would have to be SUNDAY! haha, oh man.. enough of dreaming....

Thank you Father, that i am the sheep of your pasture.

be yourself day

2006-08-31T22:52:00.000+08:00

sometimes, it's really good to change your mind, cos you would never knw how much fun you'll receive...

wooo hoo~ it's BE YOURSELF DAY today. what i enjoy most, is perhaps, ONLY the photo taking session. lots of dances, singing and jamming there were.. but my legs were just numbed by the sheer fact tt i had to sit through out the whole concert on e floor in such an awkward position!
but oooh well, still.. look at our smile.. ;D my beloved PW group. ARTS man ARTs! look at our rtistic talents. we just have tt artistic flair don't we?

It's just amazing how i just decided to spend my morning in college today instead of waking up late. and i sincerely apologise to kiats tt i forgot to inform her abt my attendance. oh anyway..
it was a blast... such great humour too seeing every one dress up so flamboyantly.
it was awesome going back to secondary school too.. seeing all my lovely teachers.. and indeed it's surprising to see all my old mates. it just makes my heart squeal. lol. weird word to use. but i mean. really, tts how it was.
oh well, i think that's all for the fun i ought to have. and fun ends today. It's charging into the battlefield now. and it's sending jitters down my spine. well, its not tt scary and chilly, but.. just intimidating. i wanna promote! oooh man... i knw it's all abt HARD WORK and DISCIPLINE. just gotta etch tt in my mind.
alright... so a brand new day shall start, and the sun will shine out the clearer..
Father, take my hand, and.. ChArgEEe!

that's all folks! tAa~

some misery

2006-08-19T09:37:00.000+08:00

it was all but a normal night. nothing different but just routines to attend to. She was happy, because it was friday. Friday just meant an end to five days of school and work. Friday was just brilliant.

On the car, just streaming through the empty streets of gray, passing by arrays of street lamps. Mother was driving and She took the front seat. Just ordinary conversations were exchanged. However, the conversations from ordinary ones, gradually turned intense. From an amplitude of any other kind of talking, it turned into shoutings and screamings of harshness and indignance. Both parties were vindicated, just competing to win the argument. Her mother was loud, she would never win, the verbal onslaught was just smothering.

tears, just tears trickled down her eyes. helpless, but still trying to fight back, but perhaps silence was a better tool. Indeed she made a wrong choice.. she snapped back, still crying.

Even at the doorstep, it didnt stop, perhaps the whole neighbourhood awoke from their revelries. She decided to shut up, she was losing the verbal war. almost beaten. But another word from mother, she couldnt help but answer. But unknowingly, it was the last straw for mother. the very LAST.

Her bag, the books on the table, the files came flying across her face, they were thrusted at the target, being only HER. It didnt hurt on the skin, perhaps just slightly. But internal emotions were evoked. Appalled, and unanswerable.

She cried the entire night, she prayed.
Hoping for a solution.
She wrote a letter, slipped it under mother's door.
Just wishing, this would turn out better, wishing she could be heard just a bit.
The next morning, her eyes were swollen.
It was hideous, a mark of hurt.. and uncontrolled feelings.
As much as this sounded pitiful,
she knew, God was disappointed even more.

"i wouldnt let the sun go down in anger."

TWAD

2006-08-14T00:05:00.000+08:00

look at our work of art. =)

it was through days of sweat, brain racking, time and innovation.
in the end- it was SUCCESS! =)
it was worth it.
seeing our workers beam with joy, some even shedded tears of elation, perhaps with a tinge of feeling moved.
the games were awesome, the skit was awesome, the awards were awesome, the song was awesome, and the FOOD was scrumptuous! what do u expect? its korean food!

the food is more thn what meets the eye.
thanks to some brilliant parents- auntie choi, and sharon's parents. =)

T.W.A.D- teen workers' appreciation day.
it was e best.
it was e first time in my teen ministry life tt i actually appreciated my beloved workers, who unrequitedly gave their best.
i wanna be like them.
the most serving, the most loving, and the most truthful.
but i thank the teens, for helping me make it all possible.
indeed, our rewards are e smiles we see on our discipler's face.
thanks for e time, and the effort.
my next post will be dedicated to thanking each and evryone of u. :)
i promise!
;D
well, realli, it was awesome.

mighty efforts. we are one!~

saying hi

2006-07-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

seeing this, just makes me laugh. there are more.. definitely.
and the spastic moments, seem glorious with her.
we tke pride in our actions, it is our forte- for they all mean something.
it somehow becomes how we are, feeling so comfortable with it, being so-- sophisticatedly retarded?
but i don't care, neither do i mind.
cos she walks with me to heaven.

not one, neither 2 nor 3.. but 4 of us.
we laugh..
we pose...
actions are funny...
but i, not a least bit think it's unglamourous or dumb.
pry into whats inside.
its e friendship, the fun embraced TOGETHER.
the one in black, QUEEN of Aunties u can call her.
the girl behind.. just say she 's almost one.
see whats beside? 2 spastic maidservants!!!

here, picture perfect, thats what i call.
we smile, yes..
but we cry together too.
this is love, where we care for whats inside, nth else.
where joy overflows...
with the essence of what we call sisterhood.
if life is gonna be tough, i fret not!
the four of them, they do not push me...
they take my hand, they listen, and through the swarmy marshes and pebbled paths, we look out, for one another.

if it's all but a life i lead.. it ain't easy.
when i look up, almost opening my mouth to voice a complaint, i picture God among e heavens, i shut my mouth.
when i look down, i see my feet. "yes, i can walk, run.. even cycle!"
my left, my right, around me- my love ones, my friends--- GOD'S CREATION.
i look up again, " thank you Father, for i am blessed".
i smile, i move on.
Fiona, don't despair, do not be troubled!
if it's all but a life i lead, it leads me to heaven.
not alone.
=D

i'm blessed. to conquer the PROMOS.

no!

2006-07-22T10:29:00.000+08:00

so i unwrapped the dressing on my chin.....

aHhhhh!~ part of it seemed to have split! NOoo!!!
nNOOOOoooOOOO!
nononononoNONONonononoNONO!

i hope it'll be fine. :/

2006-07-20T10:08:00.000+08:00

so it's me now huh? thanks to your friend SYING. wahaha.

1. If you could be stranded on an island with only one person, who would it be?
Jacinda. cos she would have Maria Kang with her. but, that would make 3 ppl on the island wouldnt it? ooh man! i guess i would choose kynaston? the most logical and practical person i could think of.2. Name the most disgusting thing you've ever seen someone do on Fear Factor.
eat some disgusting kinda organ or gut. if not dip there bodies into this barrel of vomit or whatsoever.
3. In real life?
hmmm. it would be seeing my sister pick up particles on the floor and eating them (even beetles) when she was young. (jacinda, i am NOT disgusting. its e wound that is!!!)
4. Poet/ArtistThat's tough. must i choose? I always believe that a poet is able to express every part of his senses in his poems, bringing out e deepest emotions that even by actions one would find it hard to express. which is amazing! whereas, for an artist, A picture paints a thousand words doesnt it? Both i would love.
5. If you had to choose, which of your five senses would you rather lose?
Perhaps smell. Then i wouldnt be able to smell those stinky rubbish and all. No way would i want to lose my sight, hearing, taste, touch. Well, even smell i would want to keep. The beauty of the senses aint it?God's gifts arent they? but if i were to choose, smell that is.6. Are you a morning person?
i'm ok with everything! i am a sleep-little person. yea, morning i love.
7. Starbucks/Coffee Bean?
Both? heeeeh.
8. What's the most expensive thing you've ever given your mom on Mother's Day?
with my artistic talent, i usually give her self-made cards made with love. ahha but well, perhaps it would some facial products.
9. Father's Day?
Think i bought a shaver once. which was ages ago.
10. Favourite seasons:
Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. Wouldnt wanna miss them! Singapore doesnt even have any. Saying singapore is summer all yr round, aint true either. its just monsoon.
11. Are you bored yet?
tts redundant.
12. Ever published something?
I'll be publishing my post in a few moments time. perhaps done some school newsletters and all.
13. Ever been skinny-dipping?
sounds funny, like something ducks do.
14. Are you superstitious?
nahh. perhaps only heed some.
15. Do you believe in true love?
oh yes.. love has gotta be true.
16. The best eye colour the opposite sex could have:
no preference. its love isnt it?
17. TV Series vs. Movies?
no preference. like both though. as i always indulge in them.
18. Celebrity crushes, if any:
Johnny Depp, Kwon Sang Woo, Hyun Bin, SUPERMAN!- brandon Routh. How about Zidane?
19. Can you type this sentence with your eyes closed?
Can i type this sentence with my eyes closed? I DID IT!
20. Now force-feed this to five people of your choice:
ivan, jasmine, gwen, Ben chew?, Manfred.

God's control

2006-07-16T22:48:00.000+08:00

this week is a stark contrast of the previous week.
i couldn't believe it. pinch me, am i dreaming?

firstly, i lost my beloved phone.. apparently someone picked it up and kept it.
How can it be that people are so deprived of integrity these days?
Don't they at all comprehend how i feel?
ok, im making a dumb remark, but these people,they really make me furious!
well, what was really dumber was tt i argued with my mom abt buying a new phone.. the selfish and greedy me, just kept insisting on getting gd phones and i ended up throwing tantrums. boy was i naughty. but im glad i realised my mistake.. and tried to amend my mistakes the way God wanted me too.
so, fiona wrote a note to her mom, apologising. =) heeeh

so right.. what could happen nxt huh? the absence of my phone was already bad enough.
what happened was just such a coincidence, i don't blame her(my classmate)..
she swung the squash racquet right at my temple.. boy, the pain was throbbing.
i thot i suffered from some concussion thn.. i was wOooZy!

apparently mental pain and physical pain was inflicted on me.. it was already disastrous..
saturday came, the day i was enthusiastically waiting for!!
Pulau Ubin devo cum fun time + my date a.k.a teens grp fellowship!
it all started pretty well.. sparked off our journey with our first devo, singing and praying.
and we rented our bike upon reaching there.
was merrily riding my bike, although with some difficulties.. but i still managed to heave on, going up slopes and all.. nearly got knocked by a van though, reckless me!

it is till i reached that SLOPE.
clueless i was to how steep and long it was..
i just rode off..
the bike accelerated, naturally.
i tried braking, recalling that i needed to brake while going down slopes.
but it was too late!
my bike has complete gone berserk, off my control!
i muttered,"gosh, oh no. oh my gosh."
and there was silence.
in my mind, i thot," ok, i'll fall."
and in a split second, *SMACK*
i fell flat on the pebbled path.
rather oblivious to what was going on, only feeling acute pain on my limbs, danny pulled me up.
blood was dripping incessantly down my chin. *phew, luckily not my braces!*
felt woozy again..
i knew it wasnt a small injury.....
using martin's towel to press on my wound, i walked back to the first aid corner where the policemen attened to me.
how comical the first aider was!
i had fun in fact! =)
but well, im truly grateful to danny and peiling, chauffeuring me all e way to changi hospital, the nearest.
at the jetty, i became the talking point of the day. all the boat uncles were expressing their concern and gave some sound advices. ahaha. how cute!

evryone was flabbergasted upon seeing my chin laceration.
it was deep! utterly!
it resembled a smaller mouth on my chin.
3 cm wide.
and worst of all, i waited 4 hrs +++ to get my stitches done.
well, perhaps that's why i had a sticker with the word "patient" on it.

anyway, it was my first time having to stitch up a wound. and im sincerely touched by the care my brothers and sisters showered upon me..
but i thot, it wasn't scary cos God was with me.
i knew God protected me, if not things could've been worst!
Thank u God for providing me with tt ounce of strength and that wonderful grp of companions who cared. =)

as much as this week wasn't the best..
i knew God had a reason for mishaps to occur, and ive definitely learnt much frm it.
i am disabled now, but ive got my shepherd to lead me through the pastures and the valley of death.
so, why would i be afraid at all? =)

memorable stuff

2006-07-09T20:32:00.000+08:00

where shld i start?? things have been so awesome for me i just feel so blessed by God.

firstly, really appreciate my mom and the teens. =) my birthday , although the 17th one was so special and memorable, and i owe it to all of you. thanks gazillions.
oh oh and also, 06S303. hee hee. indeed an amazing board u all created.. a board in which i can stare at for hours. ahaha. really sweet. =)
oh what can i say... filling me with bemusement, making me utterly oblivious to all your pranks on me. well, i forgive you GIRLS, smearing me with cream.. " I love you all" i'll say.. haha and i knw its the way you girls show how much u love me. its ALOT of love. indeed. and what's more, our superlicious supper @ CHOMP CHOMP. here my frens, a note to y'all..

Jacinda: my dear, as much as u tried to pretend u didnt knw my b'dae, i knw u would nvr forget. thanks for being my companion, my mirror, my output machine even. with you, i am a transparent sheet.. and i thank God for you in my life.
Sharon: as auntyish as u are, you have always been there for me, serving me and encouraging me. i'm touched sharon by your love for me and always showing me so much concern. and i love the times we share tgr.
Ivan: wOw my mango.. you've persevered, you gained so much knowledge and integrity , also faith to be who you are today.. and im utterly proud. brother, your humble heart, your heart of servingness, keep it going. cos it mkes u shine. thanks for always being in my life, you never fail to rmb me throughout the week, always sharing w me about your feelings and school. truly appreciate it boy!
Kynaston: well, haha, thanks to my mom you were able to hve supper w me. =) glad u were there. you've always been someone i feel so free to share evrything with. you r such a patient listener, and a logical advisor. God certainly put you in my life to mke me smile.
Elijah: =) what can i say? indeed, you never fail to add colour to my life. i'm truly happy our frenship's blossoming. you are always the easy going one.. always saying ok and always willing to give. and u r awesome, always showing how you feel. i'm indeed blessed.
Lincoln: as much as we converse minimally, i'm glad u turned up. =) im so inspired by how much you've grown.. and i truly hve to turn from you too.
Ben: we talk little too.. but i am grateful how you try to shine for God. i feel so sorry for that night, in which u took the wrong bus and all. i want u to knw, im here and i thank u for the friendship.

special note to silvia: thanks for sharing. i;m touched and grateful. may we walk together down heaven's road.
to sonia: hey.. its great having you in my life too. i love evrytime i spend with you and i love you. =)

thatt night, i learnt to eat: tzoot tzoot. lol.
and i learnt loads of games.. =) like the *diu diu* game frm ivan. ahaha. and fuzzy wuzzy! =D
reached home @ 2 am but, was not the least bit tired.
thanks guys. =)

------------- ALL FOR MY BIRTHDAY CREDITS---------

now, what inspired me today..

Wilfred shared: We are like soccer players, like how they are equipped to play on the field, we are fighting in God's battle, in this field of life.

The Armour of God. wow.
i wanna wear that.

the Belt of truth. the breastplate of righteousness. feet fitted with readiness. Shield of Faith. Helmet of Salvation. Sword of the Spirit.

it's so true how important it is to be equipped with all of these in our lives.

What Lubin shared was so true: What if i die tomorrow?
my repentance starts NOW and never is to stop.

it is just so beautiful how this armour is described. imagine, being a soldier of God. That's how i'll look like- with truth, righteousness,readiness, faith, salvation and spirit.

so here i am, i am ready to love God so much that compared to how much i love him, i hate everyone else. i want to carry my cross daily, and walk along with him. Lord, Father, take my hand.

Praying in the spirit on all occasions.

17

2006-07-05T18:33:00.000+08:00

to change things that seem hard to change, to make possible the impossible.... to love, to grow, to strengthen, to be a child of God in his image...

When i turn seventeen, i.....
1.pray to be completely dependent on God in my life and resolved.
2.pray to shine in my life as a disciple- in school, in church, in family.
3.pray to be totally humble and nvr fail to share my faith.
4.wanna grow in my friendship with people, be it in church or anywhere else.
5.pray to have a heart of a servant, to serve.
6.pray to love the people around me.
7.pray to walk closely and intimately with my father in heaven.

Turning 17, i...
1.dream to fly!
2.dream to work in God's house.
3.dream to be a news broadcaster.
4.dream to lend a hand and ear to the misfortunate around the world.
5.dream to open a chocolate factory like willy wonka's.
6.dream to be a star!
7.dream to be an angel.
8.dream to be like yo yo ma.

sounds dreamy, but they are all dreams anyway!

When i turn 17, 18, 19.... till as long as live..
i wish, pray, dream....
TO GO TO HEAVEN!

in fact one small wish here,
i want to LOVE mathematics.

also another,
to grow deeper in my relationship with my mom.

another one too,
to solve my grudges and not bear them.

somemore,
i want to see the teens ministry grow and mke it grow as well.

ok.. they are somewhat all my real wishes when i turn 17, so don't laugh!! instead, i ask for prayers.. thanks. =) ahaha.

end of papers

2006-07-03T22:21:00.000+08:00

"A man of many companions may come to ruin , but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Well, just to mark the end of my mid yr exams, i would like to share how i fruitfully commemorated that wonderful day. in fact, my weekend was tremendously splendid! well, it wasnt only the weekends though, the whole week through my exams were, well.. accompanied by God. =) personally, i truly look forward to seeing christians throughout e week and of cos going to church. so it always dampens my spirits a little when i have to go to school for the whole week without seeing thm till friday night and sunday.
oooh well... but tables turned for e past week...

Wednesday at 0900: Fiona went to church rooftop to cram for biology paper. The paper was in the afternnoon at 1, so she apparently had a fair bit of time to study it all in. admidst that pressurising time cramming all the information in, *poof* sharon called and sweetly asked if Fiona wanted lunch. She listened to her stomach, noticed that the gastric juice was creating a tremendous tsunami in her stomach and fervently agreed for lunch to be sent. the awesome sharon, gladly brought food to fiona. how sweet! =) it was around 1200 when she arrived. Fiona hastily gobbled up my food, as she had to catch the bus to get to school lest she'll be late! so off she went..

Wednesday at 1600: Biology paper was over. only one more to go! Chinese. =) so i headed off to church where its my only place of revelry.. i was amazed how calm i was doing the paper. despite not completing it, i felt as if God was holding my hand and wiping the sweat off my brow. =) hee hee. i was sure he was doing tt. okay, opened the doors to temasek rm and tadaaa! familiar faces! shawn seet and andrew. =) a surge of warmth inside me. not long after, my dear jacinda arrived and we studied. we did. =) studied all the way till around 9pm with the company of dearest wai cheng. it indeed was a "happy-study session" tt night. =D I name that Wednesday: Wonderfully wise Wednesday

thursday: Chinese paper and bye to the mid years. *laughs out merrily* i was elated! Utterly thrilled! so Fiona pranced off to cityhall, having planned to meet 3 awesome sisters- Viktoria(from texas), Gwen and Sera. it was really cute how it all went. had lunch.. and we well, planned to go to the Coffee Connoisseur to spend tme after the lunch.. but when we reached the mrt, viktoria suddenly said, "have a great time u guys!", smiling. i was stunned. so were sera and gwen, could sense question marks emerging from their little heads. ahaha. a miscommunication indeed. well, so viktoria had to leave as she had plans. she thot we just were supposed to have lunch tgr.. but anyway... there were still the 3 of us. =) to TCC i went... looking forward to hanging out with these 2. ahaha. one thing, the ambience was fantastic and the company just topped it all. =) we really chatted.. loads. till gwen had to leave. not wanting to go home, I spent the rest of the time with sera at borders! =) we walked and talked. spoke abt things we similarly face.. talked about challenges in life and issues we just never touched on before. i was amazed, and i completely treasured that time cos it was time that was missed for so long.... i name thursday: Totally Tremendous Thursday.

First, a question, are you tired reading it? oh too bad for u, cos im enjoying myself here.. heeh.

Friday: was bored at home, no schoool. but, i had plans, i certainly had. =) A trip to Waicheng's office! it was silvia, jacinda and i.. we ran an errand for her.. was a great errand- A trip to Caldecott Hill-Mediacorp. well, had to get some props for her shooting the next day. frankly, mediacorp isnt tt fantastic at all, was totally run down.. and mundane. couldnt believe tt interesting stuff actually come frm there. BEst thing was, Danny's office was beside waicheng's so we had lots of popping by. =) thn, it was midweek in the evening. yipeee! familiar faces again! how splendid. =D so friday was : Friday Frenzy Full of Fantastic Fun with Friends.

Saturday: nth much, but it was movie weekend! went to watch Just my Luck with felicia samantha and jacinda. =) sat at e front row, straining our necks while watching.. but it was still enjoyable. i was so glad i went out with thm esp samantha. =) cos it was a once in a blue moon thing. heeeeh. thn off to ahma hse. i named tt saturday: superb Saturday.

Sunday: the best day of the week. The day in which God relaxes and hears us sing to him. with the splendid sermon about Love. How to love, i always wonder. or what's the right way to Love? well, indeed, Love is a many splendid things, love lifts us up where we belong. and most importantly, God is love. Loving... gosh ok, i'll blog next time abt love. if i go on, it'll mke another blog. heeh. The events of tt day was called: Sunday Spirit! =)

how amazing God works in my life, where i can see people in my very own family everyday. What's most amazing.. God walks with me forever. there are indeed many things experienced throughout my days and weeks.. but these moments, are something, never to miss and always worth to share... =D

"How can i repay the Lord for all his goodness to me? I will life up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord. "
"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you."

Praise the Lord!

therapy

2006-06-26T08:24:00.000+08:00

i'll keep this close to my heart:

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?"
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
(Extracted from Romans 8:31-39)

HEEEELLLLLPPPP! i see the enemy just right before me approaching from the other end of the battle field. turn back? i cant.. all i can do is stand firm and fight, with all that i have in my hands now. But if it leads me to victory to glorify my Lord.. shouldnt i fight all the way even more?

to conquer the exams!with my Father's shofar.

a note to my Heavenly Father

2006-06-12T09:55:00.000+08:00

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

Dear heavenly Father,

Good morning! =D
O dad i believe it's all sunny and fresh up there in heaven.. i guess the host of angels must be singing some early morning chorals now.. =)
well, i woke up this morning, first tossing around in bed, wondering what am i going to do today. i know that i would have to study.. but i just don't know where to do so and how to start... Lord, please, help to to set my mind focus on what i should do, to be disciplined and to also have that ounce of strength to study...
Lord, time really flies.. it's gonna be the exams soon.. and that's my worry now. Lord, i pray so much not to worry and Lord, i want to do my best for you.. Whatever it is, i want to do my best, to glorify you above on high.
Papa, i love you.
And i know your love for me is more abundant than infinity.

Just me,
Fiona

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is God's love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:11-12

=D

2006-06-10T17:21:00.000+08:00

"the best expression of love is time."
indeed.
for the past week..
i was burdened with the fact that i was weighed down with so many things to accomplish.
further discouraged by some discord i had with my mom- with her ranting and scolding.
i was hurt.
However, i didn't fathom how to exactly deal with it until i revisited 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
Well, i guess i should've understood my mom's burden and work hard to be a help to her, her listening ear, and a friend.
it wasn't easy hearing her lash out her problem with all the criticisms.. cos it made me indignant as well.. but i guess im trying to take it well..
and well, also, mking sure that i spend ample time with her.
It wasn't easy understanding her struggles but i realised it made me feel like a confidante, which was sweet somehow.
indeed so, spending more time with her throughout this week, made things so much better. I guess, giving time, truly is a way to express love.

not pretty diamonds or heaps of gifts,
but just time, and small sacrifices
expresses love utterly.
just like what my dad did,
a huge sacrifice, he paid for me..
to save me from the dungeons of hell,
saving me a room in eternity.

alright all, i'm happy now. i hve truly learnt loads from my setbacks and am happy to move on. =)

- - -

2006-06-02T22:56:00.000+08:00

don't ask me to smile, cos im so not in the mood to.
not even a grin, a chuckle, let alone a laugh.

im sorry.
tts all i can say to all of u whom i offended.
im grateful for your forgiveness.
but can't u see?
im completely weighed down! i'm stuck in my path!
if it was satan's pleasure, to burden me so greatly today, so be it.
all i can say is tt im utterly worn.
its too many roles to play for a day, in fact, a night.
i can't help but to cry out..
my aimlessness, my note of distress, forlorn.
all i ask for, is help.
just be there O my dear dad.
stand by me.
pick my up.
dust my knees.
and carry me.
i seek ur favour, i seek for strength.
i've burdened one to many people this night..
and my own sack isnt lightened.
for no one would be tolerant with my outrageous emotions now, except you.
no one,
but you.

thoughts

2006-05-28T21:16:00.000+08:00

okay.. no fancy msg or creatively crafted posts today..
but i just wanna pen how i feel and all for the pass weeks.. =)

ok, its no more miss whitey smile anymore.. but miss bracey face.
i just had my braces on, unknowingly..
ok, i just wasnt prepared.. i thot i would be there for ONLY an extraction but then he started drawing my teeth and pasting some small pieces of brackets on them... then in my heart, i thot, "uh oh.... so is it....?" anyway, it was!
my heart was palpitating, tremendously.
at tt time, the radio was playing Simple plan's "untitled" too.. so it just added on to the miserable mood... '.... And I can't stand the pain.. And I can't make it go away.. No I can't stand the pain..... I just wanna scream How could this happen to me...'
indeed, just how i felt.. not completely though..
lol cos it didnt turn out like that bad.. i asked for it, didnt i?

but well, indeed it was a pain. However, pain isnt my life, pain isnt everything...
i experienced so much joy.. i thot, tt teeny pain didnt even occupy a paragraph in my book of life. what joy, not the joy of putting e braces of cos..
but well, the joy of having people in my life.
im glad my world isnt revolving around only me..
indeed, its just such a vast difference.. floating on a plank in the sea alone and being tossed in the huge waves holding a friend's hand.
this week.. in fact these few weeks..
im just so encouraed receiving messages evryday.. being informed of how my dear brothers and sisters are doing..
imgine, in the middle of a boring math lecture.. the phone beeps and boo! a msg frm a fellow christian. gosh, it indeed perks my mundane day. =) u'll see me smiling dumbly to myself, but i dun mind! hahaa.
well, sometimes, in life.. u just get to a point where u just wanna stop and tke a break , breathe a little..
but life yet can be so hectic that it would seem almost unreasonable to do so.
anyway.. ive been craving for tt.
in fact.. my pace has somewhat slowed down..
well, indeed this june would be studying for me and all.. having to prepare for my exams which starts tmr, but continues aft the hols..
but hey, i feel happy being able to vacate frm school for several weeks.. plan some free fun times.. and have fun with my awesome friends. not only that, but also to have more dates with dad above.
i guess dad's waiting.. and i cant wait too.. to spend some really gd time with Him.
the bullet train ride.. it still goes on, and ive yet to unboard it..
but hey, a train ride isnt all just abt riding on it! im gonna have fun on it! =)

one thing i wanna work on abt myself,
is to really be in touch with my feelings.. somehow, when term actually started..
i've yet to truly feel how i feel and express it..
(perhaps more d grps would help.. heeh)
im still learning indeed.. Lord teach me to help people around me.. esp the young teens. help me to be a friend and a sister to them, to help them.
Sometimes, scchool and school work just drowns me..
well, i dont want tt to be my life.. just somehow need to strike a balance between my relationship with papa and school stuff.
im torn dad, i need you completely in my life..
im so unworthy..
but the worthy you, suffered with so much humility and pain. I'll never forget that, never.
so instead, dad, i knw i'll not be perfect, but i'll do my best to glorify you..
so tt that day on the cross wasnt for nothing for me.
but dad, i wanna reunite with u in that paradise. i want you to pat my head and sae "well done". I want satan to cry. I want to be like you, Father.. cos im your image arent i?
Dad, i love you, forever. i do.
=)

Infinite thanks

2006-05-13T22:14:00.000+08:00

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made ME and I am his;
I am his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Psalm 100:1-3

Thank You for giving me air to breathe.
Thank You for making me Fiona Neo Shi Hui.
Thank You for my mom, my sister, my brother, even my dad.
Thank You for shelter over my head.
Thank You for medicine when i am sick.
Thank You for education i can receive.
Thank You for a school i can go to.
Thank You for my comfy bed.
Thank You for wonderful music.
Thank You for the cello.
Thank You for food that satisfies my hunger.
Thank You for chocolates.
Thank You for the trees that grow and flowers that blossom.
Thank You for the wind that soothes.
Thank You for the sun that brightens.
Thank You for the moon that embraces the night.
Thank You for the stars that bring direction.
Thank You for english that can be expressed.
Thank You for people that care.
Thank You for friendships in my life.
Thank You for role models, teachers and my disciplers.
Thank You for times that i can cry.
Thank You for times where there are laughter.
Thank You for times that i struggle.
Thank You for times when everything seems a breeze.
Thank You for angry times.
Thank You for my rebellious times.
Thank You for times i get spanked cos i learn.
Thank You for creating TIME.
Thank You for times that were hard.
Thank You for beautiful moments.
Thank You for memories.
Thank You for your unconditional love despite my selfishness.
Thank You for your forgiveness despite the many times i was unforgiving.
Thank You for listening despite me being so disobedient.
Thank You for always blessing me despite my ungratefulness.
Thank You for your abundant promises.
Thank You for sacrificing for me.
Thank You for saving me.
Thank You for never forsaking me.
Thank You for creating my inmost being, for evry cell in my body that functions, for every organ and fibre i have.
Thank You for my heart that beats.
Thank You for everything.
Even the sky.....

O lord, i cant thank You enough.
Dad, can't i live with you now? That home beyond the clouds?
I can't wait to be there!
Dad, but i'll wait, if you say so.
It's a long journey indeed, to the clouds and beyond.
BUt i am glad, you are watching over me..
With this, never will i be afraid.
Because i know,
"even when i walk through the valley of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me."

Thanks dad. Can't live without you in my life.
The uncertainties that lie ahead..
Guide me papa.. cos i'm as aimless as a sheep.

Once again,
my utmost gratitude.
I Love You.

the treasurable two

2006-05-01T22:07:00.000+08:00

my beloved, my strength

nicholas-venessa

dearest nick, my charming brother.
you are ever so lovely
never will i want to see you suffer.
time flies swiftly,
you are 7 but still so small.
i'll be here, i always will,
even when you're tall,
i'll stand by still.
your woes and feeling,
i hear you whisper,
leaves me brimming
with tears and wonder.
stay strong my boy,
your papa's up there,
carrying you through soil
showering his care.

just a lil boy and he knows, papa's gone.
pure as he is, he nvr resents him.
he nvr fails to say," i love daddy, i miss him".
that leaves me even more heart broken. but that's him i admit, and fiona's gotta be with him. my darling brother, that came as a gift, i'll be there for him.

now to you, sister venessa.
you keep yourself hard,
no one can mess with her.
knowing your thoughts is like digging into mud.
grateful i am though
to have you by my side.
you are a kind lil soul
who helps with all your might.
but just to let you knw,
your dad's above on high.
let your feelings flow,
express it, even if its a sigh.

my sister.. her heart's as hard as stone. how much she feels, she nvr fails to keep. we're a nonsensical lot i can say.. lotsa of bickers and lots of play. but i knw she feels, but strong she stays. i appreciate her in so many ways. my pillar, she is, i need her.

these 2. my closest. my kin. my beloved. my loved ones. my strength. my hope. my joy. my will.
God's gifts.
thanks Father.

just e feelings

2006-04-14T20:36:00.000+08:00

i was slacking around as usual, browsing thru various blogs... feeling unwell, and lazy.
but it just somehow happened that as i was reading the blogs, some of thm made me brim with tears.(shall not mention which) but i just felt so moved.
When i read one, i thot,"yea, so this is life with God".
my heart responded with an "Amen"
When i read another, i thot again,"yea, so this is life with friendship in the kingdom"
my heart responded with an "Amen" once again.

frankly, i am speechless. i dunno what to say!
filled with piling emotions. overflowing.
today is Good friday, it can well be just any other day for anyone.
perhaps slightly special for some cos its holiday.
for me, well, im glad its a holiday too though.
didnt feel much initially.
but thn, today, as i was playing captain's ball with some of the teens in macritchie.
i played with so much warmth in my heart despite it pouring.
i could've cried.
i just thought,"what a rare and treasurable day."
it was like playing with my family. perhaps when i am in heaven i can play with thm all day.
its just such a surge of warmth tt filled me, that now, i find it truly hard to describe.
But i just knw, that in my Father's hse with my Father's people is something so dear to my heart.
tell me, if any of u fathom how i feel.
cos the world is filled with so many complications, tt only in my Father's house, i find real comfort.

thank you papa, for sacrificing, for me.

The Jewel

2006-04-09T20:37:00.000+08:00

i'll never know how much he did,
i seemed to be a gem in a litter bin.
He searched for me, prying deep into the garbage.
A jewel, a precious stone he views me.

I have lost my colour, my splendour.
The dirt around me, i surrender- to blend.
I shined as rubbish, looking dreadful as jewel.
My master, i have now forsaken thee.

A sudden scoop lifted me up.
My master beamed, kissing me and carressing.
He polished me bright, forgetting all my filth,
His love, i am unworthy to keep.

-Fiona Neo =P

alright alright, here's a poem i've composed. it doesnt rhyme, so read it with rhythm. haha.
Life is such a haste.. perhaps only poetry can comfort me.

Papa, thanks for creating chocolates. =D

stress

2006-03-30T19:14:00.000+08:00

im sitting here, with my hands all aching and my eyes half closed.
worn out, i am.
its like a huge wave.. tossing me abt in the vast sea.
I'm struggling to catch my breath, i'm trying to swim.
Can't someone toss me a float? Or perhaps a life boat?
i'm tired.
oh there it is! a lifeboat.
Bring me away, lil lifeboat.
Guide me to where ever i must go...
i'll cling on to u like my life-my source of strength and hope.

oh well, okay, it's like almost evryday that i get off school around 5 plus.
and its just the never ending tutorials and lectures evryday..
but im glad i am in school.
Somehow, when im tired, i just have to remind myself that I am in Meridian becos God answered my prayer and i can nvr be less thankful.
But well, it certainly isnt easy..
the workload and all..
my brain's saturated and is screaming for help.
only God answers.
and i need strength! so much of it!
And God, may your will be done.
it's hard, truly tough...
i am struggling despite it being only the beginning..
but this, being a part and parcel of my life..
i'll move along...

With the Lord, my lifeboat.

oh ya.. here, my college anthem. =) i'm so proud of it.

Chorus:

Born of a vision to be the best,

rising above the rest,

we speak with one clear voice

as this is our choice

‘cause we’re...

Born of a vision to be the best,

rising above the rest,

we speak with one clear voice

as this is our choice

Meridian, yes! we will be

the best.

Verse 1:

Feel the flame of our dream

burn forever;

As our journey here begins,

we’re together.

With each step we take, we know

strength to strength, we’ll grow

as we set ourselves apart.

Verse 2:

Facing challenges ahead,

we will overcome.

With passion, fervour we will strive,

spread our wings and fly.

We will reach the highest star,

through Meridian,

yes our hopes and dreams will shine.

(reprise Chorus)

bless my soul!

2006-03-25T13:01:00.000+08:00

in the papers today...
"Cut off his head! We will call on the people to pull him into pieces so there is nothing left."
This came out of the mouth of an Islam member of Afganistan's Islamic organisation when he learnt that an Afghan man converted from Islam to Christianity.
Apparently, the Afghan man is on trial, with a high possibility of being executed.

Upon reading this, i felt a wrenching pain in my heart.
This man, with a heart and passion to know God and follow God is on the verge of being executed.
With his plain desire of just wanting to follow God, led him to such a tragic outcome.
Did he do any wrong at all?
Does he at all deserve this?
My eyes just brimmed with tears.
Seeing a man who has decided to follow God receive discrimination makes me feel so much unfairness and sympathy. It's just so unjust! Utterly!
at the same time, i feel so fortunate to be here in Singapore, being able to choose whatever religion i want and to worship God in any way i desire!
indeed, im abundantly thankful.
As much as he has to walk the path of the valley of death, i am sure, God has granted him a place in paradise.

praise him, my papa!

well, several days ago, my mom and i had an interview session with a friday weekly reporter.
She asked about my life.
In my heart, i didnt know how to start!
Well, it is a fact that my past wasnt glorious at all.
Starting with my dad, i mentioned how many times he left the house and returned.
How many times he hit me because of his own emotions.
How he finally left.
How my mom coped.
How i was so rebellious.
How times were bad.
How hard it was to pick up from where we fell.
How hard it was to take care of my teeny weeny brother, who was all so innocent and naive.
The memories just came flooding back.
While sharing, i was tempted so many times to cry out.
But, just thinking of God, a surge of warm blood just coursed through my veins.
Hence, i just smiled.
I am happy because i have this big papa who never forsakes me.

I smile because i mean it.
Joy overflowing.

Lord have mercy

2006-03-14T09:41:00.000+08:00

Reflecting upon the pass year, looking back...
life wasn't a bed of roses..
neither was i a good student, daughter, friend etc..
On the whole, i just was not carrying out my duties to the fullest.
Indeed, many examples i can state:
-I didnt hand in all my work in school and had to be kicked out of the class to complete them.
-Of all my A Maths tests i sat for, i'm sure i only passed one. (matrices)
-I was bottom 5 in class for physics.
-I had a major quarrel with my close friend for months.
-I argued with my mother at least once a week.
-I slept in class.
-I gossiped.
-I did horrible for my prelims.
-I skipped remedials.
-I was rude and did not care about people's feelings.
-I struggled tremendously with my studies and walk with God.
Boy, there were even more..
Was i worthy at all to be a child of God?
not at all.

But yet, guess what happened this yr:
-God allowed me to serve as an usher.
-Silvia started re-studying the bible.
-Ivan, my mango, got baptised.
-I did well for my O level exams.
-Silvia, my cherry, got baptised.
-God allowed me to share for communion so that i can really feel grateful.
-my Ah kong got baptised.
-My appeal to Meridian JC was successful.

comparing the baddies i did and the blessings he showered me, the blessings are indeed so much more abundant and encouraging than the baddies.
Hey, and its only march!
Wee keong preached,
Who needs mercy?
yes, it is so true, I NEED MERCY!
And truly, God has shown me so much mercy.
I wasnt the ideal Fiona the past year, i must have broken his heart many times.
yet, his unfailing love for me, showed me mercy.
Not only was his blood shed for me thousands of years ago, his blessings are overflowing.
I do not deserved his love, but he has given me mercy.
With his mercy, comes my gratitude.

Thank You Lord.

elation

2006-03-08T21:29:00.000+08:00

My insides are now celebrating and bursting with glee and content.
i am happeee. really am.
yippeee.
shout to the Lord! i am filled with joy!
oh boy!
He really answers my prayers.
So well, my appeal was successful and i really owe it all to God and people who prayed for me.
I knw he has a plan and now that he allows my appeal to be a success,
i will walk that path cos he paved it out for me.
so its a start of my brand new life when term starts.
And i will be walking with him.
He'll hold my hand and carry me through the years ahead of him.
All i can give him, is my gratitude and my effort, my best.
so, praise the Lord. Its so awesome!
I am thankful and contented although i will be bonded to Chinese Orchestra=( for the rest of my jc life.

The Lord is my Shepherd.

--

2006-03-06T19:53:00.000+08:00

today in my life, i am at a juncture which just eggs me to 'move on' mentally.
The holidays were just a pause in my study life.
Now, its moving on time.

well, it was surprising that i was early to TPJC this morning.
it wasnt even bright yet when i reached the school.
haha.
oh well, it was really peculiar, as in my heart, i was scared, nervous too.
it just seemed like a different type of wind was blowing against my face..
In me, was also a small tinge of dread and uncertainty.
But in my heart, i just told myself,"God, i knw its your plan, and i will walk the path you have paved for me. Whatever it is, i will make full use of what is before me."
i felt calmer then.

when i stepped into the hall, it was chaotic; not at all organised.
I took a long time just to find my orientation group as there werent any indication.
ok, soon after i settled down..
it was really boring as i didnt really have anyone to tlk to.
But well, just unexpectedly i started talking to people and made friends!
THe making friends part was rather sweet though.
But the orientation was firstly, not creative and secondly, it gave me the impression that the school is really slack.
you would understand why when u r there with me.
oh well.
just couldnt explain evrything in here.
whatever it is, i will go for the cca trials on wed in mjc and im hanging on to that small ray of hope.
But yet, still may it be God's will.

He has a plan for me.

results

2006-03-03T23:09:00.000+08:00

today was THE day.
it was around 0800 when sixu called me on my handphone.
i was still half aslp thn when he asked, "hey, so where did u get posted to?"
my eyes then widen and i sat up with a jolt.
i answered in a singapore slang, " WHAT!? where got people wake up so early to check results one?" he thn replied, "go check la quick, out already."

So, i dragged myself down my bed and out of my room, booted the computer and logged into the website.
after keying in my IC no without fail, i saw, right before me, my results, the Verdict.
my eyes were literally fixated at the whole screen for minutes!
i just couldnt believe my eyes as tears welled up.
i was utterly disappointed.
i even re-logged in to check if they were really my results.
TAMPINES JUNIOR COLLEGE!
man, i dunno abt it..
all i can sae is that my heart felt heavy, my stomach curled into a tight ball, and i just couldn't smile.
then, it all seemed like a reflex action when i just bounced out of my chair and called shawn.
In my heart, there was only one thing to do, APPEAL.

i went to MJC with siwei who wanted so dearly to appeal too. We were like desperate souls.
well, throughout i received several encouragements and words of worry for me.
i was and am touched.
Thanks gong.
Thanks peeps.
Upon reaching MJC, i got the appeal form and here it goes. it was a really bad intro the teacher gave me though.

She started : what's your L1R5? Raw score please.
Fiona: ermm, 14.
She replied in a matter-of-fact tone: well, now the score to enter MJC, be it arts or science, is 12. and 12 is the RAW SCORE, NOT AFTER DEDUCTION.(she emphasized those words real clearly)
thn blah blah.. i filled in the form.

and this was how she bid me goodbye.
She said: well, i shall keep this and you will know if your appeal was successful latest by fri(10/3). If you do not get any reply from us by fri, it would mean that your appeal was unsuccessful. at the mean time, you would have to report to ur posted jc on mon.
*my heart sank and shouted a "whaAAAT!?"*
Fiona replied: okay, Thanks you sooooo much.

initially, i thot, what? so u mean i have to aimlessly stay in tpjc for the week? its crazy!
but well, i just had to express my gratitude real clearly for the fact tt she accepted my appeal though. haha. what could i say but to thank her?
so i left.

well, i guess like what xavier said, " God loves me and God has a plan for me. "
so i guess, whatever it is, i shall accept it.
all i need to do now, is to pray to be accepting.
o lord, hear my prayers, clear the mist that hinders my path Lord and help me to see it clear.

He never fails to bless me.

impossible

2006-03-01T18:42:00.000+08:00

Upon receiving Shawn's phonecall, i swallowed my saliva, feeling a constriction in my throat. My heart literally gave a jolt.
On Shawn's previous message, he asked for my IC no. i gave it to him.
My insides were squirming when he said, with an apologetic tone,
"eh fiona, i think you are going to tpjc, not meridian."
i was like what!? how is this possible? How do u knw?
well, and he mention abt some system problem thing and also included that meridian jc just lowered its points for this yr's intake.
i was utterly speechless.
what can i say?
shawn then began, "nvm la.. relax, just appeal la.. dun worry, appeal for mjc, can already."
well, i guess thats what'll i will do.. can't do anything else can i?

i just wonder, is it because of my over-confidence, resulting in my lack of prayers that God gave me this result of going to tpjc instead?
God, if i now pray fervently for 3 days b4 release of results, will u make a change?
well, now im indeed in a point of preparing myself to accept what would come.
and truly, i am now really standing in the need of prayer.
prayer of acceptance and change.
whatever it is, im truly downcast, confused and worried.
oh well.

*p.s: Shawn is my sec sch fren who went to MJC for first three mths.*

God is in control.

anxiety

2006-02-24T23:52:00.000+08:00

O lord, calm my anxious heart...

well, as much as i am filled with anxiety, i feel so inspired as well.
so so inspired. utterly inspired.
God has really been hanging on with me..
Evry step of my life, he has never failed to walk with me.
Boy am i blessed.
Writing my speech, thinking of what i want to share, praying so much for inspiration, God just gave it to me..
somehow, as i reflect, i feel that there is actually so many things in my life i feel so blessed abt.
i'm so happy to be who i am today, becos God brought me up..
Thinking abt God, just makes my eyes brim with tears.
He is like the wind somehow, i cant see him, but i feel him so strongly.
He has always been there.... never leaving me.
lol. wah, thn he can be my husband already, dun needa marry!
oh well, he has a plan for me still.. and i surrender it all to him..

right now, in my life, at this instance.. i just feel that God is within me.. living in my heart..
so close.. so intimate.. always there..
my heart beats becos he allows it to..
i breathe because evry breath is his love..

My God is an awesome God..

working

2006-02-23T15:39:00.000+08:00

oh well... well, its 3:38pm now..
my brain juice is drained...
i just couldn't think of an incident in my life that i burst out after suppressing my bitterness for a long time..
i just couldnt remember!!! and i hve to!
forgetful me.. oh well.. argh, stressssseeeddd la.
just have to keep reminiscing abt my past and pray for inspiration..
O lord! i need the inspiration..
haha..

well, the weather seems to be having mood swings..
one moment it rains, another moment it turns sunny.
to think its e first time i brought an umbrella out and i didnt use it at all!!
when im out, it is sunny.. when im in, it just rains..
oh well, but i guess its a blessing in disguise somehow..

alright, im just thinking thinking thinking right now.. THINK!!!

heeelllllpppp!
oh, i guees, i would hve to sit on my thinking chair. hee hee.
but there are so many chairs.. dunno which one is my thinking chair. haha.

inspire me Lord!

--

2006-02-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

one thing i just learnt not long ago:
A sheep is the stupidest animal among animals.
1. it cant be trained.
2. it has to be fed- if u leave it alone to graze, it will just munch on the same spot of grass
and eat up all the soil too! ewww.
3. it cant clean itself.
4. it cant defend itself

gosh, poor thing! can u believe it? its like a big baby! well, i guess thats why it needs a shepherd.
i think if they see danger, they would just go "baaaaaAaaa". lol so spastic.
but well, i would love to be a sheep.. its ok to be stupid, but at least i will be simple.. then, my dear lord will be my shepherd to lead the way.. how nice!! =)
oh well, but its just me sometimes, not allowing my shepherd to guide me along...
i think i hve been somehow in an imaginary world lately.. i guess somehow, when one's free,
he'll just imagine and imagine.. or perhaps build castles in the air.

so well, thats what i did.
but well, i just imagined abt being in heaven.. thn i thot, well, God loves me..
so i guess evry morning when i open the windows, the birds sing a love song for me. when i open the door, on the mat lies a bouquet of flowers to brighten up my day.. in my backyard, an apple tree with its trunk bearing my name and God's etched in a heart carved so perfectly. how beautiful!
when i sleep God tucks me in with the sweetest lullaby that he sings oh so sweetly in my ears..
he even tells me bedtimes stories if i couldnt sleep. Gosh, i love that!
i anticipate that day to come..

evryday, i just feel that in every air that i breathe, i take in God's love..
Life is Good, Heaven is awesome..
Oh father, how i long to be with you in eternity!!!
hee =D

everyday is a new day!

yipee

2006-02-22T11:04:00.000+08:00

heee, just got a new skin..
dunno why, but was looking for sumthing simple..
so i thot this was beautiful... =)

God is awesome.
Thank you.

metanoia

2006-02-20T00:59:00.000+08:00

"Life is useless, i have nth to live for"
"I'd rather die"
"Whats my purpose in life? suffer i guess"
" Life is stupid"

sound familiar? i guess its common these days.. how people actually think life can be so miserable..
for me, i admit, life can be a real chore itself.
life IS tough.
a peculiar feeling though, gazing at my vicinity from the corridor of my flat, i see greeeney, birds, the humongous blue sky that suspends over me. Not only that, but also the lovely fluffy clouds that float like marshmallows or cotton candy. Hey, thinking abt all these, i don't see life useless!
Its crazy how God gives us challenges in our lives, that sometimes, it really is challenging to think only of its beauty. Well, surely, even the most hideous thing has its own charm..
haha well, but the fact is that the earth and its wonderful nature is so beautiful by its own. Captivating and tranquil.
Its actually more sense that we humans are the ones pollute the beautiful earth God created. BEsides, he created nature first, didnt he?
Well, God created us because he loved us. BUt here i am, polluting it with my sins and discontentment.
Lord, father, thank you so much for the blessings you've showered me.

Now, its so true, whenever i go home, i look at every part of my hse with a different meaning and different perspective after shawn wooten's msg.
It just convinces me tt, in everywhere, there is a purpose, and from every mistake, is a chance to change.

The past week i had was mundane i can say.. lotsa thinking abt which school i wanna put in my choices.. but i knw God made me put what i chose.. so, no regrets.
sometimes, i just feel so much gratitude towards God, that i do not knw how to express it..

Father, thank you so much for ur flawless love for me.
Your love is patient, your love is kind , it doesnt envy, it doesnt boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, not self seeking, not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Your love doesnt delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.
Your love for me, NEVER FAILS.

O lord! i dont deserve it at all! but yet i am receiving it all!!
I knw lord, my life is never miserable because of you..
Besides, i am a foreigner in this land, my home is with you, in HEAVEN!

=)

2006-02-15T00:04:00.000+08:00

valentines just passed, a whle ago....
gosh, just cant stand people carrying roses, standing outside the restaurants and holding hands with their dates.

if only, a dozen of roses and an iced latte.. thats all i ask for.
lol
im dreaming... seeing my date only in a vision...
oh misery.!
ok, i will wait.
i knw God is hinting me to wait cos he will provide a most perfect one soon.

but its crazy today.
sitting on the sofa the whole day, eyes fixated at the moving images in the tv.
cos im so addicted to this korean show now, so in love witht his guy Hyun bin.
jacinda and i were like couch potatoes.
well, doing this made me feel better abt not having a date.
thinking abt hyun bin is gd enough.
lol

but ok, ytd was still over and a brand new day begins.
so, well, its still another day afterall.

haha.

let me dream again.
----"candlelit dinner, cosy ambience, french restaurant, yummy cuisine, 99 roses, a quartet playing,a handsome date, a walk in the park, a nice movie to catch, handful of surprises, a nice sweet gift............." woo hoo. great DREAM.

valentines

2006-02-13T23:39:00.000+08:00

petals of roses are falling from the velvety blue sky.
love is in the air.
and passion is burning, spreading through evry forest.

valentine's it is.
wonder how this name originated.
sounds all so lovey dovey.
and how am i gonna spend it?
lol
in the cutest way ever.

but well, sometimes, i just wish i had a date.
perhaps with Johnny Depp? van nistelrooy? i dun mind rooney.
how abt daniel radcliffe?
any korean actor, would be fine.
but well, the best would be one i love.
my fav bro? lol

but hey, im spending it in the most special way.
with my beloved sisters.
sound so les.
but hey, celebration of friendship u knw!
also, spending it with my Father in heaven...
frankly, this way of celebrating valentines is most fufilling of all!
haha.

i will treat God to iced latte and lotsa chocolates. i will sing his praises and glorify him.
i will love those around me, cos i love him.

oh well, how romantic is that? =)

but still, i knw God will give me a chance to spend a valentine's with one i love.
perhaps now, he just wants to hold on to me.
well, now, i still wanna love him even more first, b4 spending valentines with a human.
haha, romancing God....

but well, i knw tmr.. its going to be special...
perhaps not particularly for me..
but well, its a day of love.
and God is love.
and love, should be shared.
so what if i receive nth, let me give...
i wanna love.

its really amazing this thing called Love.
for life and living
the ought of giving
and a vow made for eternity.
its like oxygen
it lifts us up where we belong.
all u need is love!

f.aith

2006-02-09T18:05:00.000+08:00

Faith is being sure of what i hope for and certain of what i do not see. Period.

im fine.
taking every step with faith is what i will do.
its gonna be great.
im super fine.
im calm.
im happy.
well, thats what i am telling myself.

but as friday is a step closer, i just start having trepidations, cold sweat and seizures, mental seizures. its crazy. i definitely sound like someone who has like Fits attack or something.
but truly, tts how i feel.
but yet again, its true tt God blesses. Its true that his plan is perfect and prosperous for me..

Here i am, standing in the need of prayer, and i truly pray for e best results.. college! college!
well, im swallowing my saliva. taking every step with lotsa caution.
i'm not going to be paranoid, i will not go berserk.
i will keep God in my heart, and walk straight forward.
Take e results, look at it, and move on.-with acceptance.

God loves me, i knw.
Lord, i knw u do.
Lord, all i ask for, is e best i can get, with a tinge of faith and courage.

i know u hear me.